Navigating the In-law Shoals

Everyone who has ever lived has heard the in-law stories. Some are truly funny and some are truly frightening. While some are undoubtedly exagerrations, others are fully true. Having heard the stories we all frantically attempt to not only find our zivug but also make sure that his/her family is exactly to our liking. Therein is where the trouble begins.

Here is what I believe, come to over many years of observing others and yes, of being a daughter-in-law. Unless there is a major issue in someone else's family--one side is all awaiting execution on Federal charges, for example--forget about the family when making your decision on getting married. Yes, forget about the family.

Here are the facts about families. You will both have one. They will not be identical to each other, even if they are fairly similar. Even if they are your choson's or kallah's nearest and dearest they will be strangers to you and it takes a long time to develop a relationship. Sometimes that relationship may be a very close one; other times the relationship is only cordial or even "business-like." And sometimes that relationship may never get beyond bare minimum tolerance. You cannot legislate liking or love for strangers no matter how you might like to; it either comes or it doesn't.

Unless you have no parents of your own, making a shidduch is NOT about finding a new set of parents. Families will take sides in any disagreement, the line usually drawn with their being on the side of the child that is biologically theirs. When a husband and wife have a disagreement it is NOT an us versus them problem, families included as combatants--it should only be a he versus she problem. Families experience "loss" when a child marries, and they attempt to put off that loss by holding on when they should be letting go. What others may see as meddling they see as being "close."

Here are some other facts. Newly married couples are not some possession to be squabbled over. In fact, they no longer "belong" to their birth families. They are now a completely new family of their own. Our sages tell us that a man should leave his home and cleave to his wife. In short, the new unit takes precedence over the old unit. No, you are not "divorcing" your family, but their precedence in your life has been changed. Despite our all knowing this, putting it into practice may not always be easy.

In short, we give "family"--his and hers--too much emphasis when looking at a possible shidduch. So what if you don't "like" his family? So what if you can't stand his sister? Is absolutely every member of your family and extended family so perfect, so absolutely loveable? Come on, a little honesty. You know, your aunt/uncle/cousin that you wish would emigrate anywhere as long as it is really far from you?

What should be primary in seeking a shidduch is the family that you hope to build, not the families already in existence. I am not, repeat not saying that family cannot be of importance to a newly married couple. But unless we are equating marriage with a governmentally run animal breeding program where an element of "eugenics" is part of the program, then could we please stop giving family so much emphasis in the shidduch process? Even with all the in-depth questions that get asked and all the investigating that gets done about the families, a couple gets married and there are still hostilities that develop, problems that arise, and people you are just plain never going to adore. That, too, is part of married life.