Right now I am trying to take the advice I have often given to others. Do not write/speak out of anger. Do not write/speak until you are able to rationally frame an argument--extreme emotion clouds judgment. I have been telling myself this since early this morning. After thanking my commenters for their restraint I owe the readers of this blog no less. That does not mean that I am going to roll over and play dead either.
A relaxing Shabbos morning, that's all I was looking forward to. I had purchased a copy of The Jewish Press and decided to leave it for this morning. I was turning the pages when I reached an article that had me seeing red, orange, and all the other explosive colors of the rainbow.
Not even my worst enemy could ever level the charge against me that I am anti-marriage; just the opposite would be true--I am very pro-marriage. Logically, you cannot be pro-marriage and be anti-men: one is not possible without the inclusion of the other. This does not mean that I do not see where men--and women--act in ways that confuse me or upset me.
In The Sedra of the Week, by Rabbi David B. Hollander, he discusses this week "Chayei Sarah: Is Old Age An Unconditional Blessing." In the last half of the column Rabbi Hollander writes the following:
"Our sages teach us (Tanchuma, Chayei Sarah)that there are four causes for sudden old age: fear, rebellious children, a bad wife, and wars....
Then there is the bad wife--the Jewish woman who is too busy holding on to a money-earning job to be able to carry out her role as a Jewish mother.
While there are cases where the wife must earn money to help her husband, others work in order to live in luxury. They transfer the noble task of rearing their children to hired help, mostly non-Jews. Our history has known maids who have taken Jewish children placed in their care to church.
All this for luxury. But where is it written that it is a mitzvah to live in luxury? The opposite in fact is the case. The Torah predicts, "You will build fine homes, you will amass gold and silver, and you will forget your G-d...."
...And women must conform to the high noble role spelled out in Eshes Chayil. Then we will achieve a calm--not hurried--aging process."
Where does one even begin. Perhaps by calling a spade a spade and labeling this column, or the part quoted above, as so much drivel. Drivel written without the least indication of any knowledge of the conditions extant in Klal Yisroel today. Drivel written with a clear bias against women. Drivel written without even any real knowledge of the support source used to excoriate women--the Eyshes Chayil.
"The Jewish woman who is too busy holding on to a money-earning job to be able to carry out her role as a Jewish mother." Just who does the Rabbi think is carrying out this role? The fathers? Working Jewish mothers have more than one job, and they do all these jobs, to the detriment of no one but themselves. They are the ones who get children off to school, having prepared breakfast. They oversee homework and after school activities. They do the shopping and the preparing of meals. They do the laundry. They attend the parent conferences. And yes, when it is time for shidduchim, it is the women, with few exceptions, who are busy in trying to find shidduchim for their children. They are the caregivers when someone gets sick. When elderly parents need help, it is the wives and mothers of Klal who are called upon. They pay bills, they worry about finances, they contribute to the family income, when they are not acting as the sole provider of that income. And yes, sometimes they need help. Sometimes they must make childcare arrangements for their children so that the children are being watched when the mother cannot be there. Note that the fathers aren't there either, but it is the mother who is blamed for all of this.
"While there are cases where the wife must earn money to help her husband." Cases? Whole segments of young married couples are being supported by the wives with NO income coming in on the part of the husband. She isn't helping her husband--she has taken his responsibilities over in total. And even when a husband works, has Rabbi Hollander added up just what it costs to be frum today? Women work because the cost of being frum is not possible to cover with only one salary.
"Our history has known maids...." Yes, and it is just that: history. Had the Rabbi had any recent examples surely he would have given them. Why raise as a possibility something that is ancient history? Why? A scare tactic. A "pathos" approach to argument--use emotion and you don't have to present "logos"--facts.
"All this for luxury." I am no friend of conspicuous consumption, which my readers know from reading various postings on this blog. But the argument being built here is that women work to provide themselves with luxuries. So the men don't live in these luxurious homes? The men don't partake of the luxuries? The women take vacations by themselves? The men never ever purchase anything that could be considered a luxury? And summer camp for children, that's a woman's luxury also? And years in Israel? Or how about the "luxury" of paying yeshiva tuitions? And the "luxury" of kosher products? And okay Rabbi Hollander, no woman will ever again buy a shaitle--only tichels and snoods will be worn, and the same one day after day after day. Are you going to like that I wonder?
"the noble role spelled out in Eshes Chayil." I've posted before about men who chant Eyshes Chayil on Friday night and then complain about their wives the rest of the week. Let's actually look at the words of the Eyshes Chayil.
"She repays his good, but never his harm, all the days of her life." No matter how lousy he may be to her, she still continues to be a good wife and do her job.
