Conspicuous Consumption--Speaking of Flowers

Society, both in Klal and outside of it, has developed some alarming habits of spending.Some of these are fodder for future posts, but in this one I'd like to discuss one area that bothers me no end: Flowers

Recently I have been to a number of weddings, ranging in venue from "fancy" halls outside of the Brooklyn area to halls in Williamsburg. In thinking back, not one of the weddings was without fresh flowers on the tables at the dinner, or without flower arrangements at the entry doors, at the smorgasbords and at the chupah, and yes, in the ladies rooms.

I have also been to a few "vorts," also an occasion where flowers are present. Members of the family send floral arrangements; friends sometimes do as well. The arrangements for these affairs are not small ones.

I have also been present at a "l'chaim," where the choson and his family brought a rather large floral arrangement for the kallah. There were also some floral arrangements sent by friends. I was also at a few "aufrufs" and assorted other "simcha" occasions. You wouldn't believe the floral arrangements.

Now I happen to love flowers, and I garden also. I pretty much know which flowers are in or out of season, which are difficult to grow and therefore expensive, which require hothouses and therefore are expensive, and which need to be imported because they don't grow locally. I also know a thing or two about containers for these flowers and display stands for the containers. I can pretty much estimate the cost of a floral arrangement by its size and container.

What I have been seeing can only be called "conspicuous consumption" in some cases and "keeping up with the Joneses" in others. You do the math. Table floral arrangements that range from 60 to 180 dollars for one, not counting the cost of renting "proper" display stands from the hall or florist, and not counting the cost of some of the fancier containers. The flowers in the arrangements all imported from out of town, out of country. Now multiply that cost times 30 to 40 to 50 tables. And those aren't the only flowers at a wedding. We are talking here one night, and just how many arrangements can the parents of the new couple take home to use for Sheva Brochos? Are parents really spending these amounts of money so that guests can take home a floral "souvenir"?

I was called by someone and asked if I wanted to be a partner in a floral arrangement that was being sent to an aufruf kiddush. When I asked, I was told that there would be 9 of us contributing. Whatever number may have been flashing through my mind was dispelled when I was told that we were all to chip in $50 each. $450 for one floral arrangement? I declined the "honor."

Years back many of the "gemachs" in New York City began renting out silk flower arrangments for simchas. In this way there were flowers on the tables and a tzedaka made some money to carry out its work. I haven't seen many of these arrangements lately. I made this comment to someone I was sitting next to and was told "it's sort of passe now to rent the flowers." Someone else piped in "Fake flowers when you could have real? Why?" Another person shrugged her shoulders and said: "The parents obviously have the money. Why should I care?"
(Let me digress here a moment--just because someone can afford something does not mean they should be doing something. And oh, if only this problem were limited to the wealthy in a "pissing contest" over who can be more ostentatious.)

Over the past years many of my nieces and nephews have become chosonim or kallahs. I don't buck the trend to the point where I, as an aunt, refuse to send flowers. What I refuse to do is get "robbed." In some cases I have partnered with a sister in law and we have sent a gift pack to display instead of a floral arrangement--at least the couple can use the things in the pack after they are married. For a different vort, a sister in law and I partnered on some fancy cookie platters--at least people could eat and enjoy what was presented. When flowers were necessary, I avoided the florists who "specialize" in the frum communities and their simchas. I shopped around and found a whoesale florist who was artistic but worked with flowers in season grown locally. I found a beautiful and interesting container at one of those "you wouldn't believe what they sell here and for how cheap" stores, and I brought it to the florist to use. At the vort, everyone without exception commented on how beautiful the arrangement was. The parents loved it. The choson and kallah loved it. Did I really need to spend $250--the cost of a different arrangement that evening--to say congratulations and I love you?

So what are some practical suggestions that can rein in spending on what is a luxury no matter how you look at it? How can we change a spending habit that is not worthy of Klal?

For one thing, we can decide back that the rented floral pieces from a gemach are not passe.
For another, we can vastly reduce prices paid by using only local fresh flowers that are in season. Okay, so you won't get imported lilies or bird of paradise flowers. Will this nullify your marriage vows?

Next, most containers are covered by the flowers in them. If you are purposefully showcasing the container, mayhap you should ask yourself who you are looking to impress. Keep it simple. Does anyone who should matter to you really really care that there is a "name brand" on the container?

Next, those "fancy" pedestals that halls charge extra for? Why do they do this? Their answer is "To recoup the charge we paid for them. We shouldn't have to pay for what is really an extra that people want." Hmmmm. At what point do those pedestals get paid for? The answer is "never." The pedestals are a cash cow for halls. Perhaps we should refuse to be "milked." I mentioned this to a friend who is not afraid to tangle with caterers and she says the next time she makes a simcha she is asking to see the bill showing the original cost of the pedestals and also how many simchas the pedestals have been used at.

How about this? I truly, truly don't care if there is a flower arrangement in the ladies room. If I avail myself of the facilities I am not "stopping to smell the roses."

Size does make a difference in some areas. You can't seat a family of 8 at a table that only holds 4. When it comes to flowers for a simcha bigger is not necessarily better. And do competing gargantuan floral centerpieces at a vort add anything aesthetically? What they do say is "I spent at least $200 and up and you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't and so there."

Perhaps try this. When going to a florist who caters to the frum community refuse to be browbeaten into spending more then is necessary just because the florist says "everyone is "noheg" with this type of arrangement." You want to be socially smart? Set a new trend, one that does not break the bank. Frankly, no city has just one florist--shop around.

Think about some of the alternatives to flowers. Pay for something that the simcha celebrant can use for a long time after the simcha.

If fresh flowers remain your choice, then choose wisely.

I am not advocating that no flowers ever should be sent for a simcha, or be put out at a simcha. What I am advocating is an end to the competition, to the one-up-man-ship, to the envy, to the budget breaking and the debt inducing. And what I am asking for is that Klal admit that things have gotten out of hand and that we need to retrench. When mailboxes are stuffed with appeals from tzedaka organizations that feed the poor and hungry Jews among us, what possible justification can we offer for overspending on an item that is dead before the florist cashes the check you paid for it with?

I have a feeling I will hear from you--by all means, comment.