Male and Female He Created Them
Years back I adopted a personal policy when redding shidduchim. If a parent calling me up for a shidduch for a daughter also had a son or sons of marriageable age in the house, the parent was required to "give me" the sons for shidduchim as well as the daughter they were calling about. Most parents agreed, until I said "Fine. Here is a shidduch I have for your son. After he goes out with the girl I am presenting I will fix up your daughter." Then the sputtering began. Most common comment? "He already has a list a mile long!"
Pray tell, where am I supposed to find the males to red someone when parents routinely do not "register" their sons with me? Yes, because of the number disparity boys seem to find it easier to have shidduchim red for them. Okay, let's be honest, if they wear pants people of all types will be throwing shidduchim at them. But parents who keep lists for their sons are not doing their daughters any favors.
Someone once suggested a shidduch for one of my daughters. We said yes. The shadchan called back so happy--she had managed to move us up on the boy's list to "only" number 19. We declined the "honor."
Aside from taking eligible boys out of general circulation, shidduch lists have another, very negative affect. For a male, knowing that there is a long list of females all willing to go out with him turns him into a shopper rather than a shidduch seeker. He does not concentrate solely on the female he is going out with today--what if the one for tomorrow is "better"? Or maybe the one for next Sunday, or next Monday ad infinitum. The male becomes a comparison shopper. He flits from "store" to "store," never actually buying anything. Eventually he will, but not before he has seen all the "merchandise." A few of the males become fed up with the whole process and finally just say "Okay, this one."
It's a pipe dream, but I hope that some day parents of boys will decline to even hear about any shidduch presented to them if another shidduch has already been red. Maybe we could do a mass mailing to all of Klal Yisroel and ask them to sign pledge cards: "One at a time" is the motto we work with. If males were not set up by the system to be "michusim" maybe shidduchim would be easier to red. I'm afraid I am becoming pessimistic; the odds of this happening are about equal to my winning the state lottery without having bought a ticket. But it is still a good idea.
5 comments:
It is a good idea. The truth is, even more "modern" guys also have lists. And face it, if he can go out with a different girl every night of the week, why pick one over another? There will always be more...
Yeah I hate the list thing too and it is a good idea. All you have to do is get the boys to agree. Any chance of that happening?
I have a brother. I don't know if he has a 'list' per se, but he does have pages and pages of names and numbers. 'List' is an awful way to organize human beings, but if you have people petitioning you for dates, you don't want to chuck out the information for 12 because you're focusing on 1, do you?
lon,
See my comment on your activism comment. Why bother keeping the information on the other eleven? Where is the bitachon that this one date will be the right one? The bitachon gets diluted by the sheer numbers of people on the list--what if I am wrong? What if this is really not what I think it is? What if the true bashert is not this one but one of the others? What if I am fooling myself? When you have eleven options the questions become more pressing.
Faced with the sheer abundance at a buffet or smorgasbord, people dive in and keep swimming, long after any hunger has been satisfied. They are afraid they may miss something if they don't try everything. They keep eating because the food is there. They taste and then leave a lot of food on the plate because their appetite has been dulled by food overload. They don't really stop and savor anything they are eating because there is more to come.
Ordering one main at a restaurant allows you to appreciate what you are eating, to decide that you will or won't want to eat that dish again. It allows you the leisure to taste all the flavors. Most people don't go through life with a list of their next 12 dinners firmly written down. Sometimes you have to go out and shop around for the ingredients you want. Sometimes the stores are out of a particular ingredient and you find yourself having to substitute. And yes, sometimes you find yourself having to make do with what you have.
Even before my first son was into shidduchim people told me I had to start keeping a book or lists and what did I know so I listened. So I checked back about a girl on the list and she was busy and then I checked back on another girl and she was engaged. I threw out the list, just asked people if they knew if a girl for my son, and he got married anyway. The list thing sure didn't help me any. For my next son I didn't bother.
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