Any number of people are surprised that shadchanim have any perspective on the shidduch making process. "Why should they?" they reason. They know what their job is supposed to be. Maybe if they did their job right people would stop talking about a "shidduch crisis." What is the job of the shadchan and what are the requirements for doing that job?
Point #1: The basic job of anyone who is playing the role of a shadchan is to introduce one male and one female in the hopes that a shidduch will result. Simple, right?
Point #2: At some point in the shidduch process the shadchan may find herself having to be a psychologist/psychiatrist, a medical practitioner, a pharmacist, a sociologist, a geneologist, a marriage councilor, a teacher, a treasure hunter, a bounty hunter, a crisis mediator, a negotiator, a parent, an advisor, a friend and the lowest ranking employee on the totem pole. That's on a good day. A shadchan must have "perfect" listening skills and be linguistically skilled, so as to interpret, with no degree of uncertainty allowed, words such as "frum," "mentch," "put together" etc. A shadchan must be experienced in playing guessing games. They must be skilled mind readers. They must be knowledgeable about the thousands of nuances that differentiate the clans in Klal. In addition, a shadchan must be an excellent navigator, able to find their way out of murky seas they are sometimes plunged into. They should certainly know how to "swim among the sharks." Some people also believe that a shadchan cannot call themselves a shadchan unless they are willing to be so both day and night. Shadchanim are supposed to be able to exist without food or sleep. Above all, a "true" shadchan has no other life other than shidduch making.
Point #3: Shadchanim are expected to be, like Caesar's wife, "above reproach." Their personal midos must be of the highest level, and they are expected to be highly discreet. Under no circumstances are they to let their energy or enthusiasm flag. "Being chipper" is a basic requirement. Their personalities must be "all things to all people." For sure shadchanim are required to be "insult-proof," letting all negative comments pass without comment.
Point #4: Shadchanim are expected to be highly organized and business-like. They are expected to be experts in the nuances of wholesale/retail sales and marketing. They are expected to keep their stock fresh and plentiful, and under no circumstances are they allowed to run out of any product that a customer wants. They should also be able to "custom design" merchandise for any customer who wants it. Shadchanim are not allowed to have any preferences of their own--"The customer is always right."
Point #5: Like the Internet, a shadchan is expected to be up and running perfectly 24/7. Interruptions in service are frowned upon. There are no "error" messages allowed. Maintenance must be done during off-peak service hours. Being able to cross time zones across the world in "real time" is surely expected.
Point #6: Apparently shadchanim are expected to be able to "leap tall buildings in a single bound."
Point #7: Unlike other people In Klal, everyone knows that shadchanim practice "kishuv." They are expected to use this "witchcraft," this "magic" on your behalf, never against you. They are, of course, expected to create people where none have existed before. For problems with this last requirement please reference The Golem Mi Prague. Shadchanim are expected to be miracle workers. For problems with this requirement please reference Tanach.
Point #8: in addition to the two singles the shadchan hopes to introduce to each other, there are the other family members who will need to be dealt with. This is where you just might find that a shadchan needs to have military training, so as to keep the warring parties from erupting into full-fledged hostilities. A shadchan will sometimes find that they are asked to participate in "black ops" or clandestine operations. Of course, if they are caught, their "country" will disavow any knowledge of them and their activities. When things go wrong in the shidduch process, shadchanim are frequently "hung out to dry." They are everone's favorite "kaporah."
Those are just the first page of the basic requirements for doing the job. Individuals looking for shidduchim frequently add on to this basic list. So I look into a mirror, and what stares back at me is not a perfect image inculcating 100% of all the requirements listed above. And then I look out at the people around me, at the faces in the larger crowd, and I don't find these "perfect" people anywhere.
And yet, I continue to involve myself in shidduch redding. Strange, I never used to think I was masochistic.
More to come.
8 comments:
Not so.
A shadchan need be truthful, responsible and accountable, that is all.
G,
That's a big "all." And for many people who are looking for a shidduch, the points in the posting are part of being truthful, responsible and accountable. There's an awful lot of leeway in defining these terms.
No offense ment but putting truthful and shadchan together is laughable. It doesn't matter if the shadchan is your mother or your friend or some stranger. They all manipulate the truth "for your own good." I subtract half of what I'm told by people who red me a shidduch becaue I know that there is a lie in there some where.
That's a big "all."
--Depends on the people involved :)
And for many people who are looking for a shidduch, the points in the posting are part of being truthful, responsible and accountable.
--I feel bad if you need to deal w/ those expectations. If this is common for you then I have a better understanding of/need for the previous posts.
G,
Thanks for the understanding. Thankfully every shidduch does not contain all the "requirements," but there are indeed enough who do. Nor is it just me--shadchanim talk to each other and "war stories" are a part of that talking.
nowaynever,
I am not going to tell you that no shadchan has ever lied or manipulated the truth, regardless of who they are. But I'm going to ask you this: Are you willing to swear that there have never been any singles, families of singles,or references of singles who have lied or manipulated the truth? You've never "fudged" things a bit, or don't know of anyone who has? Truth manipulation is not the sole province of the shadchan.
I recognize a lot of my shadchan in this post. She spent hours talking to me and to my husband and to both of us together. I can see now that we expected that she would give us all the time we needed without us thinking about her time. Our families were not a shidduch made in heaven and if it wasn't for our shadchan I don't know if we would have ever made it to the chupah. All my husband and I have are thanks to our shadchan for being all the things we needed her to be.
I agree with G. I don't expect a shadchan to be superhuman. I *do* expect them to be available when they say they're available, to treat me like a dignified human being, and not lie to me about... anything. Including "I'll keep you in mind." If you don't want to deal with me, say so from the get-go. Neither of us should waste our time.
If you've read my post about shadchanim - all I'm asking is to be treated like any human being deserves to be treated. And unfortunately, I haven't been overwhelmed by that.
However, I will assume that there are many excellent shadchanim out there. We just don't hear about them because nobody complains when things are great.
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