For those who may have missed it, I both voluntarily red shidduchim for others and also have children of my own who are in the "shidduch parsha." I get to see things from both sides. Add in that my children are "older" singles and I surely can sympathize with those who complain about the state of shidduchim today. Perhaps the following will illustrate why I get so frustrated, as a shadchan and as a parent.
Someone began to red a shidduch for one of my girls about two and half months ago. The shadchan, the wife of a colleague, asked if I would be interested in a shidduch. I told her what my daughter was looking for. I figured that when she had all the information on the boy, and when she had red the shidduch, she would get back to me. Being a shadchan has taught me patience as a parent.
The shadchan called back this week to sort of red the shidduch--the boy wanted some additional information. Before she continued I asked how old the guy was. I don't think that asking someone's age is an evil question. What she said is reported verbatim here: "He wouldn't give me his age. He said that is very personal information." The shadchan then told me that, based on the other information that he would give her, she would guess as to his age, and she gave me the range she was guessing in. This placed the boy closer to my husband's age then to my daughter's age. We turned down the shidduch. It was not the specific age, although that certainly played a part, but it was the attitude inherent in the "personal information" answer. Just how much more personal then redding a shidduch for someone can two strangers get?
I didn't rave and rant about the ineptitude of the shadchan. It was not her "fault" that the shidduch was turned down. "You can't get blood from a turnip." She was kind enough to report back what she had been able to find out. It certainly was not her fault that the information was not enough and wasn't what we wanted to hear. I thanked her for her efforts on our behalf, and I meant it. When I hung up the phone I thought to myself "Gam zu l'tovah." One more eliminated on the road to the right one.
I won't bore you with putting down the "lesson to be learned" from this story. I'm sure you can get it all on your own.
7 comments:
This story illustrates part of the disconnect/frusration.
That shadchan should never have picked up the phone to begin with.
G,
Yes and no. Had she never called me back I quite possibly would have been annoyed that she asked to red a shidduch for us and then never followed through. Should she have taken it upon herself to "refuse" the shidduch on our behalf? With us this would have worked out fine. Some parents/singles prefer that the shadchan not make that decision for them. She was redding for us for the first time and would have no way of knowing just how we would react. Maybe she was inexperienced in shidduch redding. And maybe the answer floored her just enough that she hoped we would "make sense" of what to do. My point? At least she didn't leave us hanging.
Ithink I may have gone out with this boy or his twin brother. The shadchan told us that the boy was 28. On the date I said something like "So you're 28" and he answered I'm about 28. So I asked him what that meant and he answered that that means he is not 28 but about 28. I never went out with him again. I figured that if a guy doesn't know exactly how old he is or if he things it is a big secret then he is not for me.
Don't know if my mother will remember this, but the age fun to end all age fun was when I was 22. I got red a shidduch and the shadchan said she'd been told that he was 26. We were suspicious for several reasons after someone recognized the name on our end and it turned out to be a case of everyone subtracting a few years (including the man in question) as the guy's info got passed along to the shadchan. He was actually 36. How did we find out the truth? After determining he was more likely in his 30s, my mom called his Yeshiva and told them I was 34 and didn't want to go out with someone younger than me. They told us no problem and gave us his correct age. To say I was annoyed at all the age lying going on would be an understatement. But I didn't blame the shadchan for that; she was actually very upset when we called to tell her she'd been had.
Thank you Offspring--I do indeed remember. I have my own way now of getting around the problem of age, height, etc. When a single asks me if they should send me a picture I answer: "Please just send me a copy of your driver's licence"--two birds with one stone. I get to see a picture of the single and I get age verification. Strange how many people, mostly guys, I never hear from again when I ask this. But yes, if I am accountable to the people I fix up, then I want to know if what I am telling them is true or not.
What next? Anyone who goes back with this person will know how old he is; that automatically disqualifies it as "personal."
;-P on the drivers license... do you really? And do they?
Bas-Melech,
Yes, I really do ask for a copy of the drivers licence, although not for every person. Those I know or those in the neighborhood where I can easily find out the truth about age I don't bother with. It's a little difficult for someone I diapered to fudge on their age. Those who are complete strangers who have gotten my name off of a list somewhere I do ask. If they complain that the picture on the licence doesn't do them justice--something I can sympathize with--I tell them that it doesn't matter because I never, ever show a picture to another single; the pictures are just for me to be able to put a face with a name and keep them straight in my mind. Some people never send in the licence information, a few do. Those that don't? Gam zu l'tovah. Those that do apparently have nothing to hide.
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