Putting Women in their Place

I was going to leap right into a discussion of college and frum women but a little thought showed me that some background was necessary first.

There seems to be a mistaken idea that the women of Klal Yisroel should avoid "feminism" and the "feminist revolution," so to speak. "Militant feminism" is not in concert with the principles and ideals of Yiddishkeit. I beg to differ. For one thing, the women of Klal have long been in the forefront of this "revolution." For another, our women are also in need of some of the benefits that have accrued from the greater societal "revolution."

How have we been in the forefront? Our "mothers" have hardly been shrinking violets when they have seen things that required "a woman's touch." It was Sarah Imanu who looked at the Hagar/Yishmael situation, decided on a course of action and then gave Avraham Avinu the advice he needed to hear. (And Hashem told Avraham to listen to Sarah.) Jewish writings and history are replete with the actions of Jewish women who "went against the status quo" and effected change.


Long before the greater outside society recognized women as anything more than their husbands' property, the Talmud shows that Jewish women could own property in their own right. If a woman owned a vineyard, the money coming from that vineyard was hers to keep. Her husband could, however, deduct the money she was making from the upkeep he was required to give her. Sounds awfully modern and forward thinking to me.

Let us keep in mind also that large numbers of Jewish and non-Jewish women have always worked at jobs other than mothering and being a wife. They worked side by side with their husbands in family businesses. They worked as field hands. They tilled vineyards. The worked as seamstresses and launderesses. The provided "day care" for other women. They were teachers. They managed estates large and small. They worked in shops. During the large immigration waves to this country, women staffed the sweatshops and factories that provided the goods the country needed and wanted. And read Tanach--we also had judges who were women. And yup, occasionally they ruled countries. Let us finally lay to rest the myth that Jewish women working outside their homes is some new, modern onslaught.

Now let's move on to more modern eras. There is a mistaken assumption that feminism is something that popped up only in the latter half of the last century. Not so. Today's feminism is deeply rooted in feminist ideas that have been around for centuries. What was needed, however, was for the the civilized countries to actually find "civilization" and recognize that "humankind" was made up of more than white, affluent males. With a general move towards human rights came women's rights.

Do you know where we get the English idiom " a rule of thumb" from? It came from the idea that a man, under law, could beat his wife with a stick as long as it was not thicker then the circumference of his thumb. And people wonder why women wanted to be "liberated."

So what did all this liberation do for the frum woman? It put her into a terrible quandry. Traditionally the Jewish woman has been "ruler" of her home. The continuation of the family was her responsibility. That Klal Yisroel has flourished is equally the doing of women as men. And yet, that same Jewish woman, especially today, has a need to go out and get a job outside of her home, a need that Jewish society has pushed onto her and at the same time excoriated her for.


There are a few women who work outside the home for the intellectual stimulation and because the money is nice for "extras." The majority work because they have to. They are the sole support of families where the husband is sitting and learning. Their husbands do not earn enough money to pay for the necessities of life. It requires two salaries to meet the expenses of a frum family today. They work because when nursery school tuition is $10,000 plus and they have five children they have no choice. They work because high school tuitions and years of study in Israel do not grow on trees. They work because they have 1,2,3,4,5 children whom they are supporting. They work because they are supporting families as well as helping out elderly parents. They work so that if they ever get to retire they won't starve to death. In short, they work out of need.

On Friday night the men sing "ayshis chayil" and then Sunday through Thursday they complain that their wives "are never home." Children having problems in school? It's because women are working. (Hello, are there any fathers out there?) Divorce become a problem? It's because women are working. Shalom Bais issues? Because women are working. It has become a convenient scapegoat to blame any ills that are even remotely connected to home and marriage on working women. Imagine, the woman who is the sole or fifty percent provider of the income supporting a family actually wants some say in how the money is spent. What a "shandah."

Go to a parent conference night at any girl's yeshiva. Men are so rare as to stand out immediately. Go to a boy's yeshiva ketana. The women are still the vast majority. Go to a boy's high school. Yup, the women are still there. So much for Jewish women abandoning motherhood and its responsibilities. And they come to these conferences after a full day of working outside their homes. And they go home after the conferences to put in another "full day" working in the house.

Now I will grant you that there are some men who will help out around the house much more then their own fathers did. But the attitude is still that they are helping their wife out with "her" work, rather than thinking that a more equitable division of household responsibilities needs to be made to fit with the reality we are living with. Taking care of sick kids and well ones, shopping, cleaning, cooking, preparing for yom tov and for simchas is still a woman's "job." If a husband's or wife's parents need help, who do you suppose is the care giver? Don't expect applause for figuring out how to squeeze 31 hours into a 24-hour day.

What does all this have to do with going to college? It is one of those benefits of the "feminist revolution" that large segments of Klal are ignoring and which could help immensely. Fodder for another posting.