A Little Activism Anyone?

The more I think about it, the more I believe that the "One at a Time" campaign for better shidduchim redding just might have a chance of working. "All" that would need to be done would be to contact every known shadchan or shadchanus group and get them to agree to the pledge. They would need to inform the members of their groups and get their cooperation. Articles would need to be written and submitted to the various Jewish media to be publicized. And then boys yeshivot would need to be notified that shadchanim are no longer going to work with boys with lists. And shule rabbis would also need to be notified. And yes, we would ask these various yeshivot and shules to also take the pledge.

Perhaps the first part of the pledge would be as follows: "As a shadchan I pledge that the first question I will ask of any parent who is asking me about a shidduch for their son or for any single male who is asking about a shidduch will be: Are you free right now to accept a shidduch? If I red you a female right now who is "shayich" are you available to go out? If the answer is "yes" I will take your information and will work on finding you a shidduch. If the answer is "no" I will not take your information nor will I work on finding you a shidduch. Please call me back when you are free to take a shidduch I offer you. I only red shidduchim "One at a Time."

And perhaps to yeshivot and shules the first part of the pledge might be like this: "We agree that keeping lists for males who are in the shidduch parsha is harmful. The women of Klal Yisroel are demeaned when they are treated like "s'choira," and list keeping reduces the women of Klal to merchandise. Males cannot concentrate on the shidduch they are presently considering when they know there are many more on the list. We pledge that we will tell our talmidim and our congregants that list keeping is not in concert with the way Jewish males should be behaving. Therefore, we openly state our disapproval of lists for Jewish males. We advocate shidduch making that is "One at a Time."

And yes, there would be a pledge for parents of females. "We pledge that we will not agree to have our daughter's names put on any lists for males. Our first question to any shadchan who calls about a shidduch will be "Is the male available right now to go out?" Unless a male is available to go out when a shidduch is red, we are not interested. Our daughters are equally as precious to us as our sons are, and we will not demean our daughters by placing them on lists. We believe in shidduchim "One at a Time.""

And there would be a pledge for parents of males: "We pledge that we will not keep any lists of shidduchim for our sons. Our sons will only know about one girl at any given time. If the shidduch that he is presently involved in does not come to fruition, we will then consider another female, only one. We believe in redding shidduchim "One at a Time.""

And how about a pledge for females? "We do not and will not agree to be placed on any lists kept by shadchanim or by parents of males. Our first question will be "Is the male available right now to go out?" If he is not, please do not bother to give us information nor mention us as a possible "later" shidduch. We will only take shidduchim that are red "One at a Time.""

And then of course all the girl's high schools and seminaries would need to be informed that shidduch making was going in a different direction. And we would need them to pledge that they support this new, logical approach to shidduch making called "One at a Time."

Hmm, we'd need to get some donations to cover any printing and mailing costs. We'd need to do a little legwork to get all the addresses and email addresses. We'd have to do follow up mailings. We'd need to nudge the media. And we would then afterwards need to bombard the yeshivot and shules with mailings. And yes, the grapevine that works so well with other things would need to be actively used--you tell two friends, they tell two friends etc.

A word of caution from an old activist. Be prepared that not everyone will be in favor of this new way of redding shidduchim. Some people may look at those who are as if they are strange or even "harmful" creatures. Those "protecting" their lists may say some hurtful things. It's all par for the course. Just keep in mind that things worth having are worth fighting for.

Making shidduchim in Klal is in an awful state. Here's an idea that just might make a difference. Sure, it still needs to be worked on--that is where your input comes in. But hey, are things getting better without our doing anything?