Monday, September 22, 2008

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Not to go to the Dentist

Lion made a comment asking if I could please find something in a lighter vein to write about. My last "light" piece involved a chicken--me--and going to the dentist. I am in no way, shape or form going near the dentist again for a long time, but speaking of chickens....just for you Lion. And illustrates perfectly that old saw about being careful of what you wish for--you just might get it.

So why DID that chicken cross the road? The famous and infamous enlighten us.

Immanuel Kant : The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

RALPH NADER : Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

Karl Marx : It was a historical inevitability.

Pat Buchanan : To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.

Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

Carl Jung : The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Hamlet : Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of on coming vehicles...

Machiavelli : So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Sigmund Freud : The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich

Martin Luther King : It had a dream.

Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Dr. Seuss : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Robert Frost : To reach the sidewalk less travelled by.

Grandpa : In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

James Cagney: It crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

And for those who haven't groaned enough yet, or who really, really are avoiding work today, may I present that absolute necessity of necessities for those who truly wish to understand chickens.

Astrological Chickens
Zodiacal Influence on Chicken Crossing Behaviour
LEO (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunity to escape a normal, humdrum existence.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making the crossing a considerable risk to themselves and others.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world and a spirit which longs to be free.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.
ARIES (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Aries are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they are curious and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They have a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.


Anonymous said...

Noooooooooo, you promised, you swore in front of a whole room of students that you would never never tell another chicken joke again!!!

Lion of Zion said...

it could have a דבר תורה, a literary explication of a difficult passage in faulkner, why you love staten island, etc.

anything but more gloom and doom.

but i'll take humor as well.

(and btw, after reading your original post and remembering that i am overdue for the dentist . . . last night i had to run to him for an emergency visit. sigh.)

Anonymous said...

Problems of the aging and chicken jokes both on one day. I guess maybe that's why I like your blog--you aren't very predictable. Never know what is going to pop up here.

Is telling chicken jokes some kind of new classroom tool? More important, does it work to do whatever it is supposed to do?

ProfK said...

The posts on the aging members of Klal were not meant as doom and gloom warnings but as more of a wake up call that we are ignoring an important element in any plan that Klal makes in discussing tuition or other financial matters. Otherwise it's like discussing a wedding but only talking about the cost of the hall and ignoring all the other costs that are going to be there.

I had assigned a reading for class which it was clear that most students had not done. There was no way to have a class discussion when they hadn't done the readings. So I went to the computer, downloaded every "groan" joke I could find and started reading them aloud. Then I asked the class to analyze them using the tools they would have used on the assigned reading, and made them put the analysis into writing. I'll tell you this much, for the next class EVERY student had done the reading and I think that at least half of them had memorized the chapters.

If you think back a little more, I only made that promise if every student would do every assignment for the rest of the term. A few of your classmates reneged on their end of the deal so I'm patur from my promise.