Yes, a dreary, rainy day; yet, my mood is quite sunny. I've just spent a few moments reviewing class notes for a lesson for tonight, and I'm smiling all the way. We are studying the effect that words can have when they go forth. Yes, some of the items we'll be looking at are quite serious and had incredible effects on those who heard the words spoken or who read the words written. But I also point out that words can add a bit of lightness to our lives as well. To illustrate, I am using a comedic routine that originated back in the late 40s, early 50s, first presented by the comedy team of Abbot and Costello. This routine had everyone in stitches back then, and still causes laughter today.
To brighten your day--and to answer the question of "Who's on First?"-- head on over to the link below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfmvkO5x6Ng
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Paraprosdokians to Lighten the Day
Thanks to one of my fellow teachers who sent this my way via email. Ahhh, when those who practice the craft of English practice it well.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
===================
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research...
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.......
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies.... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I said "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
===================
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research...
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.......
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies.... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I said "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Surely of Importance Now
In case any of you are wondering how you're going to fill your day today, having all that free time and nothing to do, someone, somewhere, has given you a perfect activity. Today is "Hug a Vegetarian Day." So go ahead, find a vegetarian and hug the dickens out of him/her. And when they scream for help loudly be sure to remind them that these special calendar days are part of our cultural uniqueness and tell them to just stand there quietly and get hugged. At least it beats getting mugged, sort of.
Did a little checking and there is no "Hug a Non-Vegetarian Day." I'm truly miffed. My civil rights are being violated. Time for a complaint to the Equal Opportunity Commission. How dare someone establish a day I can't participate in.
Did a little checking and there is no "Hug a Non-Vegetarian Day." I'm truly miffed. My civil rights are being violated. Time for a complaint to the Equal Opportunity Commission. How dare someone establish a day I can't participate in.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Yup, It's English
Thanks to one of my colleagues who sent me an email in which the following was present. Sometimes a new language invention catches the ear and tickles the funny bone. Either that or I have to start getting out more this summer.
"Supermarkets are becoming concerned about the effect of all those plastic shopping bags on the environment. Some of them offer a choice of either paper bags or the plastic bags. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.""
"Supermarkets are becoming concerned about the effect of all those plastic shopping bags on the environment. Some of them offer a choice of either paper bags or the plastic bags. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.""
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
As if doing laundry was not already complicated enough
I have only put something up on the blog twice before that came to me via email. After reading the following, I decided it was worth sharing. (And thanks to my boss for sending this to me.) Some will laugh at the content. And some will wonder if this is not the road that a whole lot of people are already traveling on. You decide.
[Note: there was no actual author credited with the following. If anyone knows who did write it, and that person is not trying to stay anonymous, please let me know.]
The following is being reported exclusively by the Torah True Times.
The Vaad Ha Tznius has just issued the following guidelines regarding laundry.It has come to our attention that many families, including those who pride themselves on following all aspects of halacha, are regularly not conforming to proper Tznius guidelines. Unbelievably, many, many families are washing men's and women's clothing together at the same time in the same washing machine. This is an unprecedented breach of Tznius.!!! How could anyone think that one is allowed to wash men's and women's undergarments at the same time in the same washing load?!!! What has our nation come to when people have fallen to such a low level? For shame!!! This practice must stop!!!!Given this we are issuing the following guidelines regarding the doing of laundry.
1. Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers - one washing machine and one dryer should be used exclusively for men's clothing and the other washing machine and dryer should be used exclusively for women's clothing.
2. In the event that a family cannot afford to have two washing machines and two dryers, the following rules should be adhered to.
a. Under no circumstances should men's clothes be in the same machine as women's clothing. They should, of course, also be dried separately.
b. After doing a load of men's clothing, one should run the washing machine through a complete cycle without any clothes in it. Then one may wash women's clothing in this machine. The same procedure should, of course, be followed after washing a load of women's clothing, namely, run a complete cycle without any clothes in the machine. Then one may wash men's clothing in the machine.
c. After drying a load of men's clothing the dryer should be allowed to cool off completely. After this, one may use the dryer for drying women's clothes. The same applies after drying a load of women's clothing before using the dryer for men's clothing. It is not enough to let the dryer cool below Yad So Ledas Bo. The dryer must be completely cooled off.
