Terms for Shidduchim--Part II
In Part I I discussed the neutral definitions, those not in dispute. Now I'd like to begin with those terms which, I believe, are responsible for a lot of the problems in making shidduchim today: the terms with multiple definitions, most of them hazy.

A bit of history is necessary here. Decades back, the terminology was more limited and a lot simpler. You were asked if you were frum or not frum, and no one seemed to have any problems with the concept. People said they were religious, and no one challenged them. Yes, there were some subdivisions. There were chasidim and their counterparts, the misnagdim. And people generally understood what you were talking about if you said you were Modern Orthodox. There was a further identification in some cases by country of origin: you had the Yekis and the Polish and the Litvaks and the Hungarians and the Czech etc. You might also refer to a family as "heimisch," meaning they were most likely an immigrant family from Europe. There weren't a lot of Baalei teshuva back then, and far fewer gerim.

If your family was observant--another one of those terms everyone seemed to understand--they would not "red" you any shidduch but where the person was also observant. Yes, chasidim preferred marrying other chasidim, but in general, all you knew about the person being "red" was that they were observant or frum.

Welcome to today's madness. The terms mentioned before have become virtually meaningless. Go ahead, define the word frum today. I bet you can't do it, not without reference to at least a dozen other terms, themselves fuzzy. What kind of frum are you talking about? Are you talking about someone who is yeshivish? Are they litvish? Are they chasidish? Are they black hatters? Are they modern? Are they centrist? Are they right wing? Left wing? Naturiah Karta? Are they to the right or left of Young Israel? Are they frum YU (as opposed to what, for heavens sake!) Are they out of town frum as opposed to New York frum? And if they happen to be Baalei teshuva, is that long term or short term? Are they baalei teshuva who were never frum but became frum, and what kind of frum did they become, or were they frum, went off the derech and then became frum again?

The terms just mentioned, and many more, all appear on the questionnaires that various shidduch organizations ask people to fill out, to categorize what kind of frum they are. Go back and look at those terms again. What do they mean? Do they really mean anything? One questionnaire asks applicants what type of black hatter they are, if they wear a hat only for davening or if they wear a hat at all other times as well. On another questionnaire the applicant is required to indicate what type of kipoh he wears--'sruga" (knit), velvet, leather or other. If you are yeshivish, does that mean all yeshivot? Or that all boys in a particular yeshiva are yeshivish? Not in this lifetime!

Girls are asked if they "dress Bais Yaakov" or modern, whatever that means. (Take a look at the ads for Funky Frumster and you'll see the problem.) Girls may be asked if they will wear their hair covered after marriage, and covered with what, how and when. One shadchan who called me about a boy I was the "sole" representative of, wanted to know if he would take a girl whose sleeves were at the elbow, or did he want them below the elbow.

And don't think that chasidish is all that clear either. Which type of chasidus? Satmar doesn't marry Bostoner etc. And from my own experience in "redding" a chasidishe shidduch, does the young man wear chasidishe undergarments or does he wear regular?
The questionnaires reflect how people are referring to themselves in general. Nor are the terms used all by themselves: there are combination categories. Just what is a right of center semi-black hat modern yeshivish boy who is litvish but with some chasidishe minhagim? And what, pray tell, is the female equivalent for that young man?

We need to simplify the language we use to describe levels of observance and of frumkeit. We are dividing our religious requirements into ever smaller groupings that are making it difficult to "red" shidduchim, or to actually understand the shidduchim being "red."

Once upon a time, a boy and a girl out on a date used to talk to each other. Some of the things they discussed were how they observed Yiddishkeit in their parents' homes. They would discuss their minhagim. Over the course of dating they would discover whether they were simpatico as regards being frum. Today we try to legislate all this through the use of terms that are meaningless gibberish. Is someone really trying to sell us on the idea that if a boy wears a feather or doesn't wear a feather in his hat that this makes any difference whatsoever as to how frum he is?

So, what's the answer? How do we dig ourselves out of the deep ditch we are in? Can we go back in time and just say "frum" again? If not, what do we do? It should be obvious that we need to do something; we are on a collision course with disaster. Soon enough we are going to divide ourselves into such small particles that each individual member of Klal Yisroel will constitute their own branch of frumkeit, leaving them with no one to marry.

Let's have a conversation about this. All comments are welcome.