First Dates are not the end of the World--They only seem that way

I was reading on a different blog about someone's first date ever. Things apparently did not go particularly well and the young lady was very despondent. She commented that if this was what dating was she didn't want any part of it. I can sympathize with this young lady but still have to point out the obvious: every date is its own little world, it's own happening. And every one who has ever gone out has a "first date" story, even if that date was with person number 15.

I grew up out of town and in a different era. I started dating before my 16th birthday. In our community this was considered good practice. Boys and girls got to learn how to talk to each other and to see the varieties of personalities and outlooks that were out there. When we would be ready for marriage we would have enough experience to know if someone was really for us or not. That did not mean that there was no care taken in who you dated.

My first date was with our rabbi's son. The families knew each other and we sort of knew each other and this was the "ideal" first date according to everyone. I only wish. The boy arrived at my house, where his car promptly broke down. As we were supposed to be going to a program sponsored by a local Jewish organization time was of the essence. No problem. My uncle drove us to the program location. Not an auspicious start. Towards the end of the program my parents arrived--we would have no way home otherwise. My dad thought that a date should include refreshments of some sort so he drove us to a local ice cream parlor. There we were seated at two separate tables, separated by about one foot. We might as well have been sitting at one table, as we were conversing together anyway. And yes, when the check came my dad picked it up for all of us. My dad dropped my mom and I off at home and then took my date home. The next morning his dad was in my house having coffee with us as he arranged to have the car towed. And yes, there was my date's dad asking "So, did you have fun last night?" And yes, I distinctly remember telling my mother that if this was dating there had to be a better way.

By the time I was ready to think about marriage and to want to be married I had had enough experience to know that strange first dates are nothing out of the ordinary. I would have a few other "first date" stories besides the very first one. It's all part of the process. You need to roll with the punches when it comes to first dates. My mother cannot forget a phone call she got from me at a restaurant in Manhattan. I called to ask my dad to drive to the city to come pick me up, but could he meet me at the emergency room at NYU Hospital. I was driving my date, in his car, to the emergency room. He had gotten food poisoning on the date. My dad and I waited there until his parents could be located and could come to the hospital. Nope, we never went out again, the boy's choice. He was a bit off put at dating a girl again that he had thrown up all over.

Or the first date that was a first in many areas. The boy I was set up with, in his twenties, had just gotten his drivers licence. His first solo trip was going to be taking me from Far Rockaway to Manhattan on a Saturday night in December. Somewhere in lower Manhattan I had turned green literally. Something to do with the dozen or so near-death experiences he had given us. I asked him to pull over, took the keys and drove us the rest of the way to the restaurant, a restaurant where I really couldn't eat anything as I was still extremely nauseated. I then drove us back to Far Rockaway. There I gave him back the keys and told him to say Tefilas HaDerech. And yes, I said no to another date. Committing suicide is against halacha.

I think that all of us invest too much in the first date. We assume that some kind of lightening bolt has to strike us, that bells have to ring. A first date should be glorious, or at least uneventful. If the first date somehow goes wrong or turns out to be rather strange we assume that that is the death knell for further dating of that person. And a strange first date can sour us on the whole dating process.

A couple that I set up were both going out for the first time. She was nervous, so was he. He took her out for dinner. When parking the car he leaped out to make sure to open her car door--clearly his mother had had some input. But while he was getting the door open for her he was also just a touch nervous. He left the keys in the ignition with the motor running. He had closed his door while going to get hers open. He closed her door and then discovered that all the doors were now locked, and yes the car was going. Being a bit flustered, he called me, the shadchan. Not being so flustered I told him to call his father to bring an extra set of keys for the car. For 45 minutes until his dad arrived, he and his date leaned up against the car and conversed. They did eventually get to eat a meal together but the bloom was off the evening. And after the date the girl said no to another one. Her reason: she wanted someone more responsible. I could have argued the point but didn't bother. She was too inexperienced to know that even with the best of intentions, sometimes things go wrong on a date.

But let me end on a positive note. My nephew took a girl out on a first date to Manhattan. Not being awfully familiar with the parking regulations in the city, he found an empty spot and parked the car, without checking all the parking signs. When he and his date came out of the restaurant his car was gone. He had to call his father to come and get him and take he and his date to the impound lot to retrieve the car. And yes, the girl had a sense of humor, and yes, she looked at the boy not the events, and yes, they are B"H married for quite some time. Hey, if it weren't for strange first date stories what would you have to tell your children about how mommy met daddy?