Our forefathers lived in a land that was between two rivers - the Tigris and the Euphrates. The reason is obvious to anyone who thinks into it a bit. One river was used to wash women's clothing and the other to wash men's clothing. Surely we can continue this tradition by observing the rules stated above.We are confident that everyone who takes Yahadus seriously will abide by the guidelines stated above.
With Torah greetings, The Vaad Ha Tznius
[Note: there was no actual author credited with the following. If anyone knows who did write it, and that person is not trying to stay anonymous, please let me know.]
The following is being reported exclusively by the Torah True Times.
The Vaad Ha Tznius has just issued the following guidelines regarding laundry.It has come to our attention that many families, including those who pride themselves on following all aspects of halacha, are regularly not conforming to proper Tznius guidelines. Unbelievably, many, many families are washing men's and women's clothing together at the same time in the same washing machine. This is an unprecedented breach of Tznius.!!! How could anyone think that one is allowed to wash men's and women's undergarments at the same time in the same washing load?!!! What has our nation come to when people have fallen to such a low level? For shame!!! This practice must stop!!!!Given this we are issuing the following guidelines regarding the doing of laundry.
1. Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers - one washing machine and one dryer should be used exclusively for men's clothing and the other washing machine and dryer should be used exclusively for women's clothing.
2. In the event that a family cannot afford to have two washing machines and two dryers, the following rules should be adhered to.
a. Under no circumstances should men's clothes be in the same machine as women's clothing. They should, of course, also be dried separately.
b. After doing a load of men's clothing, one should run the washing machine through a complete cycle without any clothes in it. Then one may wash women's clothing in this machine. The same procedure should, of course, be followed after washing a load of women's clothing, namely, run a complete cycle without any clothes in the machine. Then one may wash men's clothing in the machine.
c. After drying a load of men's clothing the dryer should be allowed to cool off completely. After this, one may use the dryer for drying women's clothes. The same applies after drying a load of women's clothing before using the dryer for men's clothing. It is not enough to let the dryer cool below Yad So Ledas Bo. The dryer must be completely cooled off.
Our forefathers lived in a land that was between two rivers - the Tigris and the Euphrates. The reason is obvious to anyone who thinks into it a bit. One river was used to wash women's clothing and the other to wash men's clothing. Surely we can continue this tradition by observing the rules stated above.We are confident that everyone who takes Yahadus seriously will abide by the guidelines stated above.
With Torah greetings, The Vaad Ha Tznius
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth
Back on March 12 I had a posting up about social white lies. It was my opinion then that even most of these white lies can backfire on you, and the best path to take is to tell the truth. Just now I received the following via email, and I do believe it makes my point for me.
THE WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for fund raising events:
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Ladies' Auxiliary in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for school.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is no time to bake another cake!"
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the bake sale and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a nearby neighbor and try to have a good time.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a newcomer and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert; Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent member of the community) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself.."Alice smiled and thought to herself, "G-d is good."
THE WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for fund raising events:
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Ladies' Auxiliary in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for school.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is no time to bake another cake!"
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the bake sale and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a nearby neighbor and try to have a good time.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a newcomer and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert; Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent member of the community) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself.."Alice smiled and thought to herself, "G-d is good."
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Definitely not the Stork
A major snow storm, no school and a bit of free time to to sit and shmooz on the phone with friends. A friend who still lives in the area was reminiscing with me about the old Far Rockaway, the one that existed before I got married. In going through some of our favorite shared memories she reminded me of one story that had us rolling back then and that still gives us a chuckle now.
NYC was hit by a major snow storm (sound familiar?). Somehow the area from Beach 9th to Reads Lane never got plowed until at least a day after any storm, and this time was no different. Everyone was outside trying to dig out their cars. Suddenly a man was seen running up to one of the garbage truck/plows that was on Beach 9th, waving his hands frantically. In a second the truck had turned around and was following the man down the street, plowing as it went.
