More disagreements come about because the parties involved are not defining things in the same way then for any other reason. This posting is going to try and define what a shadchan is and isn't.
Point #1: Unless Klal Yisroel makes a 180 degree turn around in its methodology and and says that all shidduch making will take place by having multiple functions at which singles of both sexes have an opportunity to meet each other, speak with each other and make the decision to go out WITHOUT THE PRESENCE OF A THIRD PARTY then the shadchan role is vital to making marriages. You have to meet people somehow, and being introduced by someone else is today's preferred method.
Point #2: ANYONE who introduces you to someone else for the purpose of a possible shidduch is a shadchan. This person can be your parent, your sibling, your best friend, an acquaintance, a neighbor, a member of your shule, a former teacher or principal, your dentist, your aunt's best friend's daughter's mother-in-law, the person who sits next to your father at a wedding dinner, a stranger on an airplane, a member of an established shidduch group or just about any living, breathing human being. Thus,by definition, a shadchan can be known or unknown to you.
Point #3: There are some people for whom redding shidduchim is a profession, in that they take money for their services. These types of shadchanim are relatively few and their services are used by relatively few people. For purposes of my discussion I am not going to be referring to these people when I use the word "shadchan."
Point #4: The term "shadchan" is not looked at favorably by many people who nonetheless have to have one to make a shidduch. They divide those who suggest possible shidduchim into "friends" and "strangers" categories, applying "shadchan" only to the "stranger" category. See Point #2 for why this is an error. There is an assumption that your friends are "better hearted" then a stranger will be, that your friends will take more care in redding a shidduch, that your friends will have better motives then a stranger will. This is not always the case, of course. You stand to lose more by yelling at a friend who has sent you out on a date that qualified for disastrous then by unleashing your ire on a stranger who has done the same; therefore, disgust with shadchanim is saved up for the "strangers" even if some of that disgust has originated from matches made by friends. "Shadchan" is a 4-letter curse word for many people, or at best, a "necessary evil." Gee, doesn't that make me feel all warm and cuddly.
Point #5: There seems to be a shidduch crisis today. Everyone says so, and I won't argue the point here. There are many components to the shidduch process, including the males, the females, the families of both parties, the customs and "requirements" of the community of residence, the guidelines issued by various rabbanim and yeshivot and the shadchanim. ALL elements of the shidduch process contribute to the shidduch crisis. Yet, it has been customary to dump on shadchanim, almost to the exclusion of all the other elements. Yes, there are some complaints about the other people involved or the artificial rules and regulations, but shadchanim top the list. And again, by shadchanim I mean those designated as "strangers," even though all people who red a shidduch are shadchanim.
Point #6: A shadchan is NOT someone who makes a shidduch. A shadchan is a facilitator. A shadchan is a messenger. Only the Ribboneh Shel Olam makes shidduchim. Your zivug is pre-ordained. A shadchan helps you to meet people so that you can eventually find your zivug. There are no guarantees that any given shadchan has your zivug or can produce him/her. Just as you do not know who your zivug is until you find him/her you have no idea who the selected shaliach will be either. To be angry at a shadchan because their suggestion for you turns out not to be your zivug is to evince a lack of knowledge of how the process works.
So, who is a shadchan? Any one but yourself. The chances for your finding your zivug all by yourself with not one other person being involved are, today, next to nil. It is more then time to figure out just why people have this blatant antipathy to the idea of a shadchan. When a word has the power to raise such strong negative emotions in people we need to look at the underlying causes.
More to come.
10 comments:
There you go again with "klal yisroel". You can't say "klal yisroel prefers shadchanim" and you can't say it prefers unmediated meetings at singles functions (or otherwise). You can only talk about particular communities.
Re point #6.
I reiterate my previously censored comment that there are many people within the orthodox world who do not take as a given the idea of bashert/zivug/preordination.
In speaking to the topic of a shadchan it is often used as a way to avoid accountability.
