Thursday, August 21, 2008

Changing Shidduch Making--Removing "Gaivoh"

If one more time, just one, I hear the word "deserve" tacked on to a shidduch request I am going to go screaming into the night.

Shidduchim are not, I repeat not, about what we believe we "deserve" to get. A basic tenet of our religion is that Hashem is mezaveg zevugim. Our future shidduch, therefore, is about what Hashem has decided is right for us. Our job, in trying to find our zivug, is to try and figure out what Hashem had in mind for us, what He thought we would "deserve." Hashem, having made us, understands completely our failings and our good points. He understands our "human-ness." It is we who do not understand this.

Human beings are not perfect, although we are always supposed to be striving to perfect ourselves. In quieter moments of self-reflection we even admit this to ourselves. Why, then, are we always looking for perfection in others? What have we done to "earn" this perfection, to "deserve" this perfection?

Parents are perhaps more guilty of the "deserve" syndrome then singles are, but plenty of singles suffer from it as well. Shidduchim are not about deserving anything. Now, as a parent, I can actually sympathize with the idea of believing your child deserves the best of everything that is available. But as a parent I have also come to see that it is not about believing this, and acting as if this is "what is coming to you," but of hoping that good things will come. The difference between "hoping" and "believing" manifests itself in the attitudes and behavior that are seen in shidduch making.

Okay, so the first change that needs to be made in the language of shidduchim is changing "expect" or "deserve" to "hope." Then "hope" needs to be changed to "Wouldn't it be nice if..." What next?


We need to stop looking at the shidduchim that other people have made, at least as long as we aren't really seeing everything. We see our friend with the "tall" boy, we see our other friend with the "cute" boy, we see another friend with the "bright" boy and so on. So we look at all the characteristics of our friends' chosonim, decide we "deserve" this just as much, if not more, as they, and put all the characteristics into the one person we want. We piece together the perfect mate, and then get upset all outside of reason when a shadchan or friend does not deliver this person to us.

And then we get insulted. "How dare anyone present this shidduch to me!" "Is that what they think of me?" Or this comment which I saw on another shidduch blog: "I'm too young to have to settle." Excuse me? Let me repeat this once again: no one, but no one knows who their bashert is until they meet him/her. No one knows with any certainty just what characteristics and midos that person will have. It is our job to try and figure out what we "need" in a shidduch, never mind what we want, and to try and see if those needs will be met by someone we have been introduced to. And if things don't seem to be working out the way we hoped, it is our job to adjust our needs to coincide with reality. And the only way to get on with this job is to "drop the gaivoh."

"Gaivoh" leads to unrealistic expectations, to decisions made out of pique rather than reality. "Gaivoh" allows us the fiction that we are more perfect then we really are. "Gaivoh" allows us to stand in judgement of others in a truly negative sense rather than attempting a rational, logical evaluation. "Gaivoh" says "I deserve." "Gaivoh" clouds our vision of who we really are and who other people really are. "Gaivoh" poisons a possible shidduch before it can ever be red.



18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! Eliminating gaivoh is lots easier to say then to do. You're right that as parents we want the best things for our kids. And it's very hard to admit that our own kids are not the perfect specimins we have always told the world they are.

Anonymous said...

Why stop with shidduchim? Gaivah is certainly present in the my community/shul/yeshiva/family is better than yours competition that goes on. Try saying you're from Queens or New Jersey and watch the Brooklyn noses go up in the air.

G said...

A basic tenet of our religion is that Hashem is mezaveg zevugim

That sounds an awful lot like "bashert" to me...and that is w/o a doubt NOT a tenet of our religion.

And if things don't seem to be working out the way we hoped, it is our job to adjust our needs to coincide with reality.

I'm not sure what you mean here. Please explain.

SaraK said...

I am definitely in agreement with the basic premise of dropping the "I deserve this and this in a shidduch" but I second G's confusion over this:

And if things don't seem to be working out the way we hoped, it is our job to adjust our needs to coincide with reality.

Anonymous said...

I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of this situation. I hope that people read this blog and change their way of thinking. Keep writing great stuff and I'll keep reading!

Knitter of shiny things said...

In general I agree with you in terms of people thinking they deserve a mate with specific characteristics, but there is one respect where I would take exception.

I would say that everyone deserves to be with someone who will love them, respect them, and treat them nicely. Also they deserve to be with someone who wants to be with them and doesn't think of being with them as "settling." I think that's just a matter of human decency.

ProfK said...

A bit of explanation of "And if things don't seem to be working out the way we hoped, it is our job to adjust our needs to coincide with reality." The first step is to divide out wants from needs, one being a "nice" thing to have and the other a "necessity." But too many times what are characterized as needs may be in conflict with each other or may not be capable of existing side by side in the same person. That's when we need to adjust to what is possible to attain.

