Watching our Ps & Qs--#1
The shidduch process is difficult enough as it is, and then we open our mouths and speak. There are some areas where shmiras haloshon ought to be enforced. For those who either speak Yiddish or use lots of Yiddishisms or Hebrewisms, watch what you say!
Recently someone called me excitedly. They had been to a wedding and found lots of new "s'choira" for shidduch making. I saw red.
A "socher" is a merchant, one who buys and sells merchandise. "S'choira" is merchandise, meant to be bought and sold.
Years back, while teaching high school, during the recess break the teachers were sitting together and "redding" shidduchim. A boy had been mentioned. One teacher recommended a particular girl for that boy. Another person piped up: "No, it's not "shayech." She's_____high school s'choira."
Is this what we have come to? Buying and selling our children as if they were last season's merchandise to be put out on the "remnants" rack? I can just see the newspaper ads: "Great buy. Must be seen to be believed. Tiny imperfection will not affect the years of usage."
I am a volunteer shadchan; I am not a merchant. I deal with living, breathing beautiful neshomos, and I am darned if I will disrespect their hopes and aspirations by treating them as if they were packages on a shelf at Waldbaums.
"As you speak, so shall ye do." Maybe if we stopped speaking about our singles in Klal Yisroel as if they were merchandise we might be able to see them for the individuals they are, and we might improve the shidduch scene.
3 comments:
Aren't we "on the market" until we're disposed of? Then people smile and say, "Oh good, she's taken care of. Ne-ext!"
Unfortunately, that's how we even see ourselves. We discuss "who's left" from our chevra and from our high school and seminary. Like those 'left' are somehow the merchandise at the back of the shelf.
And after a few years, don't we go on 'sale'? Suddenly we're less picky about little things like age or weight or former engagements...
[/sarcasm]
Great blog. But everyone is categorized by what they are looking for and it is crazy. I love in a fairly average size town so everyone knows everyone. Here you are either look for chassidshe or litvish. No one if looking for all these crazy terms that you have written on the blog. Yes during redding the shidduch it may come up that the father was a BT or whatever. But no one here goes around saying, I am looking for a guy who wears a blue shirt on shabbos who went to a black hat yeshiva. Doesn't happen. Its either one or the other.
bad4shidduchim
I'd like to make a suggestion. It still takes 100 pennies to make a dollar. Take the "penny" that is yourself and consciously decide to change your use of the terms that offend, like "in the market" and the one I can't stand at all--"on the shelf." I don't care if you have to paste a post-it note on your forehead, but find a way to change your language. A funny thing happens when one penny goes missing--the dollar is incomplete and is not worth as much.
And when someone uses a term that bothers you, be polite but correct them--"I'm sorry, but I'm not in the market, I am looking for my zivug." Maybe that person, too, will become a missing penny.
And after you have mastered the changes, ask a friend if she, too, will agree to stop using the language that offends.
If enough "pennies" leave the dollar, the dollar is going to be forced to change. But first a penny has to be missing.
Hatzlachah raboh if you try this.
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