I Never Promised You a Rose Garden--Frustration in Dating

A recent comment mentioned the frustration of going out with people whom you are not going to marry. Let me attempt a logical dissection of the issue of frustration and dating.

First, let me start with the conclusion: frustration is an integral part of dating and shidduchim making. There is no method yet devised to remove the frustration from the process.There are some few ways to lessen the frustration, but make it go away completely? No way. In dating, frustration goes hand in hand with impatience. The degree to which you handle frustration and impatience well is an indicator of how well you will do in the shidduch process.

There are many ways that people learn things. One way is to observe others who are doing what you don't yet know how to do. You watch, you take note and then you try it yourself. You may or may not be successful on your first attempt, but if you want to "do" this thing you keep practicing. Of course, if the problem is that you are not "doing the thing correctly" from your first attempt, then any future attempts won't come out right either. You will need to adjust as you go along. And you still might not be getting the results you want because you are missing something vital, something you haven't seen in the people you observe, or something you don't know to recognize or to recognize as important. The result is frustration.

Another way to learn is to gain knowledge about the thing you want to do through reading about it, or being taught about it. Of course, a book or an article is just one person's view of how something should be done, or what the important component parts should be. There may be parts that are left out of the works you have consulted or that your "teacher" didn't tell you. So you sally forth secure in your knowledge, and your attempts don't bring success. The result is frustration.

Let's say that you have observed a lot and you have studied a lot--is that all that is necessary? Another way to become proficient in something, and indeed a necessary part of that proficiency, is practice. And yes, practice is frustrating. You seem to be doing the same thing over and over and over again and you are still not where you want to be. Do you stop practicing? Not if doing that "thing" is important to you. Sometimes you have to recognize that you have been "practicing" the "movements" incorrectly and need to adjust. But you get impatient to "stop practicing" and actually be "doing," and that feeds the frustration.

Then there is trial and error. You're not sure just which approach to something you want is the right one. You don't have enough experience to judge if what you are hearing is good advice or bad advice. Through diving in and trying out different things you eventually refine your own system, you come to recognize what works for you and what doesn't, and you develop a plan that fits you. And yes, there is lots of frustration along the way.

Now there is the issue of time. At this point in your life you know all about how to tell time. Unlike children, who have difficulty with the idea of "later" or "next week," adults all know that there is a yesterday, today and tomorrow. We may yearn for tomorrow--how the TGIF idea got started--but we know intellectually that we have to get through the 24 hours of today before we can discuss tomorrow. This can, however, lead to frustration, as we are really looking forward to "tomorrow" and wish that today was finally coming to an end. Wishing for something does NOT change the reality, however.

We also, at least intellectually, understand the idea of a time that is not specifically known yet. You take a job hoping that you will be promoted, that you will get a raise, but you have no knowledge of the exact time that that will happen. It remains in the future somewhere. Nonetheless, even though we know this, we get frustrated when it doesn't happen "soon."

Let's deal in facts. No one knows exactly, precisely who they are looking for when they go searching for their bashert. No one gives us a picture and says "find this person." Nor does anyone know, to the month, day, hour and minute, when they will find their bashert. Like children who get frustrated when you tell them "later," those who are dating seem to forget that nowhere did Hashem promise us that finding our zivug was going to be a short, sweet process. The amount of time it may take for one person to find his/her zivug is no benchmark for when others may find their zivugim. You see others attaining what you want and yes, you are frustrated.

Just a note: yes, it is also frustrating when you have told and told your friends that you want a football and they buy you a jump rope. Dating people sometimes wonder if anyone truly has any idea of what they are looking for in a spouse, or if they listen when you tell them. Perhaps we should remember here that "others never see us as we see ourselves." Maybe they are responding to something you don't see, or maybe they are just clueless but kindhearted nonetheless. Yup, this too is part of the dating process. And frustrating.

The job of the dating person is not to give in to frustration and impatience but to recognize that dating is a learning process that will result in a marriage when you have learned enough, experienced enough, practiced enough to actually recognize your zivug and recognize when the time is right. Dating is the time period where you hone your skills through practice--and no, practice is not always "fun." Dating is where you take what you have observed, what you have been taught, what you have read and heard and you try putting it into practice. And as with anything else, you will need to adjust along the way. Some things you would swear you absolutely must have without a doubt turn out to be otherwise. Along the way you may discover new things that you had no idea about when you began your journey. Some parts of the dating process may be harder for you to do then others.

Instead of focusing on the "pain" you are in now, instead of worrying about minimizing the frustration, look at dating as a type of obligatory roller coaster ride. Some of the parts of the ride are slow, some are fast, some are fun, and some turn your stomach inside out. But you don't have a roller coaster ride without all the elements. And no,sorry to say, you don't have dating without frustration. It seems to be a rite of passage before you can actually get married.