Great Expectations or Who is a Shidduch for?

A shidduch is a match for one boy and one girl, or one man and one woman if you would prefer. The complications involved in trying to be m'shaddich these two already add in enough difficulty to the process without adding in anything outside of their preferences. But you have to add in something else. Because today, a shidduch is about the girl's parents, the boy's parents, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles and cousins, the yeshivas attended by both, the seminary the girl went to, the neighbors on the block, the people in the shules the families go to, the boy's Rebbe, the boy's chavrusa,the prospective couple's friends and their school mates, the parents' friends and everybody who has ever heard of the family, and a few who haven't as well.

It is not only a prospective choson or kallah that have expectations--everyone mentioned above does as well. And everyone will feel free to advise someone in the shidduch parsha, and criticize someone in the shidduch parsha. And they will feel free to comment on who the boy and the girl are dating, and certainly about who they will eventually choose. And lots of those people are going to express disappointment in how things are going.

Certainly we don't each of us live in a vacuum; we live among other people. And we value some of those people more than others--our parents, for instance. Yes, our parents' opinions should be important to us, but not more important then our own. If you like a boy's sense of humor but your father does not, should that be a reason for not seeing the boy again? If you have found a boy who suits you very well, but your mother doesn't like his mother, is that a reason for calling things off?

If your grandfather or uncle or aunt doesn't think a girl is "yichusdik" enough for you and your family, should you end things? If your aunt is worried that if you marry the girl you are seeing it is going to be harder for her children to make a shidduch, is that reason enough to end things?

Should you be worried about what the neighbors will think if you marry a particular person? The seminary you attended wants you to marry a particular type of boy because otherwise its reputation will not be enhanced and other parents might not send their girls there. Is this a reason to break things off?

And then there are your friends. A few of my students were speaking together before class. One boy mentioned that another student had become a choson. There were general "mazel tovs" but one boy was shaking his head. He was asked what was wrong. He answered: "I don't know--she is not the type of girl I expected he would take. I thought he would do better. I guess I don't know him as well as I thought I did." Are you really expected to take a vote among your friends before committing to marriage?

I don't know many people who are planning to live like hermits when they get married--all married couples will live as a part of a greater community. We trust that the people we know will have our best interests at heart. BUT those "best interests" are not always YOUR interests.

Sit down and seriously ask yourself what it is that you, and only you, want in a shidduch. What would make you happy? What would you find fulfilling? Only after you have thought long and hard about your personal requirements should you open your ears to others. They may or may not have ideas that you find appealing. If they don't, close your ears. The boy who might make your aunt happy over the breakfast table also might induce nausea in you. Yes, families "shep nachas" when one of their own gets married. But making your family happy is not the stated primary goal of making a shidduch. The goal of a shidduch is a new family--yours.

When a boy or a girl starts out a conversation with me about a shidduch with "My mother says..." or "My friends said..." I know I am in trouble. Let's prioritize--you tell me what "you say" and let's leave out the others except for invitations to the wedding.