"And gives food to her household and a ration to her maidens." Not only does she feed her family, she feeds her servants, plural. Servants? Live in household help? You mean people who help her out in all of her responsibilities, like cleaning and cooking and childcare? Wonder if all the domestic help in the time the Eyshes Chayil was written were Jewish? I doubt it. I don't have sleep in help, and there it is in the Eyshes Chayil that apparently a "woman of valor," an "accomplished" woman is supposed to have this help. Thanks for the heads up Rabbi Hollander.
"She envisions a field and buys it, from the fruit of her handiwork she plants a vineyard. With strength she girds her loins, and invigorates her arms. She discerns that her enterprise is good--so her lamp is not snuffed out by night." Do correct me if I am wrong, but is this not a portrait of a working woman? A business woman? And yup, she is working all day and into the night. Sounds awfully modern to me. And let's note further that there is no "he" in this posuk--it's all about "she."
"Distinctive in the councils is her husband when he sits with the elders of the land." The "luxuries" she provides extend to her husband. According to the Art Scroll Siddur, this posuk means that "The beautiful garments she tailors for him make her husband stand out when he takes part in the councils of distinguished men." Few women sew the clothes their families wear today, so substitute "she shops and buys" for "she tailors" and this still applies today. he "looks good" because she works to make sure he does.
"She seeks out wool and linen, and her hands work willingly. She is like a merchant's ships, from afar she brings her sustenance." "She makes a cloak to sell, and delivers a belt to the peddler." Buying and selling--sure sounds like a business enterprise to me. Which part of these p'sukim describe a woman who has no contact with the outside world, who does no work outside of her home? Which part of these p'sukim say she is doing something wrong, or not fulfilling her obligations?
"Give her the fruits of her hand and let her be praised in the gates by her very own deeds."
Give credit where credit is due. All the things that she does will speak for her--she does not need to sing her own praises since what she does will be obvious to everyone in public, and will bring her "praise." Now that I am still waiting to see/hear--men singing the praises of working women.
Fortunately I have a husband with a far better understanding then the one Rabbi Hollander displayed in print. I showed the article to him when he came home from shule. His comment was "He's nuts. Does he have any idea of what women do today? Of how much things cost?" My kids were equally aghast.
And yet, out there in print is this article. And who knows how many impressionable young men are going to read it and assume it to be true? And how many men, desperately looking for some reason to "put their wives in their places" are going to latch onto this article as a lifeline? And how many men, who should be doing some serious self-examination, are going to use this article to avoid doing that examination? How many young women are going to read this and wonder if all their hard work is worth anything? Why, today, would any rabbi try and plant the seeds of disharmony in marriage? And how could any man, rabbi or not, be so blind as to the contributions and sacrifices of the working women of Klal Yisroel.
6 comments:
I skipped the article so I went back to the Press to read it. You quoted it correctly. R' Hollender sure spends a lot of time in an article on the parsha being mad at working women. So now I get to spend a lot of time being mad at R' Hollender. It's like he is stuck in a time warp. Has he actually talked to any working women? Oh sorry, rabbis don't talk to women.
So here I am at almost 2:00 and I'm reading a blog. Must be part of that luxurious life the article talks about. I'm waiting for the last load of shirts to dry so that my boys, who I am not being a good mother for, will have clean shirts for yeshiva tomorrow. Because my husband likes an early minyan I'm also going to have to drive the boys to yeshiva to make their minyan. I can't seem to locate the maid who is supposed to do this. Maybe she is working for the rabbi who wrote the article. But they change the clocks tonite so I get an extra hour of sleep. Now there is a luxury!
And this article surprised you just how? One of the first questions I get asked by a shadchan is are you a career person or will you stay home and raise your children. So then I have to ask Is he employed? Is he willing to work two jobs? How much is his after tax take home pay? And most of the shadchanim can't see how my questions are an answer to their question. My parents have come up with a different answer. They say she will do what she has to do.
I don't suppose we could just be chav zchus here and assume that the rabbi didn't mean to say what you think he said? People are human and don't always write things in a way that gives the meaning they wanted to give. Maybe someone should just ask this rabbi if what he wrote fairly represents what he meant to write?
The idea of "l'chav zchus" is a fine one but it does not apply here. Those who submit their words to be published in a newspaper, as Rabbi Hollander did, and who do so regularly, as Rabbi Hollander does, are supposed to be governed by certain ethical rules. Among those rules is checking and double checking their work to make sure that what they say is clear and represents what they are trying to say so that others will perfectly understand them.
As far as I am concerned, the problem is not that Rabbi Hollander jumbled his words nor that he may have meant something other than what he said. His words are perfectly clear, certainly his definition of a bad wife. Rabbis who put their words into print need to think about the import and influence of their words. They need to consider BEFORE they commit in writing just what the results will be of their writing.
My husband has a regular night shiur and someone asked the Rav who gives the shiur to define what a bad wife is. I guess they must have read the article too. My husband says the Rav kind of laughed and answered "A bad wife is someone elses wife because yours is a good wife who fits you just perfectly. Don't go looking for trouble"
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