Theory versus Practice

I have a friend who is a voracious reader. She is also very bright. She decided to "teach herself" all about computers so she began by reading manuals, lots of manuals. She could quote them chapter and verse. And if asked a question about computers she could rattle off the books' answers with no problem. What was the problem? She has finally figured out how to turn on her computer but anything after that is strictly "Help!" She knows all the theory but has no idea of how to practically apply it.

My cousin's son is a "power user" of computers. He can use his computer quite skillfully, but ask him to tell you how to use yours and he is stumped. He has all the practical experience but knows none of the "rules" that govern that experience. If he has never experienced a particular problem in his use of the computer he can't even begin to figure it out.

Obviously the best person to consult would be someone who knows what all the theory is, what all the rules are, and who also has a lot of experience in putting those theories and rules into action. Sometimes what the "rules" say is not what is going to work in the "real" world.

For many parts of frum Klal Yisroel there are an awful lot of "theories" and "rules" that have been promulgated about dating, about making shidduchim and about what should constitute marriage. Most people in the parsha can quote these word for word. The problem is that when you go to apply some of these rules you find yourself with problems--they don't work the way they are supposed to. Dating and marriage are definitely not a "one size fits all" item. What works for me may not work for you. What works for you may only partially work for someone else.

For those who have been dating for a while, you already know what I am talking about. Somehow you say exactly what you are supposed to say, you do all the "studying" needed, and then things don't work out. It takes experience to be able to adjust the rules to fit yourself.

For those who are married, you also know what I am talking about. You spent a long time observing other people's marriages, older and younger couples. You came to some decisions about how your marriage was going to be based on what you observed. And then you got married yourself and discovered that the practice was a whole lot different then your theories were. What worked for others who you observed didn't always work the same way for you. You liked what you saw husband X doing and determined that you wanted your husband to do the same thing. Only you didn't marry husband X, nor are you wife Y. Marriage is a unique work, constructed by two people in a unique relationship.

Yes, observation and study are one necessary part of preparing for marriage: practice is the other necessary part. It is the adjustment of one to the other that makes for good marriages. Those who are single and who say "I know exactly how my marriage is going to be/has to be" are in for some surprises. Talk to me twenty or thirty years down the road and then tell me how theory and practice mingled in your marriage. I'll bet 'tis a different tale you tell then the one you thought you would be recounting.