An example from a not so young man I was redding shidduchim for. He was a rather high powered businessman and wanted a wife who would be able to understand the ins and outs of his business and be a "safe" sounding board for ideas. He needed her to be a business "asset," as there was lots of business entertaining that needed to be done. High level business experience on her part would be a plus to him. On the other hand he was also looking for someone who would be a "calming" influence in his life, someone soft and bending. He needed both things, yet common sense would say that one would cancel out the other. Theoretically I suppose you could have a high powered business woman capable of playing the tough games who was also soft and bending. I've known my fair share of high powered business women--I haven't seen a "softy" in the bunch. After dating for 18 years he had never been out with a woman who had these particular two traits in combination. I suggested that he would need to pick one or the other. He still continued to insist that both were "needs" of his. He is now in his late 40s and still unmarried and still insisting on both needs. And that is what I mean about adjusting our needs to fit reality.

I agree Knitter that love and respect are needs that cannot and should not be compromised on, but the attitude of having "settled" can only come about when we've been unrealistic to begin with about what is possible in a future mate.

G, I don't pretend to be the most learned branch on the tree, but it was drummed into me from an early age that Hashem was indeed mezaveg zevugim and that for different stages in our lives there were matches for us that had been pre-ordained. If you have chapter and verse that contravenes that then please be so kind as to state them--I'm more than willing to learn.

Lion of Zion said...

a shidduch is like merchandise, and no one wants to leave the store with damaged goods. perfection only and nothing less.

Lion of Zion said...

i don't think it's (always) about gayva, but also about fear of the unknown.

this is one reason i think meeting people naturally is healthier than shidduch dating. when you get to know someone naturally you have an opportunity to appreciate them for who they are despite any "faults." this is much more difficult when you are thrown into a situation with a complete stranger. the first thing you see about him/her (whether personality or especially, looks) is what will determine your initial attitude. if that first impression is negative, it is then a completely uphill battle even if everything else about him/her is perfect.

Anonymous said...

What I have found over many years of trying to make shidduchim is that singles lock themselves into a set of requirements before they have ever had a first date, and then they don't deviate from those requirements no matter how many more years they continue to date. It's like they don't learn from the dating experience. They have a picture in their mind and nothing and no one is going to change that picture.

I guess your adjusting to reality would apply here. As you date you should be refining and changing what you are looking for based on what the 'real' world is really like, rather then the picture you've custom painted in your mind before you've ever gone out.

Anonymous said...

Gaivoh is one of the problems in making shidduchim. I think a bigger problem though is that those looking for shidduchim have ideal people in mind when they start dating and no date can live up to that ideal. A friend's daughter turned down a second date with a boy because on the first date he wore brown shoes with grey pants and a blue shirt. There was no way we could persuade her that this was not a character flaw because in her mind someone serious about becoming a husband would hsave learned about putting an outfit together.

Anonymous said...

I remember when I was in BY, the main theme that teachers conveyed to us was the following,"If you are the best student in school, then you will get the best guy in the world" This implied, bad students get bad husbands and good students get good husbands.

Thus it follows if I was a straight A student in schools, then I deserve the best there is. After all I spend 13+ years studying my brains off to deserve it.

BTW - Both of my girls received the same message from their teachers.

Lion of Zion said...

MLEVIN:

so why do you send your daughters to this school?

Anonymous said...

Lion of Zion - Neither daughter went to the same school.

Lion of Zion said...

MLEVIN:

why did you send your daughters to the same type of school that you went to?

Anonymous said...

My daughters went to the different types of schools. Youngest goes to a more modern school, but they still get the same message. There just aren't any choices. [sigh]

At least my youngest is receiving a competitive secular education, rest of the girl schools simply consider secular education unimportant and just a necessary evil because State forces it on the schools.

My oldest went to school which pretended that secular education is important, but in reality they tought towards Touro.

G said...

G, I don't pretend to be the most learned branch on the tree, but it was drummed into me from an early age that Hashem was indeed mezaveg zevugim and that for different stages in our lives there were matches for us that had been pre-ordained. If you have chapter and verse that contravenes that then please be so kind as to state them--I'm more than willing to learn.

Again, are you speaking specifically of the idea of "bashert"? It's a simple question.

--as for chapter and verse...you first:)

ProfK said...

G,
The word bashert is used in Yiddish for more than just shidduchim. I suppose it is generally defined as "fated" or "pre-ordained." Is this the definition you are using?

Please keep in mind that in my family it was never used to refer to what was called instead the "richtigen zivug," the right/correct match.

Is your objection to the idea of a "match made in heaven" on the grounds that it seems to contradict the idea of bechira?

As to the chapter and verse, since you are the one objecting you get to go first.