On Being a Shadchan--Part #2

Why does someone decide to present a shidduch to someone else? What reasons could persuade someone to "put themselves out" for someone else? What motives do people have for getting involved with shidduchim?

Point #1: Marriage is a requirement for frum Jews; we are a "marriage-minded" people. Parents have been told from day one that part of their job responsibilities as parents is to see to it that their children get married. So parents look for shidduchim for their children because they are "supposed" to be doing just that. In addition, they love their children, they worry about their children, and they want their children to get married. In the spirit of "you have to be a parent to understand" parents consider marriage a "safe haven" for their children.

Some parents get involved with shidduch redding for other people's children because they believe that if they keep someone else's child in mind for a shidduch then other people will keep their child in mind for a shidduch. I guess we could call this a "what goes around, comes around" mindset.

Just a note: Parents sometimes play only a quasi-shadchan role. Perhaps we should call them the "advance team." It is fairly rare today for the mother of of a girl to call up the mother of a boy directly and say "let's get them together." One side or the other is going to find someone else who will present the shidduch. There may only be one shadchan handling both sides of the shidduch but someone other than the parents will be playing "monkey in the middle."

Point #2: Siblings have a strong bond with you. They care about you in ways that others may not. They also want you to be happy and content. For frum Jews, that happiness and contentment is tied up with marriage. So, they try to find you a shidduch possibility because they care about you in a deep way. Strangely enough, shidduchim made by brothers or sisters for one of their siblings is among the least common of shidduch redding, particularly a boy redding a shidduch for his sister. I asked a young man I know who is in Yeshiva and with a large chevra of friends, friends of the type I know his sister is looking for, why he was not actively redding his sister shidduchim. He told me that in his crowd it just "isn't done." "What if it doesn't work out? You think one of my friends is going to tell me that he thinks my sister isn't pretty enough or fine enough for him? You think I would say that about one of my friend's sisters? Just once I thought that one of the boys would be able to survive being red one of my sisters, but I still had someone else make the suggestion so that no one would know it came from me. And you know what? I like my friends okay but I'm not really sure that I would want all of them in the relationship of being my brother in law."

Point #3: Extended family members, to varying degrees, feel that family ties bring with them responsibilities. Family members, even extended family members, are supposed to be concerned with the welfare of other family members. Making sure that the unmarried members of the family find a shidduch is part of taking care of the welfare of the family. There is also a concern that what happens to one member of the extended family can affect all the other members. When a child remains unmarried that doesn't "speak well" for the family as a whole. When an "unsuitable" shidduch is made, this impinges on the family as a whole. There can also be an attitude that only certain kinds of shidduchim "belong" in the family. Thus, family members may be redding shidduchim because they sincerely want someone to be happy, or because they want the family to be happy, something else entirely.

Point #4: Friends are closely tied to you, in some cases even closer then family members. They feel "protective" of their friends and would like to make things easier for them. They know their friends want to get married and they consider it an "honor" to help a friend by redding a shidduch for them. We would like to think that our friends know us better then almost anyone else in the world. Oh that this were true. Given the comments I have seen elsewhere along the lines of "How could she/he do this to me?! They are supposed to be my friend!" friends don't always know what will fit us either. And yes, sometimes their motives are not "as pure as driven snow."

Point #5: Ever grow zucchini in your garden? To look at it while it is growing you would never think that a few small plants are going to produce the gazillion pounds of zucchini you are faced with at the end of the growing season. So, do gardeners throw out all the zucchini that is left when they have used what they need? Nope, they share the bountiful harvest. A lot of people make shidduchim for much the same reason--they want to share the harvest. Perhaps they have already married off all their children but still know of some wonderful people who were red for their kids and that still need a shidduch. Perhaps they know of some wonderful red peppers that they can't feed their family but which some other family would welcome gratefully.

Point #6: Some people actually believe and act on the belief that "Kol Yisroel Arayvim Zeh loh Zeh." They consider shidduch redding to fall under this category--we all need to watch out for and care about each other's children.

Point #7: Some people consider redding a shidduch to be a mitzvah. Since we are supposed to do as many mitzvot as we can, they become active in trying to find shidduchim for others. Some of these people are truly sincere in their desire to help others. And yes, there are those who are not as interested in helping others as they are in "helping" themselves--they are a type of "mitzvah point junkie." Redding a shidduch is all about them, not about you.

Point #8: Some people have heard that if you make two shidduchim while on earth you are guaranteed Gan Eden after death. I think you can see the point here without further elucidation.

Point #9: Some people believe that they are better at organizing things then other people, that they are better at getting things done. They see the "mess" that shidduch making is and they begin redding shidduchim because they just know that they will be more successful at it then those presently involved.

Point #10: Some people get into shidduch redding because it is the "in" thing to do. They will maintain their interest in shidduchim just so long as it is a popular activity.

Point #11: Some people get into shidduchim for some pretty doubtful reasons--I have already admitted elsewhere that a date that I set up when young, single and truly stupid, and which resulted in an actual shidduch, was made out of pique. I am not the only person who has ever red a shidduch for the "wrong" reasons.

Point #11: Some people have ended up being a shadchan for someone purely by accident, had no real intention to red a shidduch and somehow did anyway, and were successful. They are still shaking their heads about this.

I'm sure there must be other reasons why people become a "shadchan," become involved in redding shidduchim, find themselves setting someone up on a date. These should be enough on my part to set you thinking.

More to come.