Thursday, January 10, 2008

Changing Shidduch Making--What's Your Color?

I have been toying with a number of ideas about how to change the way shidduchim are made today. While dusting the bookshelves I ran across the work "What's Your Color?" Not so long ago the fad was for defining yourself through the use of color. If you were a "winter" person then you were to wear certain colors; if you were a "summer" person then you were to wear other colors. And then it hit me--here was the solution that would solve all shidduch problems!

From now on all singles in Klal Yisroel are going to use color to let the world know who they are and what they want. Not only will communication become clearer, but this will have the added plus that singles won't have to talk to anyone--not a shadchan and not even their dates. They will only need to point, in case anyone should have missed the visual cues.

The Binney & Smith people who bring us Crayola brand crayons have made this easy for us. We only need to adapt their color shades and names for our purposes. So how will this work?

Boys will be required to wear color-coded kipot and neckties. Girls will be required to all wear color coded headbands and nail polish. In addition to each color's having a specific meaning as regards shidduchim, there will also be patterns in which colors can be mixed. Stripes will signify one thing, while plaids or paisley will signify another. The choice of fabric will also be significant; velvet will tell you one thing, silk another. Also coming into play will be items such as embroidery, sequins and beading.

Let me give you some examples of how this would work. A black kipoh would be used for married men only. Men who are engaged to be married will wear black kipot with a red stop sign embroidered on them. No more having to guess while staring over the mechitza at a wedding as to who is or isn't taken.

A light green kipoh will be worn by boys who are not married, who are looking and who will require support. A dark green kipoh will signify they are looking for mega-support. After all, green is the color of money. A number embroidered on the kipoh in pure gold thread will signify how many years of support are being looked for. If no number appears, then support will be for a lifetime.

Pink will signify boys who are not yet in the shidduch parsha. If the pink kipoh also has a white band around it it will signify that the boy is open to getting into shidduchim if you make him an offer he can't refuse. Yellow will signify the boys who are in yeshiva but are not so sure about how long that is going to last. Dark blue will signify boys who are in college but only at night; they are either learning or earning during the day. Light blue will be used for boys who are in graduate school. Thus, boys who wear a plaid kipoh consisting of pink,white, yellow, light blue, dark blue and dark green are those who are at present in college and yeshiva, will be going on to graduate school, are not already in shidduchim but would get in if they get promised sufficient support. If the same colors are in a paisley print then the facts remain the same except that the boy's father will do the supporting.

The colors on neckties would clearly announce personality and personal convictions. A solid black necktie would signify that the wearer will live absolutely nowhere but Brooklyn. A small orange stripe on the tie would signify that in a pinch they would consider Lakewood. A white border on the black tie would signify that the wearer only wants Brooklyn but might be open to other suggestions. A smiley face embroidered on the bottom of the tie would indicate that the wearer likes kids and has done chesed work with them. Trickier to distinguish would be the small black box embroidered on the back of the tie, hidden in the lining, that signifies that the wearer will have the Internet in their future home. Only a few boys will have this embroidery on the front of the tie where everyone can see it.

All singles will carry a specialized scanner that can be aimed at a likely looking suspect and which will immediately read the colors and details and show you a readout of how well the other person matches to what you want.

The possibilities are endless. There is virtually no information that could not be encoded using color, shade, fabric, design and embellishment. And the same goes for the girls' headbands and nail polish. Just think: no more dating. Everything you need to know about a person will be right out there for all to see. And yes, there will be no need for shadchanim any longer. Your scanner will talk to his scanner via WiFi and things will be settled in a nanosecond.
If your colors match his colors then it's off to the chupa you go, hi ho, hi ho.

What have we got to lose by trying this? Anyone else have a better suggestion? I thought not.


G said...

Sounds like the future has arrived...

Shidduchim. Orthodox. A process barely alive.

ProfK: "Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic shadchan. I will be that shadchan. Better than it was before. Better ... stronger ... faster."

--as time goes by I begin to more fully appreciate the re-runs that my older brothers made me watch.

Anonymous said...

I don't wear headbands or nailpolish. Can I wear a color coded ribbon instead?

Anonymous said...

I do have a better idea. The colors could get garish and are sooo 20th century. Now they're starting to put barcodes on things and you photograph it with your cell phone and text a number and it tells you information about it. Why not just barcode all of us?

ProfK said...

Mixing the reruns, but you forgot to add able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

The sartorial police only allow ribbons for illegal aliens. You'll just have to knuckle under and wear the hairband.

I thought about the bar code idea but decided that it was just too impersonal--at least color adds some oomph to what are black and white business propositions. As to the 20th century, the whole shidduch process today is so 13th century that actually getting to the 20th century would be an improvement.

Anonymous said...

What if someone is wearing an all green outfit? What's that supposed to tell us about them?

the apple said...


Are these scanners going to magically tell you the person's personality and character traits? The rest of the stuff is pretty darn irrelevant if those don't work.

ProfK said...

If it is a girl that is wearing all green then her daddy's income contains at least 9 zeros in the figure. If it is a guy that is wearing all green, run the other direction because high maintainance doesn't even begin to cover what he wants from your parents.

the apple,
of course the scanners would be able to pick up personality. Little geometric symbols embedded in the ties or hairbands would clue you in. For instance, a small arrow would indicate someone who is outgoing; a larger arrow would indicate someone who is very outgoing. If the arrow is orange, the wearer is often the life of the party. A square would signify someone who is nerdy by choice. A turqoise blue square would indicate someone with a PhD. A green square would indicate someone who hasn't got a clue about most things but oh does he have a knack for making money. A circle would indicate that the person was well rounded. See? The scanner could do it all.

Anonymous said...

But what if the guy is wearing a plaid kipa and a paisly tie? How do you figure that one out?

ProfK said...

Any guy who wears plaid together with paisley not only wants a wife, he needs a wife desperately. What this signifies is that you can never ever let him go shopping by himself and probably will have to do all the clothes shopping for him. Just a thought--such guys seem to make excellent computer programmers and can also fix the plumbing when it gets stopped up. Apparently when G-d closes a door he opens a window.

G said...

can also fix the plumbing when it gets stopped up. Apparently when G-d closes a door he opens a window.

Oddly enough that is exactly how most guys would fix the plumbing if it was stopped up.

Anonymous said...

System doesn't seem quite fair. What if you are color blind? You could be wearing the wrong colors and never know it.

ProfK said...

I suppose you could get someone who isn't color blind to help out by labeling everything you own. Turn the scanner on yourself to check what message you are sending.

Just a weird note: my frum optometrist told me once that color blindness in all its forms is more prevalent in men than in women. Also jewish males have a higher then the rest of the population chance of being color blind. Girls take note of this--it may be that the strangely dressed guy who walks in your door doesn't have bad taste; he just may be color blind.

Anonymous said...

So true on the colorblindness. My husband can't tell any dark shades apart like black and navy and dark brown. He could be wearing a navy suit jacket with black pants and nevermind the socks. I bought blank camp clothes labels and labeled everything he owns with the color. His style improved tremendously and he can get dressed by himself without wondering if he is making a mistake.
No wonder the frum element only wear black suits. I bet most of em are color blind and this makes it easier.

Anonymous said...

If jews were really that color blind they would stop trying to split hairs the way they do. It's not enough when someone says they are light blue. Peopole want to know just what shade of light blue.