The story? A woman went into labor and could not drive to the hospital because of the snow, so she and her husband started walking towards a main street. She managed to get as far as the house of the Rav of the White Shule and could go no further. She delivered in the Rav's house. But she and the baby needed to get to the hospital. The garbage truck managed to get down the Rav's street and the driver bundled up the new mother and baby and put them into the cab of the garbage truck and took them to the hospital. Okay, an unusual enough development in the giving birth story. But the best was yet to be.
Apparently babies who were not born within the sterile confines of a hospital delivery room were isolated from those born in the hospital. The records had to indicate the circumstances of their birth. The local newspaper printed an entry from the new baby's hospital record (twas the days before HIPAA). The hospital record clearly stated: "Delivered by garbage truck." Gee, most people had to settle for being delivered by an obstetrician.
It's items like this that remind me that it's not just my students who occasionally twist the English language into strange shapes and amazing statements.
NYC was hit by a major snow storm (sound familiar?). Somehow the area from Beach 9th to Reads Lane never got plowed until at least a day after any storm, and this time was no different. Everyone was outside trying to dig out their cars. Suddenly a man was seen running up to one of the garbage truck/plows that was on Beach 9th, waving his hands frantically. In a second the truck had turned around and was following the man down the street, plowing as it went.
The story? A woman went into labor and could not drive to the hospital because of the snow, so she and her husband started walking towards a main street. She managed to get as far as the house of the Rav of the White Shule and could go no further. She delivered in the Rav's house. But she and the baby needed to get to the hospital. The garbage truck managed to get down the Rav's street and the driver bundled up the new mother and baby and put them into the cab of the garbage truck and took them to the hospital. Okay, an unusual enough development in the giving birth story. But the best was yet to be.
Apparently babies who were not born within the sterile confines of a hospital delivery room were isolated from those born in the hospital. The records had to indicate the circumstances of their birth. The local newspaper printed an entry from the new baby's hospital record (twas the days before HIPAA). The hospital record clearly stated: "Delivered by garbage truck." Gee, most people had to settle for being delivered by an obstetrician.
It's items like this that remind me that it's not just my students who occasionally twist the English language into strange shapes and amazing statements.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The Nose Knows
Parents are permitted to kvell about their children all the time. Well, teachers are allowed to kvell about their students as well, even about their ex-students. Want to read something bright and witty and sure to shake you out of a case of the dismals? Please go on over to bad4shidduchim http://badforshidduchim.wordpress.com/ and read her "Celestial Practical Joke."
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Let a Smile be your Umbrella
Okay, if no one else will try and cheer me up, and knock knock jokes don't seem to be doing it for the rest of you, let's try the following.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why she was using such a big password,
she said that she was told it had to be at least 8 characters long.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why she was using such a big password,
she said that she was told it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Groan Along With Me
There is plenty going on in the world to cause us to groan mightily. A friend decided that she had had enough with groaning about world events and what is going on in Klal, so she sent me the following link. Her instructions? If we're going to groan let there at least be some humor in that groaning.
I present for your groaning delight the world's best knock knock jokes.
Just as a sample to prime that groaning:
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Delores.
Delores who?
Delores my shepherd.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.
http://www.best-knock-knock-jokes.com/
I present for your groaning delight the world's best knock knock jokes.
Just as a sample to prime that groaning:
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Delores.
Delores who?
Delores my shepherd.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.
http://www.best-knock-knock-jokes.com/
Sunday, December 6, 2009
It's a Dog's Life
If you think that Jewish life has been going to the dogs, you're going to love the posting that Ezzie has up about the Jews of Montana.
http://serandez.blogspot.com/
http://serandez.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
PUNishment---groan!
Thanks to my daughter for mailing these to me. They added a little lightness to a day over-packed with things to do.
1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
6. The batteries were given out free of charge.
7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.
8. A will is a dead give-away.
9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.
11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
13. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.
15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.
17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.
18. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she would dye.
1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
6. The batteries were given out free of charge.
7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.
8. A will is a dead give-away.
9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.
11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
13. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.
15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.
17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.
18. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she would dye.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
If You're Missing Having a Holiday
Lots of people who felt a real letdown after Sukkot was over. Suddenly we were faced with a huge swathe of time until our next holiday. Even those for whom Thanksgiving works as a celebratory day felt bereft with nothing coming sooner. For those of you who need a "special" day to look forward to, I offer the following, all celebrated in the month of November. If you want to see the full range of special days and weeks November contains or special month-long celebrations, please go to http://www.brownielocks.com/NOVEMBER2009.html
1--Zero Tasking Day
2--Plan Your Epitaph Day
3--Sandwich Day
4--Use Your Common Sense Day
5--National Men Make Dinner Day
7--International Tongue Twister Day
10--Area Code Day
13--World Kindness Day
14--National American Teddy Bear Day
15--America Recycles Day
17--Homemade Bread Day
19--World Toilet Day
20--Name Your PC Day
27--Buy Nothing Day
29--Electronic Greetings Day
I'm also particularly taken with National Teens Don't Text and Drive Week (22-28) and Pursuit of Happiness Week (8-14). And how can you not love a month that dedicates a month-long celebration for each of the following: Sweet Potatoes, Peanut Butter, Georgia Pecans, and Pomegranates. A star to the first reader that can devise a recipe (edible by humans please) that uses all four ingredients in one dish.
There, now wasn't that better than a rant or a deep philosophical discussion on some esoteric aspect of the human condition?
1--Zero Tasking Day
2--Plan Your Epitaph Day
3--Sandwich Day
4--Use Your Common Sense Day
5--National Men Make Dinner Day
7--International Tongue Twister Day
10--Area Code Day
13--World Kindness Day
14--National American Teddy Bear Day
15--America Recycles Day
17--Homemade Bread Day
19--World Toilet Day
20--Name Your PC Day
27--Buy Nothing Day
29--Electronic Greetings Day
I'm also particularly taken with National Teens Don't Text and Drive Week (22-28) and Pursuit of Happiness Week (8-14). And how can you not love a month that dedicates a month-long celebration for each of the following: Sweet Potatoes, Peanut Butter, Georgia Pecans, and Pomegranates. A star to the first reader that can devise a recipe (edible by humans please) that uses all four ingredients in one dish.
There, now wasn't that better than a rant or a deep philosophical discussion on some esoteric aspect of the human condition?
Monday, October 19, 2009
That's English for You
Thanks to my sister for calling this to my attention. I decided to save it for after yom tov was over. Most of these are just too good to miss. A few are just that bit over the line, but I'll let you be your own censors.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
7. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid
ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
7. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid
ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Word Play for Groan-ups
Thanks to one of my colleagues for sending the following to me. A few you may have heard or read before, but most are new verbal bullets, sure to cause groaning when they hit. Didn't you know that groaning is very good for you healthwise? Groaning on a regular basis can prevent the accumulation of gaseous fumes in the intestines (there's a reason there is a PU in the word pun), as well as stimulating the cerebral cortex. Enjoy!
CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
On Humor
Have you ever gotten an email from someone you know passing along a "funny" story and not finding it funny in the least? Or have you ever been in a social situation where someone starts out with "This is so hilarious....," tells a story or a joke, and you find yourself wondering what could have made this person think the story was funny or appropriate? I would imagine that most blondes are sick and tired of blonde jokes, and most lawyers won't see the humor in lawyer jokes. I also would imagine that most men would not see the humor in some of the "husband" jokes that pass around, and that most women wouldn't be amused by the "wife" jokes that are out there. Prior to the national elections I was getting a lot of emails that were marked HILARIOUS in the subject line and that I found not at all funny, there being an assumption that since I know the sender I must also have the same political stance that he/she does--I didn't.
Why bring this up? A blog that I not only read regularly but enjoy had a particular title on a recent posting. I was not the only Staten Islander to respond to that title in a negative vein. In point of fact, the title miffed me greatly. We Staten Islanders have been dumped on by the rest of the City far too many times to see any humor in that dumping. Which brings me to the point of this posting. Humor is not universal in nature. What will be considered funny depends on many factors. Humor can be generational, can be gender-based, can be geographic, can be culturally determined, etc., etc. and so forth. I'm fairly certain that no one has yet to create a joke that will be universally appreciated, regardless of who you are and where you are and what you are.
