Who or What is an older Single? Defining terms

Let me start out by saying I have come to loathe, abhor and just plain hate the term "older single." The phrase irks me both in its denotation and its connotation. Its denotation--its definition--is murky and depends far too much on who is using it and when. Its connotation--the way we use it and the emotional meaning attached to it--is decidedly negative. And yet there it sits, a grotesque construction that "trips not lightly off the tongue." I so wish that my creative muse would strike me with a moment of genius and let me coin a term I could use without cringing.

The fairly simple words we use in speaking and writing can get us in enough trouble (see the comments on the name of this blog if you don't think so) without our tossing around a term that has trouble as its middle name.

Go ahead, I dare you, define "older single." Better yet, define "older." Older is a comparative form of "old." Comparatives are used in opposition--"higher" and "lower" for instance--or in a series--"first," "second" etc. So older is in opposition to younger--there, it's all perfectly clear to you now, right? Wrong! And someone who is older than someone else is comparatively older--if you are 16 and I am 17 then I am older. But if my brother is 18 then I am younger. For clarity, older needs a number attached to it, and that is where the problem begins.

Every group in Klal Yisroel has its own blurry definition of what age confers being "older" on someone. And each of these numbers is relative to other numbers which are relative to other numbers. Einstein had it a lot easier in developing his Theory of Relativity then we have it in trying to define "older." For chasidim, an "older" girl could be all of twenty. So could an "older" boy be. Among the non-chasdishe groups "older" can begin as early as 21 and go up from there. One "frum" organization held a symposium on the problems of older singles--older started at 24. One shidduch group puts all its "older singles" into a single category so shadchanim can easily find them. Singles from 24 to death all in the same category. Still other groups define "older" as beginning with 30.

In some cases there are "clue" words that are used. If someone says "I have a boy for you" that age may go up to the mid-thirties. If someone says "I have a girl for you" she is still in her twenties. If someone says "I know of a man for you" think 30's or maybe 40's and up. If someone says "I know of a woman for you" also think 30's and up. I admit I find myself floundering when trying to figure out when to call someone a "boy," a "girl," a "young man," a "young lady," a "woman" and a "man." Who qualifies for being a "bochur"? And yet, I don't feel comfortable in simply saying "I have a male/female I'd like to introduce you to."

And just what are you supposed to think when an "older" male says that he is looking for a "younger" woman? How young is young?

Our government uses certain ages to indicate when particular activities become legal for a person. You cannot vote before you are 18; you cannot drink before you are 21. You cannot get Social Security payments until you are 67 or older. There seems to be some practical reason behind the ages used, although there is some debate about the numbers. If you are old enough to fight and die for your country at 18 why aren't you old enough to have a drink and toast that same country? The various States set their own minimum ages for marriage, both for men and for women. The youngest age is 14--I'd like to know what possible logical reasoning was used in setting this age.

So there you have it. The definition of "older" cannot be pinned down. We talk about "older singles" as if the phrase actually meant something specific, something vital, something logical. No one can seem to agree on what "older" actually means or on what numbers apply to "older." No one is quite sure who qualifies for being an "older" single. But there is one thing that everyone agrees on and everyone believes--there are definitely older singles, and they aren't young.

Next up--what are the connotations attached to being an "older single."