The War of the Snoods--part #4--Brokering a Peaceful Settlement

Any war that rages on forever destroys all parties involved in it. But a war won't end unless all parties know what caused it, know how they have contributed to it. Both men and women have contributed to the snood war, and it will take both men and women to end it.

Working from the "facts" contained in the previous postings we can conclude the following:

1. Men find hair attractive.

2. Men don't like change in their wives.

Put these two together and you can conclude that a young men prefers to see hair on his wife's head rather than fabric. He likes shaitlach because at least they are hair.

3. Men don't care much about fashion, style or accessories.
What is unimportant to them they mistakenly ascribe to their wives as well--since I don't care about this she doesn't either.

4. Although men like their comfort they don't necessarily think about how women might like their comfort as well. And the fact that men and women dress differently, which contributes to comfort, doesn't occur to most of them.

5. Because of #3 men do not consider that there might be different "uniforms" appropriate to different activities and places.

6. Women are style conscious. Many times they will wear things not because they like them--they might-- but because they are in style. Women like to look like other women, at least in a general way.

7. Women recognize that there are "uniforms" required in all kinds of life situations.
The "uniform" required for work is not the one that is required in their own homes. Shopping requires a different uniform then a chasoneh does. For women, a snood is a stylish and acceptable part of the uniform that says "comfortable."

8. Keeping a woman's hair in perfect "viewing" condition requires tons of work. Frum married women, whose hair is no longer on display, no longer devote the same amount of time to keeping that hair display perfect.

The snood works perfectly. Together with 6 and 7, a snood is "in style," covers the less than perfect hair and frizzies, and is an appropriate part of a uniform for less formal occasions.

9. Shaitlach are not constructed for comfort, regardless of what the manufacturers say. They get hot and itchy. The clips and pins holding them in place are headache inducing. Sometimes you have to wear one--it's part of the required uniform--see 6 and 7. But for comfort a shaitle is out--a tichel is more light weight and less hot.

So now we have the basis for our "war." Men, who like hair and don't like change, see the snoods their wives wear as an affront. They take it personally--Why doesn't she want to look good for me any more? Women see snoods as a comfortable way to fulfill the halacha and as an appropriate part of the informal dress "code." They are also in style. They also tell themselves that it is not like their husbands never get to see their hair--it's just that those moments are very private ones.

Let's look at the following scenario. A young husband comes home. What does he do first? He takes off his hat, he takes off his jacket, he pulls off his tie, he unbuttons his collar button, he rolls up his sleeves and he loosens his belt. In other words, he gets comfortable. His young wife, who has probably worked outside the home all day, has come home and gotten comfortable as well. She has in all likelihood stopped and shopped for groceries on the way home. She has thrown in a load of laundry if she is lucky enough to have a washer/dryer available where she is living. And she is cooking dinner or has already done so. Then her husband comes home and glares because she is wearing a snood.

If you are male and reading this ask yourself the following: would I be willing to stay in my jacket, tie and hat when I come home? Would I be willing to eat dinner this way? Would I stay this way until it was time to go to sleep? If the answer is yes, then you have to negotiate with your wife. You will need to explain that you want a more formal household where both you and she remain in your "outside world costumes." If your answer is no, then you will have to realize that a snood is "taking off the hat" to your wife.

Let's also keep in mind that the war over snoods is not always over snoods--snoods are just the flash point for other things that are bothering a young man. Is it that you don't think your wife cares any more to be attractive to you? She has me now she doesn't bother keeping herself up? Is it possibly that the problem is that "my kallah has disappeared and been replaced by a wife" and that is hard to adjust to? And it is just plain possible that a young husband for whom style and being stylish is not important is mixing up his wife's stylishness with a nefarious intent on her part that just is not there?

And for a young wife, being told she looks like a "shmate head" is not going to add to her self confidence. Perhaps she might be thinking "Did he only marry me for the wrapping? Doesn't he appreciate the gift inside?"

And gentlemen, just because you know the halacha about hair covering is coming doesn't mean that you are prepared for the reality. That "crowning glory" is going to become a "hidden asset."

So there we have it. Men and women, who are very different, find themselves living together after marriage with some different ideas about what is going to happen in that marriage. Instead of discussing the differences quietly and rationally, they go to war. Both parties to this war need to learn about negotiation, about tact, about conversation rather than confrontation.

A very wise woman--my mother--told me before I got married, "Pick your battles--you can't win them all." This applies to both men and women. Is a war over a snood really a war worth having?