The State of Shidduch Making and Klal Yisroel

Shidduchim seems to be on everyone's minds today. While everyone agrees that there is a problem no one has actually attempted to lay out all the elements of the problem. What follows and will follow in other postings is my attempt at dissecting the problem. First step: lay out what is known.

First fact: Klal Yisroel has grown large, and the frum element of Klal has grown at a faster rate then any of the other parts. Once, everyone in Williamsburg knew each other or knew of each other. Ditto for Borough Park. If someone was not your immediate friend then they were the friend of your friend. Your parents or your grandparents also still had their European connections, someone from "in der heim." Because of the decimation of the Jewish population in Europe, those who found themselves here in the US maintained a closer tie with those that came from their towns in Europe--they were, in many instances, the "missing family." There was an "intimacy" in the Jewish communities in the US that is missing in most cases today, but certainly in the largest area--New York.

As part of this fact we must also include that frum Jews in ever larger numbers are found all over the world, including in places that Europeans never, ever dreamed Jews would go. There are communities of frum Jews in all six of the occupied continents. And these Jews are spread out, no longer concentrated in major centers only, or in one major center. As Jews spread geographically, their ties to each other become more tenuous: "they" have their concerns, "we" have ours.

Second fact: Making a shidduch today has become far more worrisome then it was 30 and 40 years ago. It is not that parents then did not care if their children got married: they did. They worried far less, however, then parents do today. Back then everyone assumed that their child would get married, that it might take a bit of time to find the right person. But everyone believed that a marriage would take place. By and large they were right. As a percentage of the population, unmarried older people were miniscule. Note: there have always been those of Klal who did not get married, a small percentage but there nonetheless. There was a more relaxed attitude towards the marriage process. Whatever qualms a parent might have, it was kept private. Today we have a kind of group "agmas nefesh."

Third fact: No one talked about a shidduch crisis back then. There wasn't one. Today everyone talks about the shidduch crisis. Last week's Jewish Press had an article by Rebbetzin Jungreis stating that there was a shidduch crisis. There was also a "man in the street" interview of various people asking "Is there a shidduch crisis today?" Everyone said yes. What do people do in crisis situations? They enter panic mode. The result is also that parents begin thinking about shidduchim for their children at earlier and earlier ages. The mode seems to be "What can I do now, while my child is six years old, to avoid the shidduch crisis later on?" When there is a crisis, common sense seems to fly out the door. That is the situation today.

Fourth fact: Over the years the rules and regulations for meeting someone, for redding a shidduch, for dating and for marriage have piled up. These are in direct proportion to the degree of "crisis" that one feels there is in making shidduchim. The more people worry about shidduchim, the more rules are promulgated. This is an attempt to "legislate" the crisis out of existence. Far from alleviating or eliminating the crisis, the extra rules have only served to exacerbate it. In other words, the rules are themselves a causative agent of the crisis, they are part of the problem.

Fifth fact: Klal Yisroel is not one unified whole, nor has it ever been, despite our assumptions that it was or is. The Europe of pre-WWII, which is held up as a "mirror of perfection" had a lot of schisms in it. Keep in mind that Reform Judaism as we know it today began in Europe, not here. Certainly we had the chasidim/misnagdim division back in Europe. It still exists today. There was competition among the larger yeshivot for talmidim--sound familiar? Followers and adherents of one yeshiva, one rebbi, one tzadik kept themselves aloof from those who did not "believe" as they did. Ethnicity also played a role. German Jews preferred to marry other German Jews; Hungarians preferred to marry Hungarians; Lithuanians preferred to marry Lithuanians etc. Sefardim did not intermarry with Ashkenazim. We divided ourselves without any outside interference. Yes, there were instances of "intermarriage" but they were relatively few. "Like" married "like." HOWEVER...

Sixth fact: Villages, towns and cities, regardless of the number of yeshivot within their borders, regardless of the number of "Rebbis" they contained, regardless of the number of shules present, regardless of the number of "Illuim" present, had a central community committee and a central community Rav, a "Rosh Ha'Khal." Decisions that would affect all people living in a particular geographic location were made by this committee and this Rav. All the various segments of Klal living in that geographic location were willing to cede some of their authority for the greater good of Klal Yisroel as a whole. I'm not saying that politics did not raise its ugly head, but the groups understood that "united we stand, divided we fall." The non-Jewish authority figures from the government knew who to talk to if there was a "Jewish" question.

Today, the larger the Jewish community, the less the likelihood that the groups within the community will cede any authority to anyone else. Yes, there are rabbinic alliances, large organizations that say they "speak for Klal." Unfortunately, there are so many of these alliances; they are in competition with each other, they work together only rarely, if ever, and each of them is distinctly territorial. And no, no one is really "speaking for Klal."

In Israel an attempt has been made to address this problem--there is a Chief Ashkenazic Rabbi and a Chief Sefardic Rabbi. This works sometimes, and sometimes it does not. England also has a Chief Rabbi, and again, it works sometimes and sometimes does not. The United States has no such designation, nor do I envision that we will ever have such a position. Imagine to yourself all the various groups that form frum Klal Yisroel and then try to imagine their all agreeing to one person as their official leader or spokesperson.

In short, there is no one "frum" Klal Yisroel--there are many. Unity on any topic is difficult if not impossible to achieve. The response, therefore, by "frum Klal" to the shidduch crisis has not been unified, has not been timely, and has not been affective either. Even as I write this and you read this what must come to mind is "Who do I petition/speak with about getting this crisis under control?" And the answer will be "There is no one, at least no one person or group with the authority to do anything."

Recognizing that there is a problem is the first step. Defining the exact parameters of the problem, the exact "ingredients," is the next. Doing something about the problem should follow. As I see it, we are blindly bogged down in the second step, and with no hope for the third step ever arriving unless we are willing to radically change the way frum Klal works.

Conclusion: The only positive thing I see is that we have at least admitted that there is a problem with shidduch making. We now need to be a lot more honest and a lot more open as to what the elements of the problem are. You cannot solve what you cannot define. As to the third step, well, let's get the second step "finished" first and then maybe, just maybe we will live to see "miracles in our time."