A lot of people here and on other blogs have commented that they don't like dealing with shadchanim and would rather that their friends or family fixed them up. Their reasoning is that these people know them better and therefore are better able to red a shidduch for them.
Ever have it happen that your friend calls and reds a shidduch that is so off the wall that you wonder what the friend has been drinking? Ever go out with someone and find out that almost everything your friend told you is not quite true? Ever have your aunt or cousin or some other relative gush about a person you absolutely must go out with and you take their word for it and accept the date and spend the date thinking of all the ways you can commit murder without getting caught? Having someone who knows you well red a shidduch for you is no guarantee that the date will be as presented or that it will work out.
I know for sure that my Uncle Shloime loved me and wanted only good for me, but some of the boys he fixed me up with were so strange as to defy description. On two occasions my mother hid the car keys so that my father could not drive to Brooklyn and kill his brother over the boys he sent to me. We were convinced that he was standing on street corners with a lantern raised saying "I have a girl, do you know a pair of pants?" Back in the dark ages we didn't check as much as is done today and I continued to go out with the boys he sent--I guess I figured that the law of averages said that he had to get it right at least some of the time. The irony is that my husband's family lived directly across the street from my uncle and they knew each other. It just somehow never occured to my uncle to red my husband to me. A stranger who actually had never met me nor spoken to me would be the shadchan who red the shidduch.
I made a shidduch for two people who actually lived on the same block a few houses apart. I didn't happen to know that as I did not have their addresses. They also davened in different shules. When I called the boy's mother there was this huge pause when I mentioned the girl's name. She then said to red the shidduch. The same thing happened when I spoke to the girl's mother. Yes, the two went out and yes they got married. Why didn't all the good friends and neighbors and family on the block red the shidduch? They figured if there had been any interest that since they knew each other they just sort of would have arranged it with someone on the block.
In both of these examples we need to look at the word "bashert." It was not bashert for my uncle to be the shaliach for my shidduch, just as it was not bashert for any of the neighbors or friends to be the shaliach in the second shidduch.
Now let's look at a different case. When I was young and single I had been set up with a boy who I turned out to absolutely not want to go out with ever again. Unfortunately the boy wouldn't take no for an answer. He haunted my mother trying to get her to change my mind, which I didn't. At the same time there was a girl who hung around my closest group of friends and drove us all bonkers. We couldn't seem to rid ourselves of her. One day, in a fit of pique, I decided that this boy and this girl deserved each other. I was hoping that if I set them up they would have such a miserable time that they would never speak to me again. Because they both knew me they accepted the date. Yes, despite my bad intentions--for which I did plenty of teshuvah--these two got married. It was obviouswly bashert that I should be the shaliach.
Yes, friends and families sometimes get things right--and they also sometimes get things wrong. Yes, strangers sometimes get things wrong--and they also sometimes get things right. Limiting yourself to only a handful of people who know you may well be injurious in trying to find your zivug. Saying "a stranger cannot possibly know me" ignores the fact that that stranger may well be the one who has been chosen to be your shaliach.
Yes, there needs to be care and caution when you are looking for a shidduch. But we also must recognize that just as we don't know who our zivug is until we find them, we don't know who the shaliach will be either. These two major elements of any shidduch are hidden in knowledge from us. Recognize and give in to these facts and you may find yourself having an easier time in finding your zivug.
7 comments:
My aunts don't know me from a hole in the wall.
But I'd rather they set me up with their idea of who I want than me having to go present myself to a set of random strangers.
Well said, ProfK. Some of the worst ideas have been from friends who both me and the girl. When I first started dating, I would get annoyed when a stranger would try setting me up, but years of experience have showed me that odds are, a stranger's suggestion is going to be much, much better than from your good friends.
I thought just like bad4shidduchim. Iwasn't going to go to some stranger shadchan because I knew they would never know me enough to get me the kind of shidduch I wanted.
I was on a plane from New York to Miami. You could still get kosher meals back then and both this lady and I had ordered kosher. Because of this we spoke for a few minutes, you know the thing, where are you from, where do you live.
A few weeks later this stranger from the plane called my parents with a shidduch for me. It was kind of a slow time for me with shidduchim and my mother after only a few questions accepted the offer for a date. I was not happy that my mother had done this but I gave in.
No I did not marry this boy. I married his first cousin who he red for me. There was no way that any of my friends could ever have known of my husband or have been able to red the shidduch. I am thankful to this random stranger for the happiness I have now. She isn't a stranger any more.
I will accept any shidduchim redt regardless of who it comes from. That's why we look into boys..to see if it makes sense. The story about the girl and boy that lives on the same block, well same happened to someone I know. I wonder if it was you that was the shadchan!
I know people whose shidduch was made by a friend and I know people whose shidduch was made by a stranger. It seems to work both ways. For me I guess it is that I don't like the word shadchan. My friend is not a shadchan, he is my friend. I get all nervous when I even hear the word shachan. I get the picture of someone who is going to try and make me do something they want me to do instead of something I want to do. It's a feeling like being sent to the principals office.
I think I feel like nowaynever does. I don't like the way I feel when someone says the word shadchan. I think a lot of people feel that a shadchan is like a dentist, someone they know will help them but it is going to be painful. Lots of people avoid the dentist. They avoid shadchanim also. You want to see a room suddenly empty of single people? Tell them that there is a shadchan around.
Sorry but who the shadchan is does matter. It's only natural to trust someone you know more then someone you don't know. You know that they are protecting your interests if the red you a shidduch. How do you know what the stranger has in their mind? How do you know what their motives are? Another shidduch they can brag about having made? Getting mitzveh points? To my friends I'm not a chesed project. I'm a real person. To Shadchanim who don't know you you are just another project to fill their time.
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