Modesty aside for a moment, I am accounted as an excellent cook and baker. People enjoy coming to our house for a meal. And there starts my problem. Sometimes these guests ask for recipes so they can make dishes they have eaten in my house at their house.
There are two schools of cooking. In the first school everything is measured out exactly using standardized calibrated measuring spoons and cups. Ingredients are exactly specified. The steps are clearly marked. The sizes of any pans needed are given in exact sizes and shapes. Temperature is given using degrees of heat. Cooking time from start to finish is also given. Of course, there are still some problems in this school. Large eggs are clearly marked on the container. Just how large is a large eggplant? As compared to what?
The second school of cooking is a bit different. Cooks in this school are perfectly capable of cooking like those in the first school but.... Their system of measurement consists of "pinches," "drops," "handfuls," "knips" "a touch," "a sprinkling," " a smidgen," "a dusting," "a little" and others like these. They tell you to take a "soup spoon's worth" or a "shnap gleisele's" worth of something. Larger amounts call for a "vein glesele" or a "vaser glesele." Liquid just might call for a "washing tepple's" worth. Sometimes a recipe calls for a large bunch of something. Sometimes these recipes say to add flavorings "to taste." Want to know how long to cook something? Perhaps until the bubbles go from small to large. Or till it is no longer shiny. Or my favorite: "Koch biz sis farteg"--cook until it's finished. Pan sizes and types are variable and depend on what you own and what is clean. Temperatures can depend on how long before you have to serve something to how hot it already is in the house.
I learned to cook in the second school, although I am perfectly capable of following the first school. Except that I'll add a little bit of this or that to the recipe, and maybe change the pan size, and maybe change the temperature and maybe change the cooking time. It is for this reason that I find it hard to give out my recipes. My kids who cook with me in my kitchen can pretty much figure out what to do with a recipe. They've seen the cooking up close and personal. Even so, the same dish does not turn out exactly the same for each of us.
There are those who want to apply the standards of the first school of cooking to marriage. They reason that if they have the exact ingredients and prepare them exactly as stated that the results will suit them perfectly. It's not that they like every marriage they have seen. But when they see a marriage that one of their friend's has that they really like, they are sure they both want to and can duplicate that marriage when they get married. They follow the recipe to the letter--or try to--when they get married and can't understand why their marriage and their friend's marriage don't "taste" the same.
Marriage is like the second school of cooking. The amounts of the ingredients are not exact for any one cook. "To taste" has a different meaning for every person. You change the pan shape, the cooking time, the amount of spice. You mix things up to suit yourself. You and your husband "taste the dish" and decide if you like it this way or if it needs some more "adjusting" to suit both of you.
Marriage works just like this: my friend took a recipe from me for a winter soup she ate in my house and liked. The basic ingredients are split peas, barley, carrots, celery, parsley, onion, garlic, salt and turkey drumsticks. Her family doesn't like turkey so she substituted chicken wings. They aren't happy with split peas so she substituted navy beans. They like little noodles better than barley. They really like turnips. They aren't happy with garlic, and they really like pepper. But in her house the soup that results is called by my name. As far as my friend is concerned, she is making "my soup." The only thing they really have in common is that they are both soup.
And sometimes, no matter how much you like a dish that you have eaten in someone else's house, you can't duplicate it in your house. You see, who is cooking is also part of a recipe. What works for one cook just may not work for another. My friend has been trying to duplicate a forspeis I serve for years. She has finally resigned herself to eating it in my house, because no matter what she does, it doesn't come out the same for her as it does for me.
A recipe for marriage? I always laugh when I see people trying to present one. It's not about having a recipe. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.
Trying to force marriage into one of the first school's standard recipes results in something that may be edible, but it's not memorable. It's the methodology of the second school that results in "family favorites."
