Shmiras Haloshon Shidduch Style--part #1

Back when my oldest child was first starting in the shidduch parsha a woman called me with a shidduch for her. Among the first questions asked was "What size is she? Is she a 6 or an 8?" No, she wasn't, and the shidduch died in the water. The mother of the boy was insisting on an ultra slim girl for him. (And the boy clearly was in agreement.) It does not matter if a woman herself reds shidduchim--when the question is asked about your own child you think like a mother, not a shadchan.

Some time later I was at a chasoneh and in a strange coincidence I was seated at the table with the mother of the boy above. While at the table people were congratulating the woman on the birth of her first grandchild that year. Her daughter in law, also at the wedding, came over to talk to her mother in law. I was flabbergasted. The young wife was about 5'2"--in all directions! The young woman had indeed been a size 6 before her marriage, but she sure was not one now.

I admit to being very human and when the opportunity presented itself I spoke with the mother when no one else was around to hear. I told her that I was sorry to hear that her son and daughter in law were getting divorced. The mother was aghast and hastened to inform me that that was not true. I said "Really? I know for a fact that only a tiny sized girl was going to marry your son. Your daughter in law doesn't fit that mold any more, so of course divorce is inevitable." What I also pointed out to this mother was that she had other sons to get married off. She might want to rethink the whole "size 6" thing. She was about to open her mouth to tell me off when a funny thing happened. She sort of sighed and said: "That was a silly thing to have asked for, wasn't it."

I'm not necessarily proud of what I said to the mother--the mandated "tochacha" was given for the wrong reasons. It did, however, result in something positive.

I'm not yearning for that boy that was red--clearly he and my daughter were not meant for each other. What I would like people to get from this story is that we need to exercise more care in what we say when trying to find a shidduch. We need to hit the "edit" button before we say something. Otherwise we just might end up "eating our words" later on. As I've said before, if you want guarantees, buy appliances--humans don't come with them.