On being Gifted, Klal-Style
Years ago I made a shidduch for a couple where one of the people was from out of town. The mother called me to ask what the custom was in New York as far as gifts to the kallah went, and what they could expect that their son would get. I came to the conclusion that "sochrim" in New York and other Jewish centers were truly actively interested in seeing that shidduchim are made--their next Lexus depends on it.
When a boy asks a girl to marry him he usually marks the occasion by presenting the girl with a bracelet. At the l'chaim (should I mention the premium liquor that flows like water?) or certainly by the vort a girl gets a diamond engagement ring. At the same time, the boy's parents present the girl with at least a necklace if not also earrings. The girl's parents give the choson a "choson watch" usually in gold, some in 18 karat, and definitely expensively name branded. There are still a few families that carry on the old tradition of giving the kallah a watch as well--think gold or platinum with diamonds somewhere on it. There are some who also have the kallah giving the choson gold cufflinks for the vort. Not bad for the first 48 hours of being choson and kallah.
It is also expected that when the parents come together for the first time the parents of the choson send an elaborate floral arrangement to the kallah. Sometimes this is done twice: for the l'chaim and for the vort.
If there are grandparents, they also mark the occasion of the engagement or at least the wedding by gifting the new couple. Some give jewelry; others buy expensive items to be used after marriage, such as sterling silver flatware or the like.
It is still the custom followed by many--and expected by many--that a girl receives her "lachter" from her mother in law as well as her first sheitle. The choson is gifted with a kitel, a talis, and in many cases a silver "atorah" to put on the talis, and a complete set of Shas. He also may receive a talis and tefillin "batel"--bag--with his name embroidered on it.
For the wedding, the kallah receives a wedding band. At the wedding, in the yichud room, a choson may give his kallah pearls or another form of necklace. The choson's parents may throw in a matching pair of earrings. And it is the custom by some that the morning after the wedding the choson gifts his kallah with a piece of jewelry.
During the engagement period a choson is expected to send flowers to his kallah for Shabbos, and many a smart choson also sends flowers to his future mother in law for Shabbos.
And for the most part, a kallah and her mother are expected to purchase all the household necessities that a couple will need. Let's not even talk about gifts for the various showers that will be held.
Robbed any good banks lately? While the custom of giving gifts to the kallah can be seen in Chumash--Avraham sent Eliezer with a nose ring and two bracelets for Rivka--it is probably way past time to rein in the madness. When parents simply cannot afford the price of all the gifts, a choson or a kallah feels "less valued" then their friends who have received all the goodies. Are we really looking to raise "kinoh" in our young people? With so many young couples being supported in their first years of marriage because the young man is not yet earning a living, can parents really afford all the shtick? When small houses in urban Jewish centers cost an arm and two legs, if you are lucky to find one at that price, cannot the gift money be put to better use?
When I got married my husband gave me a diamond engagement ring--by the by, he paid for it out of his own earnings--and I received a watch from my in laws. When our parents met, I received flowers from my in laws. At the wedding I received a wedding band. "Zeh hu." My choson got a gold watch, a talis with a silver "atorah," and an embroidered talis and tefillin batel and a kitel. I was not out of the ordinary. Only the very wealthy got more. And some got less. And yet, somehow, we all felt legitimately married.
Have we gone overboard? I think so. What do you think?
6 comments:
I totally agree that this has gotten out of hand. I wonder what you have to say about the whole "support" issue which places all or most of the financial obligations on the girls parents rather than on the couple themselves.
halfshared,
Support--the who, what and how much--will definitely be in a future posting.
Looking forward. It is mind-boggling to me even though my parents are glad to support me. It just doesnt make sense. Thanks for a great blog!
What about when you don't like jewelery?
lon,
The possibilities seem to boil down to these:
1. Your choson and his parents won't believe you and gift you with jewelry anyway. You learn to practice smiling in the mirror.
2. Your choson and his parents will believe you and you will get nothing except a wedding band. You learn to practice smiling in the mirror.
3. You will have thought of some alternative gifts, given your choson some well placed "hints," your choson and his family will believe you and you will get a gift more to your liking.
Example of a hint: "I would really prefer something that you and I could share when we are married. How about a silver menorah instead of an engagement ring?" or "Instead of all the jewelry gifts, perhaps your parents would consider buying us a dining room set, and this way not only would we use it but we could invite them over to eat with us."
I can't guarantee that the hinting will result in what you want, but it just might.
A bunch of us were talking about gifts. A friend's husband said something like, "I don't have to get you flowers every Friday, right?" and she said, "Right."
Most of us disagreed. We liked the idea of a husband thinking about his wife on his way home from work/yeshiva every Friday. Nothing wrong with a gift.
But when the gifts get perfunctory "what do we have to get" "what do they have to get", then it's just stupid. It's not a gift, it's a dowry. So why pretend?
Along with the car and apartment and full-support-for-five-years dowry, we can stick in "tallis and atara and gold watch" for the bride, and "ring, bracelet, sheitel, and candlesticks" for the groom.
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