The Grass is Always Greener--Part #1

I'm in an interesting but strange position. I get to hear young unmarried men talk and get to hear young unmarried women talk. I get to hear young married women talk and I get to hear young married men talk. I also get to hear older married men and women talk.

Overheard while listening: some singles believe that married people are living a better life, that they have it "easier," that struggle is not part of married living. Singles, some of them, spend their entire "older single years" in pursuit of being married--they seem to have no life outside of this pursuit, or if they do, they don't seem to value it particularly much. It's just something to do until they get married. They go through bouts of depression and self doubt all caused by their single state. They rant and vent about their single friends who don't seem to have enough "rachmonos" on them. Their married friends aren't doing enough to help them to also be married. Their married friends seem to forget about them once married. Their married friends have it good. Only singles have "real" problems--they are single--what could possibly be worse than that?

Some believe that change is a bad thing; their married friends didn't have to change--they got married while they were still "themselves." Change is a sign of defeat; I couldn't get married the "right" way so I'll have to change to something I am not supposed to be so that I can get married the "wrong" way. Only marriages made at a very young age have true validity as marriages.

And if they are somewhere in their mid to late 20s, the self doubt magnifies. What is wrong with me that I am not married already. I'm going to have to settle and why should I have to do that? My friends who got married younger didn't have to settle. Some develop cynical attitudes that creep into all areas of their lives. Some become manically cheerful, because surely that has to help.

To be fair, there are some who simply live their lives and assume/hope that marriage will come soon, but they're not going into animated suspension until that happens. Those people see marriage as one part of their lives, not the only part worth having. Marriage, for these people, is an "addition" to what already is; they aren't starting from "zero." It is not that they don't value marriage--they do. They simply put marriage into perspective. They have high levels of bitochon--something will happen when it is the right time to happen and they accept that.

In my family we don't wish someone "Im Yertzah Hashem ba dir." We say instead "May you find the richtige shidduch in die richtige tzeit"--may you find your correct shidduch at the correct time for you to find it. Time is as much an element as the "who" your zivug will be.

Getting married is not a competition, or it certainly shouldn't be. Those who get married first should not be looked at as "winners" and those who get married later as "losers." There are no blue ribbons awarded for being first to cross the finish line. Nor can I understand or have sympathy for the "if you don't get married right away all the good people will be taken" type of attitude. Says who? Someone with a vested interest in making you feel as if you are not running fast enough? Someone who has bet on the race? Someone with zero understanding of what marriage is supposed to be? Someone with a "na-na I got one and you didn't" type of attitude?

Sure, there are table wines that can be used when fairly new. They are perfectly acceptable if all you are are thirsty. Every vintner knows that the best wines are aged to perfection--it takes time for a wine to go through the process of becoming a "fine" wine. And there are different grapes appropriate for different types of wines--all grapes are not the same. There's a reason why Chateau Lafitte Rothschild wines go for hundreds of dollars a bottle and Gallo jugs sold in the grocery store cost only a few bucks.

It's not who gets married first that is important--it is how the marriages "last" that is.