The blogger on the site that had the title that miffed me responded by telling his readers that it was a JOKE--why were we all getting so bent out of shape?! Well you see, some of us didn't see the title as a joke; there was nothing of humor in it. I tell my students that when they are writing and speaking they need to keep this in mind: what does my audience need/want to hear, all of my audience?
If you're going to pass along a joke email--or write a "funny" title--you need to step away from that email for a minute and ask yourself will the reader, given the reader's life and circumstances, find the email funny? Is it possible that some of the people I'm going to send the email to will take offence? If there is any doubt on your part, don't send the email.
Note: Our President gave me another perfect example of how you realllllly need to watch out when you are saying something "funny," and ask how ALL members of the listening audience might respond. His comment linking his bowling skills and the Special Olympics, far from being seen as wry or humorous, hit large parts of his audience as offensive. Let the speaker/writer be wary.
Why bring this up? A blog that I not only read regularly but enjoy had a particular title on a recent posting. I was not the only Staten Islander to respond to that title in a negative vein. In point of fact, the title miffed me greatly. We Staten Islanders have been dumped on by the rest of the City far too many times to see any humor in that dumping. Which brings me to the point of this posting. Humor is not universal in nature. What will be considered funny depends on many factors. Humor can be generational, can be gender-based, can be geographic, can be culturally determined, etc., etc. and so forth. I'm fairly certain that no one has yet to create a joke that will be universally appreciated, regardless of who you are and where you are and what you are.
The blogger on the site that had the title that miffed me responded by telling his readers that it was a JOKE--why were we all getting so bent out of shape?! Well you see, some of us didn't see the title as a joke; there was nothing of humor in it. I tell my students that when they are writing and speaking they need to keep this in mind: what does my audience need/want to hear, all of my audience?
If you're going to pass along a joke email--or write a "funny" title--you need to step away from that email for a minute and ask yourself will the reader, given the reader's life and circumstances, find the email funny? Is it possible that some of the people I'm going to send the email to will take offence? If there is any doubt on your part, don't send the email.
Note: Our President gave me another perfect example of how you realllllly need to watch out when you are saying something "funny," and ask how ALL members of the listening audience might respond. His comment linking his bowling skills and the Special Olympics, far from being seen as wry or humorous, hit large parts of his audience as offensive. Let the speaker/writer be wary.
Monday, February 23, 2009
A Joke, Maybe
This arrived in an email sent to me today. I haven't yet decided whether it is funny or sad or both.
Dear bank,
One of my checks was returned to me marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments, does that refer to me or to you?
Dear bank,
One of my checks was returned to me marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments, does that refer to me or to you?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Not the Bates Motel, a Roach Motel.
In case you are wondering about the rash of reading posts, I've begun my Pesach cleaning and I'm giving myself sanity breaks to scroll around online and see what there might be of interest.
I accidentally came across a site called instructables.com, and on this site I found an article on how to raise cockroaches intentionally, with step by step instructions and fully illustrated. As the article says, it's intention is to give "simple instructions on how to make a happy habitat for cockroaches to thrive." Until I found this article I had no idea that roaches needed happy habitats, or that roach thriving was a positive social virtue. You learn something new every day.
And being just a tad woozy on bleach fumes, I had an "Aha!" moment on how this discovery linked to my posting on Shidduch dating in NY. Clearly, many New Yorkers believe that NY is the center of the known world. There is nothing that you desire that cannot be gotten in NY, and in larger and better quantity than anywhere else. I will concede that those making this statement are correct, when it comes to cockroaches. Until I came to NY I had never seen a cockroach; imagine what I was missing in my life. If the author of this article wants to really know how to raise thriving cockroaches she should ask a New Yorker; they do an incredible job of raising roaches here. Why, you can find those roaches in the finest of dining establishments and the poshest of hotels. What city residence is considered complete without at least one mating pair of roaches? Oh yes, and yet another reason to consider Staten Island as out of town rather than a bonafide part of New York City: roaches are a relative rarity in the borough. We get other types of livestock, but roaches clearly don't prefer to live in this borough despite the many advantages it offers.
