Oh joy! Going on a first date

What is the purpose of a first date? Presumably it is for the purpose of getting comfortable enough with a young man or woman so that you can go on a second date. I know, I am out of step with a lot of other people who believe that the first date is the all important one--the first date decides the future of a couple. On the basis of a few hours a boy or girl is supposed to be knowledgable enough about the "datee" to make a decision about continuing, with the idea in mind that the "datee" is definitely "shayech."

I don't buy into this and I never have. Prior to a first date both young people are nervous; after all, this person may or may not be their whole future life. They may have spoken to this person on the phone for a little bit, but they have, for the most part, never actually seen them. They have a hundred pieces of advice floating around in their heads, and dozens of questions that someone has told them are "good" questions to ask. They are monitoring every word they say and every gesture they make. They are, in short, acting anything but naturally.

Just a few scant days, weeks or months before their parents would have been horrified if they walked on the street with a virtual stranger. Now, suddenly the tables are turned, their parents are sending them off with this stranger, and then the parents say: "Have a good time." Yeah, right.

Let's backtrack for a minute. You are at a friend's house and there is a new girl in town who is there. What do you talk about with her? Do you ask her her philosophical stand on a type of hashkafa? Do you ask her to tell you what she learned about the parsha in seminary? Do you grill her about the minutae of the minhagim her family practices? Do you rate her on her conversational skills with you, a stranger? Do you decide that she is pretty enough to become your friend? Do you even care? No, you do not. You ask her where she is from originally. You ask if she has siblings. You ask where she went to camp. You ask what her hobbies are. You ask where she went to school. In short, you make "getting to know you" conversation. And unless she has told you she advocates overthrowing the government or something else like that, you don't decide right then and there on whether she is worthy of being a friend.

Yet, that is exactly what we ask boys and girls to do on the basis of the first date. And we complicate things further by demanding so much information in advance that there is no "getting to know you" conversation left to be had. The shadchan has already had your "first date" for you and reported back all the information. What is left for you to talk about?

Sure, there is still lots to converse about on other dates, and I'll cover that in another post, but the point being made is that those questions are not questions that will put both of you at ease. Those questions are not designed to reduce your nervousness. Those questions are not designed to make you comfortable in each other's presence. Semi-inocuous chitchat is relaxing precisely because it is non-threatening. How badly can you screw up a date and the "datee's" opinion of you by saying "My younger brother likes building model airplanes."

I have been told by some parents that chitchat is a time waster and frum kids don't date for all that long before having to make a decision; chitchat does not advance the dating process. Baloney. A girl and a boy are not themselves on a first date, for the most part. They need something to give them some confidence, to let them be themselves. Chitchat does exactly that.

So, to both parents and their children I ask that they think about whether all of the information that they insist on knowing beforehand is really necessary. Couldn't some things be left for the dating couple to find out? What do you discover about a boy's midos when you ask what camps his siblings attended? The question has no possible bearing on the suitability of a boy, but it can serve as chitchat on a date. In the process of asking the questions the parents don't ask, the boy and girl might get comfortable enough to make a good impression. In the process they might also recognize that a first date is only a preliminary process that you have to get through to get to the "real" dating, which begins with the second date.