Rebbi Tales: The Best Boy in Lakewood

Over the years I have had occasion to speak to hundreds of yeshiva rebbeim and shul ravs about bochrim that they are references for. Only once, yes only once did I get a report that basically said the boy was very average all the way around. No one ever gave me a negative report.

Ever wonder where that phrase "the best boy in Lakewood" came from? I'd be willing to bet that it arose with a rebbi. I'll acquit the rebbi of having sinister intentions; in fact, his intentions were probably very good. He wanted the boy to be given a chance with a shidduch.

All jokes aside, every boy is not the "best boy in Lakewood." What parents want to know for the most part is what kind of a person the boy is. Are his midos good? In what way? Is he "mature"? Does he get along with the other boys? Why or why not? On what is the rebbi basing his appraisal? On how the boy learns? This is not a good predictor of how he will be on a date or as a husband.

Shule rabbeim are not more truthful either. No one wants to screw up a shidduch and so no one tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Certainly shul rabbeim are very mindful that they are "hired" by their shul members. If they "own" the shul, they need to keep their customers. Thus, they too talk about "the best boy in Lakewood."

Fathers rarely call shadchanim about their children; it is mostly the mothers or the singles themselves who call. I have, however, gotten an occasional call from a father. One father, a widower, who called me seemed very excited. As he put it, he had something extraordinary for me: his son was "the best boy in Lakewood." I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, I was consumed with laughter. When I calmed down I apologized to the father. He was actually very nice about it and very puzzled. "What did I say that was so funny?" he asked me. So I told him. And then he was even more puzzled. "But my son is the best boy in Lakewood! How am I supposed to say that if I can't say that?" I worked with the father on a better way to "sell" his son as a shidduch prospect.

From my perspective as a sometime-shadchan I think we need to remove rebbis and shule ravs from the list of references. Either that or someone needs to teach them what parents really want to know when they call to ask about a boy. "The best boy in Lakewood" just doesn't cut it as an answer.

Just a thought: polygamy may actually be going on and we weren't aware of it. If girl "A" married the best boy in Lakewood and girl "B" married the best boy in Lakewood and girl "C" married the best boy in Lakewood, then logic would dictate that they all married the same boy. Wonder if the rabbanim have figured this out yet.