Roach capital of the tri-state area: This is one encomium I'm just as happy that Oregon never aspired to.
I accidentally came across a site called instructables.com, and on this site I found an article on how to raise cockroaches intentionally, with step by step instructions and fully illustrated. As the article says, it's intention is to give "simple instructions on how to make a happy habitat for cockroaches to thrive." Until I found this article I had no idea that roaches needed happy habitats, or that roach thriving was a positive social virtue. You learn something new every day.
And being just a tad woozy on bleach fumes, I had an "Aha!" moment on how this discovery linked to my posting on Shidduch dating in NY. Clearly, many New Yorkers believe that NY is the center of the known world. There is nothing that you desire that cannot be gotten in NY, and in larger and better quantity than anywhere else. I will concede that those making this statement are correct, when it comes to cockroaches. Until I came to NY I had never seen a cockroach; imagine what I was missing in my life. If the author of this article wants to really know how to raise thriving cockroaches she should ask a New Yorker; they do an incredible job of raising roaches here. Why, you can find those roaches in the finest of dining establishments and the poshest of hotels. What city residence is considered complete without at least one mating pair of roaches? Oh yes, and yet another reason to consider Staten Island as out of town rather than a bonafide part of New York City: roaches are a relative rarity in the borough. We get other types of livestock, but roaches clearly don't prefer to live in this borough despite the many advantages it offers.
Roach capital of the tri-state area: This is one encomium I'm just as happy that Oregon never aspired to.
There is reading matter and then there is READING MATTER
I devour the printed word and it's sometimes hard to keep myself in reading matter. Because of this I have been known to read some rather strange works, at least in retrospect. Others have sometimes lent me reading matter that was also a bit unusual. But I'm giving the prize for Strangest Publication to Make It Into Print and Remain There For More Than One Issue to the one highlighted in The Rebbetzin's Husband's latest offering. I've just spent a few odd moments trying to come up with a profile for a dedicated reader for that publication, and I'll admit I'm stumped. Take a look at Backyard Poultry at http://rechovot.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Now I Really Have Seen It All
I was doing some surfing on the web to get some ideas for decorations to use on Purim. I stumbled across a website that sells all kinds of holiday products, both secular and Jewish. And then I found this: a Purim t-shirt for dogs. Yes, you read that correctly. http://pets.cafepress.com/item/purim-dog-tshirt/104225672 You will be overjoyed to know that the t-shirt is made in the USA. Certainly a foreign-made t-shirt would be highly upsetting to your dog, and would surely ruin the simcha of Purim. And in case you were wondering as to why this product is a necessity, the site says:
Product Details
Put your pooch in his own cool doggie t-shirt from American Apparel. He’ll be the envy of all the pups in the park. Let him wear a doggie-cool design so he can express what he’d like to bark out loud. Do it up in doggie style!
Made of 100% ring spun cotton. 5.8oz. 1x1 rib.
Black ringer accent on sleeves and collar.
Five sizes to choose from. Please review our size charts to find the perfect size for your pooch.
You'll also be happy to note that the product is in stock and will only cost you $21.99, shipping extra. In case you don't like the pictures on this particular t-shirt, scroll around the site; there are other pictures and sayings also available in doggie t-shirts. Never let it be said that I didn't keep you up to date on the latest must haves if you are celebrating Purim.
Product Details
Put your pooch in his own cool doggie t-shirt from American Apparel. He’ll be the envy of all the pups in the park. Let him wear a doggie-cool design so he can express what he’d like to bark out loud. Do it up in doggie style!
Made of 100% ring spun cotton. 5.8oz. 1x1 rib.
Black ringer accent on sleeves and collar.
Five sizes to choose from. Please review our size charts to find the perfect size for your pooch.
You'll also be happy to note that the product is in stock and will only cost you $21.99, shipping extra. In case you don't like the pictures on this particular t-shirt, scroll around the site; there are other pictures and sayings also available in doggie t-shirts. Never let it be said that I didn't keep you up to date on the latest must haves if you are celebrating Purim.
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