Defining Terms for Shidduchim--Part I:
There are any number of people who are already in the "shidduch parsha" and a number who aren't yet but who will be soon who are totally confused by the terminology used in shidduch making. Out of towners sometimes don't understand the lingo used in the major urban Jewish centers, New York in particular. Those whose Yiddish is rusty or non-existent also get confused. Baalei teshuvah may also not know all these terms.
Frankly, those of us who are volunteer shadchanim aren't always sure what the terms mean either, as some groups define things one way, and other groups define things another way. What follows are some common terms that are used in shidduch making and some working definitions for those terms. In this posting I have listed the "neutral" terms. Those that are disputed will come in a later posting.
Neutral Terms to Know: The meanings of these terms are usually not in dispute.
Shidduch--a match of two people for the purposes of marriage
Shadchan--a matchmaker. Plural is shadchanim. Keep in mind that some shadchanim work "l'shem mitzvah"--they do not charge money for their services. Other shadchanim charge for setting you up and/or for any match that results in a marriage. Ask up front. You may still hear the term shadchanus gelt used. This is the money that is paid to a shadchan for making a shidduch.
The Shidduch Parsha--in the process of trying to get married.
"To red a shidduch"--Yiddish idiom that means to speak about and present a shidduch to a male and a female.
Shver--a father-in-law
Shviger--a mother-in-law
Mechutonim (also machatanim)--those related to you by marriage; commonly applied to a person's spouse's parents.
FFB--frum from birth. This refers both to the person for whom a shidduch is being "red" and to that person's family.
Ger Tzedek--one who has converted to Judaism through an "Orthodox" religious conversion.
Baal Teshuvah or Baalas Teshuvah--These are people who were born Jewish and either never were religious and then became religious, or who were religious, went off the "derech" and then returned to being religious. I include the term under "neutral" although it will also be discussed under the terms with definitions in dispute.
If these terms seem simplistic to some of you, keep in mind that they may be the only simple thing in the whole shidduch process. They may also be the only things we can all agree on.
2 comments:
Always wondered... does FFB/BT really matter? I mean, if a person is a dedicated Jew, who cares what his parents are?
lon,
It both does and doesn't matter. Parents seem to want the "ideal" for their children--in-laws who will be another set of parents, in whose homes children will be made welcome and comfortable in all ways.
There is some truth to it when parents don't want non-frum machatanim. They feel that there are some very difficult times ahead when their child won't be able to eat in the in-law's house, or go for a Shabbos or a yom tov, or even in making a wedding.
It takes very special parents to welcome the perfect partner for their child while still acknowledging that his/her family is not frum. Such people exist-- they just aren't the mainstream.
The bigger problem, as I see it, is just how long do you have to be frum before you stop being labeled a BT. I was once "red" a shidduch for one of my daughters. The shadchan asked if we would take a boy from a baal teshuvah family. My thought was that the family must have only recently become frum, so I asked "How long are they baalei teshuvah?" The answer was 23 years! We said yes to the shidduch, and when the boy walked in to our house I took him aside and told him that he really should stop answering the BT question with "yes." After 23 years I think the frum thing took.
Now on a practical level there may be a reason for the BT designation. Some activities that some people indulge in when they are not frum would preclude their being "red" to a cohen. So yes, the parents of a Cohen would have an interest in knowing the full background of a person being "red."
My daughter met a young woman who was a baalas teshuvah at a singles event. They became friendly and the girl came to our home for a Shabbos. We liked her as well and I asked if she would be interested in having me "red" her a shidduch. She said she would like that but that her preference would be for a boy who was himself a baal teshuvah. She felt that such a boy would better understand where she came from and where she was going.
In theory you are correct: what a person's parents are should not matter. Practically, however, it doesn't seem to work out that way.
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