tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post7919243219687188127..comments2024-02-23T04:39:49.329-05:00Comments on Conversations in Klal: Navigating the In-law ShoalsProfKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17954446826821665314noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-77663182849976635402009-02-24T17:58:00.000-05:002009-02-24T17:58:00.000-05:00I'm anonymous 9:41 am. The comments about my d...I'm anonymous 9:41 am. The comments about my daughter's gluten-free diet came during a visit one Pesach. Before this visit I'd explained that my daughter could only eat gluten-free food, and my mother-in-law said, "I know all about it, I'm a medical professional" (she's a nurse). Also, because the husband of one her daughters eats non-gebrochts, everything was non-gebrochts anyways, so essentially everything was gluten-free, except for the matzah; we brought oat matzah for her. Nevertheless, throughout the visit there were constant complaints about how much trouble it was preparing food for my daughter, even though they _didn't_ prepare anything especially for her. And when I asked if one jar of jelly could be designated free of matza crumbs for her, they started making fun of me.<BR/><BR/>This was the last time we visited for pesach, and after a number of other incidents I've severely limited contact between them & my kids. My husband can, and does, visit them much more often.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-66482719212555530052009-02-24T00:29:00.000-05:002009-02-24T00:29:00.000-05:00and mocked me for feeding my daughter, who has cel...<I>and mocked me for feeding my daughter, who has celiac disease, a gluten-free diet.</I><BR/><BR/>I hope that during the rare times that your children see them, that you <B>never</B> leave your children alone with such people who potentially could be so harmful towards them!<BR/><BR/>MarkAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-27595910006167267112009-02-23T17:26:00.000-05:002009-02-23T17:26:00.000-05:00Anonymous 9:41 am,Wow. That sounds really, really ...Anonymous 9:41 am,<BR/><BR/>Wow. That sounds really, really awful. Mocking you for feeding a kid with Celiac disease a gluten free diet? Does she not know that gluten would make your daughter really, really sick? (I assume you've probably told her this, but how can someone be so ignorant as to not accept medical knowledge???) One of my housemates has Celiac, and so when we use things with gluten we have to be uber-careful about not contaminating things, so I have a pretty good idea of how serious the disease is. I'm sorry your in-laws are treating you this way and I'm sorry your husband isn't being supportive and asking his family to stop the criticisms.Knitter of shiny thingshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10495339297497300925noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-77882527493343946352009-02-23T16:22:00.000-05:002009-02-23T16:22:00.000-05:00while you are right that the focus should be on th...while you are right that the focus should be on the person and not the family, you have to remember that family cannot be ignored. my father-in-law has some severe control issues. i met my husband while i was in high school and knew him for two years before getting married- long enough for me to get to know him well enough to know that he was nothing like his father (he is a wonderful husband and father today :-)) that being said, my mother was concerned and kept a good eye on him while we were dating. his younger brother is now "in the parsha" and not surprisingly, the control issue is scaring away a lot of young women. true, maybe they should give him a chance to prove that he does not have issues (afterall, i just said that i gave my husband that chance, and am happily married- his brother, a sweet young man, deserves no less), at the same time, they are not wrong to be worried. true, you are marrying the person and not the in-laws, but you have to take a good look at the in-laws and make sure that whatever issues or dysfunctionalities they have, because the prospective spouse might have them too. but then again, even if the family is messed up, the individual certainly should be given the chance to prove that they came out ok...M2Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05462915792305524998noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-65786583326504097512009-02-23T09:41:00.000-05:002009-02-23T09:41:00.000-05:00Anonymous 9:09 am,It's definitely possible to ...Anonymous 9:09 am,<BR/><BR/>It's definitely possible to navigate in-law issues if your husband supports you. Unfortunately that's not always the case. My mother-in-law criticized me for immunizing my children (she told me the MMR vaccine would make my son autistic); lectured me, a mother of 4 children under 5, about the evils of artificial birth control; and mocked me for feeding my daughter, who has celiac disease, a gluten-free diet. My husband's sister told him that I did not love my children or believe in G-d, because I was working full-time to support my husband while he studied. Because my husband refused to ask them to stop these criticisms, my children & I rarely see most of his relatives anymore.<BR/><BR/>On the other hand, I have wonderful parents and siblings, and my siblings' spouses are kind & pleasant people. And I hope that my experiences will help me be a better mother-in-law.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-48448405797656254002009-02-23T09:09:00.000-05:002009-02-23T09:09:00.000-05:00I have the in-laws from hell. But I also got the h...I have the in-laws from hell. But I also got the husband from heaven. No it's not easy but it helps that my husband tells them to butt out and supports me 100%. Would I have done it if I had known just how bad his family could get? Yes, because my husband is what I was marrying not his family. But I was also not 19 when I got married and maybe at 26 I knew better what the emphasis should be when I was looking for a husband.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-67713666503409526382009-02-23T08:35:00.000-05:002009-02-23T08:35:00.000-05:00One point you didn't mention and I think is one of...One point you didn't mention and I think is one of the reasons why so much emphasis is put on families in the shidduch process today--Money. When young marrieds are being all or mostly supported by one or both families you have a situation where some families feel entitled to be "part" of that marriage. There are sometimes strings attached to any money given. Where only one family is supporting they may feel entitled to more time with the kids. I'm sure you've seen or heard of families where the person giving the money tells the kids what they can do with it or mixes in on all the decisions.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-22671335851765944702009-02-23T07:43:00.000-05:002009-02-23T07:43:00.000-05:00Excellent advice here. Only thing I'd add is that ...Excellent advice here. Only thing I'd add is that both the husband and the wife need to keep the family out of any arguments or disagreements they are having. If one spouse regularly reports back to mom and dad that can cause a disturbance in the marriage.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2096776708897685863.post-2681698497906009942009-02-23T07:04:00.000-05:002009-02-23T07:04:00.000-05:00ProfK hits the mark once again!Although the messag...ProfK hits the mark once again!<BR/>Although the message is: 'you marry the spouse not the parents-in-law', it is remarkable how often this perspective is honoured in the breach; if at all!<BR/>Anon613-LondonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com