Shidduchim are not, I repeat not, about what we believe we "deserve" to get. A basic tenet of our religion is that Hashem is mezaveg zevugim. Our future shidduch, therefore, is about what Hashem has decided is right for us. Our job, in trying to find our zivug, is to try and figure out what Hashem had in mind for us, what He thought we would "deserve." Hashem, having made us, understands completely our failings and our good points. He understands our "human-ness." It is we who do not understand this.
Human beings are not perfect, although we are always supposed to be striving to perfect ourselves. In quieter moments of self-reflection we even admit this to ourselves. Why, then, are we always looking for perfection in others? What have we done to "earn" this perfection, to "deserve" this perfection?
Parents are perhaps more guilty of the "deserve" syndrome then singles are, but plenty of singles suffer from it as well. Shidduchim are not about deserving anything. Now, as a parent, I can actually sympathize with the idea of believing your child deserves the best of everything that is available. But as a parent I have also come to see that it is not about believing this, and acting as if this is "what is coming to you," but of hoping that good things will come. The difference between "hoping" and "believing" manifests itself in the attitudes and behavior that are seen in shidduch making.
Okay, so the first change that needs to be made in the language of shidduchim is changing "expect" or "deserve" to "hope." Then "hope" needs to be changed to "Wouldn't it be nice if..." What next?
We need to stop looking at the shidduchim that other people have made, at least as long as we aren't really seeing everything. We see our friend with the "tall" boy, we see our other friend with the "cute" boy, we see another friend with the "bright" boy and so on. So we look at all the characteristics of our friends' chosonim, decide we "deserve" this just as much, if not more, as they, and put all the characteristics into the one person we want. We piece together the perfect mate, and then get upset all outside of reason when a shadchan or friend does not deliver this person to us.
And then we get insulted. "How dare anyone present this shidduch to me!" "Is that what they think of me?" Or this comment which I saw on another shidduch blog: "I'm too young to have to settle." Excuse me? Let me repeat this once again: no one, but no one knows who their bashert is until they meet him/her. No one knows with any certainty just what characteristics and midos that person will have. It is our job to try and figure out what we "need" in a shidduch, never mind what we want, and to try and see if those needs will be met by someone we have been introduced to. And if things don't seem to be working out the way we hoped, it is our job to adjust our needs to coincide with reality. And the only way to get on with this job is to "drop the gaivoh."
"Gaivoh" leads to unrealistic expectations, to decisions made out of pique rather than reality. "Gaivoh" allows us the fiction that we are more perfect then we really are. "Gaivoh" allows us to stand in judgement of others in a truly negative sense rather than attempting a rational, logical evaluation. "Gaivoh" says "I deserve." "Gaivoh" clouds our vision of who we really are and who other people really are. "Gaivoh" poisons a possible shidduch before it can ever be red.