Thursday, April 10, 2008

18 Things to do to Avoid Cleaning for Pesach

From what I've been reading around the blogosphere, there are some people who would rather chew nails then clean for Pesach. That is certainly one option. Here, then, some things to do that will occupy you so that you have no time to clean.

1. Chew nails--hey, I told you it was an option.

2. Find all your children's report cards going back to kindergarten. Read them carefully, allowing time for weeping and laughing. Scan the cards into your computer. Make a file for each child. Make copies of the files and send to your children, so they too can laugh and cry.

3. Try on every single outfit you own--every one, no matter how old--and decide which outfits leave and which ones stay. Use a full length mirror. Make sure you are eliminating at least one outfit because of what follows.

4. Make an emergency shopping trip, because you now have "nothing" in your closet to wear.

5. Having kept at least one outfit in navy blue, sit down at your computer and write complaint letters to every stocking manufacturer you can locate on the Internet complaining that no one makes navy pantyhose anymore.

6. Being just that tiniest bit wound up too tightly, take the entire pile of your husband's undershirts and take a book, any book. If you can clearly read the print in the book through the shirt, rip up the shirt. Rip hard. Use scissors. Amazing how the aggression dissolves. It also leaves you with an excellent pile of shmattes to use for the dreaded C word.

7. Take all those gloves that have no mates, cut off the fingers and make finger puppets for all the young children you know. This may necessitate a trip to a craft store. Maybe even two stores, which is even better. If you use a rubber glove you have worn out cleaning you can tell the kids that the puppet is wearing a rain coat.

8. Sit down with that great pile of unmatched socks that has been growing over the year. Take your children, yarn, magic markers and any odds and ends you can think of and make sock puppets. Place puppets into a bag and hold for Pesach. Should children become bored or restless at any time on Pesach, hand them a puppet to babysit.

9. Decide that the blue handle on your broom does not match your decor. Go shopping at Home Depot or Lowe's for metallic paint in a color to match your house and paint your broom handle. If you are really desperate to avoid cleaning, paint your mop handle as well. It should take at least 24 hours for the paint to cure, meaning you have no broom and no mop and can't possibly clean.

10. You know that book that you have always meant to read but never did? Like War and Peace? Or 300 Ways to Use Tuna fish? Now would be an ideal time to educate yourself.

11. Schedule a dentist's appointment for this week. Somehow, sitting in the dentist's chair makes cleaning far more appealing.

12. Make all your pre-yom tov calls to family and friends today. This way you can actually spend some time talking. No call should last less than 10 minutes.

13. Sit and play the "What If" game. What if you had all the money in the world and could buy any house you wanted to? What would it look like? Design the kitchen in that house right down to the knobs on the drawers and this activity should take you through at least next Pesach.

14. Go through all of your picture albums, putting the pictures into correct chronological order. Trying to figure out who the man standing next to your Uncle Moishe is at the sheva brochas in your Tante Malka's house might take the better part of a day. You might actually have to take a trip to Tante Malka's house taking the picture with you, but hey, she needs a break too.

15. Decide to knit/crochet a baby blanket for your nephew Chaim's wife's sister who is expecting a baby Rosh Hashanah time. This requires a trip to a yarn store to compare colors and prices of yarn. Don't hurry over selecting the yarn; the decision is too important to make quickly. Go home and think about your choices and then first return to the store to get the decided upon yarn. If you are lucky they will have sold out of the yarn you want and you will need to go through the decision making process all over again.

16. Take that pile of advertising circulars that you have been saving to look at "some day" and go through and carefully clip every coupon. Only after clipping all of them may you look at the expiration dates. That most of them will already have expired or been for things you don't use is besides the point. Clipping is not cleaning.

17. You know you want to join a gym; you know you need to join a gym. Go and comparison shop what each gym offers. Take advantage of their introductory free first session. If you hit enough gyms in one day, you will be so charlie-horsed that getting up your front steps will be enough of a challenge, never mind cleaning.

18. Sit down and read through a blog. Read through every blog you can find. Read all the archives. Avoid those blogs that give you tips on how to clean

Men who might otherwise get pressed into service helping with the cleaning also have many things to choose from that will keep them too busy to help. They can always attend a shiur, attend more than one shiur on what needs to be cleaned for Pesach. They can begin a new sefer to learn. They can alphabetize all the receipts they are saving for tax purposes. They can organize their tools according to size/color. They can comparison shop for which garage will give them the best price/service for their next oil change on the car.

The possibilities for procrastinating are endless. These are only a few to get you started.


Anonymous said...

Are you using writing on your blog to avoid cleaning? Because if you aren't you must be way ahead of me given the number of postings this week. Of course if you weren't posting what would I have to use to avoid the cleaning with,although your suggestion #9 sounds like fun.

Bas~Melech said...

LOL, this could go on forever... unfortunately, time is running out...

(BTW, unknowing observers, ProfK had to shadow me for weeks in order to compile this extensive description)

Bas~Melech said...

(OK, OK, just kidding. I'm not that creative -- I just read blogs when I have yucky stuff to do.)