Warren,
When an organization (and that includes shules)holds an event for singles, any kind of organization,any kind of event, whether it is a lecture, a weekend, a museum trip or what have you, they are acting as "shadchanim"--they are facilitating the meeting of singles, and you bet their purpose is that some of them should find a shidduch because of the event. That they are "hands off" at the event does not change their original purpose. When your friends fix you up, when you go on a blind date, when you meet someone at lunch at someone's house--in every case someone has facilitated that meeting. I have already disavowed any deep knowledge of nor interest in those whose ideal stomping grounds are bars and clubs.
I think it has become pretty obvious that when I am referring to Klal Yisroel vis a vis the problems in shidduchim, I am speaking about observant Klal Yisroel. And I stand by my statement that the majority of that Klal prefers some kind of go between, some kind of facilitator, some kind of "shadchan." Most of the observant communities of Klal Yisroel prefer "mediated" dating in one form or another. The degree of involvement on the part of the mediator differs from community to community, ranging from "Here's a girls phone number--good luck!" to every step supervised by the mediator.
Just a note: blogs are personal to the person who writes them. It surely is understood that the material on a blog is the opinion of the person writing it. It is, therefore, unnecessary to preface every sentence with "IMHO."
G,
I have only ever refused to post two comments, and I know for a fact that those two did not come from you. Yup, some people don't hold from the idea of only one zivug, of a preordained mate. This, by the way, makes it both easier and harder on these people when trying to get married. It's easier in the sense that they don't have to worry "Is this really my zivug? What if I am making a mistake?" It's harder in the sense that they don't have the notion that there is definitely someone out there who has been prepared for them to give them chizuk when they have been dating for what seems like forever and still haven't found anyone to marry.
I agree that in many cases the shadchan serves as the "scapegoat," and serves as a way of avoiding personal accountability for the "failure" of a date to lead to marriage. Someone has to be the "fall guy," and it's lots easier to point the finger out rather than back at yourself. And no, shadchanim are not "perfect"--they have been known to make mistakes--it's just that I feel that they are hardly the only people in the process to make those mistakes, and it's patently unfair to make them take the blame for everything.
G,
It occurs to me that I may have misread part of your comment. Are you saying that shadchanim use the idea of a zivug or someone who is bashert to excuse themselves when a shidduch doesn't work out?
My community started a shidduch circle a few years ago and I was asked to join. I thought the idea was a good one and so I joined. I'm not active with the group any more because I honestly couldn't deal with the negativity that was involved. I went from being a regular person to being someone that people were suspicious of. If I asked someone in shule how their daughter or son was doing I sometimes got the answer"look we don't need you to redt a shidduch for them." What the whole experience did teach me was to be a lot more careful in how I spoke to and about a shadchan on behalf of my own kids, a lot more careful to be nice. I know a lot of people think that there shouldn't be a shadchans perspective on shidduch making but now that I have seen both sides I think there is value in it.
Okay so you are right that every one can be a shadchan but I still don't feel comfortable with having to talk to all those strangers. I keep repeating the same information over and over and for what?I don't see that all those questionares I have filled out have brought me anything better then my friends and family have.
"Are you saying that shadchanim use the idea of a zivug or someone who is bashert to excuse themselves when a shidduch doesn't work out?"
I am saying that is how #6 reads.
G,
Let me clarify point #6 then. There is a difference between a reason and an excuse. A reason can be supported through "fact." For those who believe that there is a preordained zivug, if a date doesn't work out, if a marriage doesn't result, then there is no "fault." It simply was not the fated zivug that was presented. This comment is not limited to only shadchanim. Parents and singles also say this.
I have nothing to excuse myself for when a date is not successful unless I knowingly and willfully lied about one or both parties to the date, or willfully set up two people who are nothing at all like the requirements these people gave me.
Fair enough. However, one of the resons that people can become frustrated w/ and cross at shadchanim for is not taking the neccessary steps or putting the neccessary thought into a suggestion. This stems often from the zivug/bashert mindset that allows for slapdah match-ups based upon a "well if it's meant to be, it's meant to be" crutch.
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