Lies, more Lies and Shidduchim--Part 1
In American courtrooms witnesses are told to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." It's a good principle, and I wish it would apply more often when people are making shidduchim.

There are two types of lies: those of commission and those of omission. A lie of commission is to knowingly tell someone that which is not true. A lie of omission is to leave out some information that you know, which if known by a recipient, would change the meaning of the message conveyed. Both types of lies are alive and well when it comes to shidduchim.

So, what type of lies show up in shidduchim? Number one on the hit parade is lying about someone's age. Let's say that a girl has said that she wants someone no older than 25 years old. A shadchan has a boy whom he believes will be "perfect" for the girl, except Mr. Perfection is 29. Does the shadchan talk to the girl and try and use the boy's obvious midos as a basis to change the girl's mind? Nope, too much work or something. Instead, the boy "miraculously" becomes 25 or sometimes 24. And to be fair, it is not always the shadchan who does this changing; sometimes it is the boy's mother or father or rebbe or friend or the boy himself.

What is the result of this lying? In a few cases the boy and girl continue seeing each other and a shidduch may result. In the vast majority of cases, however, the shidduch is dead in the water when the real age is discovered. The girl and her parents think to themselves: "If they have lied to us about age, a relatively minor thing, then what else have they lied to us about?"

I used to think it was an urban legend that some rebbeim and roshei hayeshiva told their students that it was okay to lie about age, but too many of the boys I have dealt with for shidduchim have told me that their rebbe/rosh yeshiva said it was okay. I asked one of these young men if he could ask his rebbe to explain why lying about age was okay in shidduchim. I got a garbled explanation but the gist follows.

All lying is not "ossur." We are told that a man can lie to his wife for "shalom bais." Besides, age is such a silly thing for a girl to have a hang up about. A shidduch shouldn't be based on the age of the people. Let them meet and you'll see how much they like each other.

Where to begin? First of all, a couple in shidduchim do not have "shalom bais" issues--shalom bais is between a husband and a wife. And not all lying between a husband and a wife is permissible either. A man's lying to his wife about having an affair with another woman is a far different thing from his answering his wife's question "Isn't this dress absolutely gorgeous?!" with a positive rather than negative response, even if he hates the dress.

Girls are silly to be hung up on age? First, it's not just girls. Try to "red" a shidduch to a boy and tell him the girl is a year or two older than he is, or even his own age. The answer in most cases is a resounding "No!" Boys are just as hung up on age as girls may be. And to be fair, some girls don't care about age.

Honesty compels me to add in here that sometimes people also lie about the age of a girl. The reason I have heard most often for this practice is that boys won't look at "older" girls. Unfortunately, they are mostly right.

Silly? Wanting a boy only a few years older is silly? Strange, our use of language. Boys can be mistaken but girls are silly. Let's drop the inflammatory, sexist language--perhaps shidduchim would go smoother without it.

Now, is age a strange consideration when considering a shidduch. Yes and no. People in the same age range tend to share similar experiences. A boy of 24 and a girl of 21 have lived through pretty much the same societal happenings. The boy is perhaps just starting out in his chosen field of work and the girl may be as well. Their dating experience may be pretty similar as well.

Now change the boy's age to 29 or 30 or 31. You are now talking about what can be vastly different experience levels. And this difference can be uncomfortable for a girl, and perhaps for a boy as well. This is not carved in stone, but it is the norm in most cases. Now let's say the girl has indicated she doesn't want anyone over 30 and the boy is 34. Frankly, 13 years age difference is a large gap. Psychologists don't recommend it and most girls don't want it either. One of the girls I "red" shidduchim to put it this way: "It's like marrying your father!" Not quite, but the point is taken.

Perhaps the question we ought to be asking is why a man--and at 34 we ought to stop calling them boys--of 34 wants a girl of 21. The answers to that question don't generally make me very happy.

Let me add this in to the discussion. Insurance mortality tables show that women in general live longer than men do. All other things being equal, a woman of 21 marrying a man of 34 is pretty much guaranteeing herself that she will outlive her husband by a large margin. Morbid? Perhaps, but it adds in a bit of practicality into the discussion. If you want more couples celebrating their 50th anniversaries, then let the woman be a few years older than the man when they get married.

One last thing. A boy and a girl are entitled to ask for some things that they have decided they want in a shidduch. Age may be one of these. It is no "stranger" a requirement then many others, such as a boy requiring that a girl not be larger than a size 6--and that is the subject of a different post to come.

So, does age matter in a shidduch? Should it? Let me hear from you.