Sunday, March 23, 2008


Special Report to the New York Times. A Staten Island housewife has joined the ranks of the scientific elite, having been nominated for a Nobel Prize in Physics. Her ground-breaking work has exploded the long held belief in the Quantum Sock Theory.

The theory, supported by scientists and lay people alike, posits that if 12 socks are put into a dryer, only 10 will come out of the dryer. Furthermore, if two socks disappear, they will never be both halves of one pair; only mismatched socks will disappear. This led researchers in the field of Quantum Metabolism to establish that dryers ran not only on electricity or gas but also required the regular ingestion of fabric for optimum performance. So rock solid was the scientific evidence, garnered over many years and with millions of experiments, that the Quantum Sock Theory has been held to be the only scientific theory that would never be challenged.

Until today. ProfK, the newest light in the scientific milieu, told this reporter how it all happened. Her dryer succumbed to old age and pre-Pesach anxiety on Saturday night. Unlike every other owner of a dryer that has died, who puts out the dryer for burial in a landfill, ProfK and her husband decided to do an autopsy on their dryer. Yes, an autopsy, unprecedented in dryer-death history. "I was hoping to get back the zillions of socks the machine had eaten," Prof K stated. But what did they find when they disemboweled the machine? "We found nothing, absolutely nothing!" ProfK noted that not even any threads were seen in the dark recesses of the dryer.

Dr. Raymond Montgomery of MIT was amazed at the discovery. "If the dryers were really eating all the socks that disappear there would be residue in their bowels, " Dr. Montgomery opined. "Since no residue was found, the Quantum Sock Theory must be in error." Dr. Saldovar de Guzman of Stanford was one of the few scientists not shocked or amazed by ProfK's discovery. "I have been a lone voice in the scientific community for years now in saying that dryers have no digestive systems. Were they truly to have been eating socks, they would have died of esophageal blockage early in their lives."

While we congratulate ProfK on her amazing discovery, we also need to ask the important question: "If dryers don't eat socks, then what happens to the ones which go missing?" Already a research team in Xadong Province, China, has come forth with a theory to replace the tarnished Quantum Sock Theory. Xan Wu Dong, lead researcher, reports that his team has found traces of finely particled nuclear waste inside the dryers they have been testing. "Such particles," stated Dr. Xan, "are indicative of the type of particle normally found in long range radioactive waves. Chinese science has long held that it is not dryers which eat socks, but aliens from outer space. The presence of radioactive particles only otherwise seen in deep outer space confirms what we have always known."

So there you have it--scientific fact you can take to the bank. Dryers don't eat socks; aliens do. Beam 'em up, Scottie!


Anonymous said...

Prof K., I am afraid you are confused. it is the washer that eats the socks.

ProfK said...

My washer is a gourmand--it only eats sweaters and shirts. It considers socks as fast food and won't touch them.

Anonymous said...

We discovered driers do not like to eat metal, so if you pin two socks together with a safety pin, then driers will not ingest them.

Orthonomics said...

Cute press release!
Little sock story of my own: we made a shidduch recently. One bright pink sock lost its match months and months ago and we (actually I) had looked everywhere. Around the dryers, in the goodwill pile, all around the bedrooms rooms. So one day it just shows up next to the laundry basket like it had always been there.

Anonymous said...

Mike--you are mixing up the process a little. Washing machines chew on the socks to soften them up so the dryer can eat them easier. Or whatever actually eats the socks after they leave the dryer.