Sunday, July 26, 2009

Just What is Off the Derech

I'm a realist in most things. I recognize that even with the best of intentions, even with the best of education and chizuk to keep our kids "on the derech," things can go wrong. Sometimes you can pinpoint why a particular person decides that being frum is no longer for them; many times you cannot. But just what is it that we mean when we talk about going off the derech?

Let me illustrate why I'm not sure what that means when others use the term. An acquaintance and I found ourselves together recently. For a few moments we did the "polite" thing and caught up generally on our families. She decided to unload and I guess I was handy. One of her daughters went off the derech, her term. She is bitter, to say the least. She is taking the whole thing very personally. She is upset by what this is doing to her other children. She cannot stand the looks she knows she is getting from others in her community. People cannot seem to look her straight in the face. Not just bitter, but angry too. And then she gets weepy. How will she ever have this couple in her home for a Shabbos or Yom Tov or for a simcha? She will never be able to go to her daughter on these occasions either. Fortunately, as she put it, the daughter is living in California now so at least she isn't flaunting herself here in NY.

I excused myself as soon as was humanly possible because the negative vibes were really making me uncomfortable. While leaving the room I ran into another acquaintance who told me that she noticed I was talking to person X. Then she told me to take anything she told me with a grain of salt. Yup, I was puzzled. And even though I really, really didn't want or need to know any of this I got cornered and told the "real" story. Yes, the daughter went off the derech, if by derech is meant the road her parents were traveling on. That road was the black hat road, the college only if it's Touro and even better would be one of the diploma mills road. That road was the no Internet road, no secular books road. That road was the stockings/tights at all times and black skirt road. We've seen that road before; some of you may even travel on it at times.

So which road did the daughter move onto? She is traveling what some would identify as the MO Turnpike. She has ditched the uniform, although she doesn't wear pants or sleeveless. She goes to movies now or watches them on cable. She has the Internet. She's attending a college in California for a graduate degree as a Physician's Assistant. Her hubby doesn't wear the black hat lavush. He wears jeans. He wears a srugie. His tzitzit are tucked inside his pants. He davens nusach ashkenaz. He went to a day school, not a yeshiva.



Driving home I think to myself that things have really gotten screwed up in Klal if this is what is considered going off the derech, if this is what has some parents wailing and almost to the point of tearing kriah. No, I imagine it might not be comfortable for family members of wide diversity to find a neutral ground for some occasions. But just how is any of this going off the derech? We really must find another term to use if our children are different in their religious observance than we are. If we don't, I can see how telling a child who is different religiously over and over that he/she is off the derech just might actually push them off that derech on to a derech we might like even less.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some people have psychological problems. When it gets to the point that the community as a whole seems to have these problems (are we getting there? maybe), then it's something to worry about.

Anonymous said...

That is such a sad story. Is that what family and community values mean? Rejecting children if they do something slightly different, but are still observant, good people? (Even cutting off children who decide not to remain fully observant is questionable, but that is an issue for another day.) What is the cause of this -- is it communities that are so restrictive and fearful of differences or is it this particular Mom who either sacrifices her relationship with her children to community pressures or takes personal offense that a daughter decides not to copy her 100% of the way?

Anonymous said...

This sometimes works the other direction too. I am much more to the right then my family is, and they think I am the one who will get into trouble. My sister seriously told me that when I get disillusioned with what I'm doing I just might leave all the way. I'm sure they think my husband and his family have brainwashed me and that I couldn't have chosen this derech I'm on freely.

Yes, it causes family problems. I don't want my kids hearing from my parents that mom and dad are on the wrong road. And please tell me why a parent won't buy a bottle of cholov yisroel milk for when we come over, the excuse being that they won't contribute to my off derech behavior, and we have to accept them and what they hold without trying to change them. I really don't care if they use cholov yisroel or not, but we do. How difficult is this?!

frum single female said...

i wonder if this young woman is included in the greater off the derech statistics. if so not as many have gone off the derech as we think!!

Anonymous said...

The term "off the derech" is a little troubling. What it means in many contexts is "you aren't still on my derech and therefore are not as good as you once were."

Ashkenazic Jew said...

"He davens nusach ashkenaz."

Thanks for bringing out into the open something what discerning people suspect, but may not usually see openly.

It is unbelievable how certain sects, those of Hassidic background, in their zeal to create a new Judaism and depart from their Ashkenazic past, go at times.

So I guess according to these fools, Rashi was 'off the derech', since he davened Ashkenaz, as were the baalei Tosfos, as was the Rosh, Rama, Chasam Sofer, etc., etc.

Boruch Hashem I was not born into such inanity.

P.S. Ashkenaz is the nusach of Ashkenazic Jews. If they consider themselves 'Sfard', let them start eating rice on Pesach.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 10:29 -- I know you didn't ask for advice, so feel free to ignore an old yenta, but I realize this is hard, but try to take the high road. Bring your own milk/dairy products when you visit. Go out of your way to show respect and love for your parents and do not criticize them. Talk privately and calmly with your parents about your concerns about their criticizing your choices in front of or to your children. It may take a long time for your parents to accept the path you have chosen, but I don't think you will ever regret trying hard to keep a good relationship with them, at least for the sake of your children since there is something very unique and special about the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren that you shouldn't deprive either of. Finally, be glad that you are not in the situation of the person in ProfK's post who sounds like she has completely cut-off her daughter, and, when your own children are older give them the room to chose their own path and respect their choices.

Anonymous said...

In general, "off the derech" is just to the left of the beholder, and "crazy frum" is just to the right :-)

Mark

Squooshball said...

. . .and this is why the "Yeshivish Off the Derech" label was coined to describe singles and families who aren't MO, but aren't as Yeshivish as their families of origin.

Anonymous said...

Just what we need - more labels.

Azriel said...

Ashkenazic Jew--there are way more than two nusachs when it comes to davening, and not all Jews who are Ashkenazic daven nusach Ashkenaz. Many daven sefardi nusach which isn't the same as nusach s'fard. You want to see just how many there are go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nusach just for a taste. Very strange to me that anyone would consider one nusach better then the other when they have to do with geography and customs in some geographic areas. Has nothing to do with eating rice on Pesach.

CJ Srullowitz said...

Boruch Hashem, this girl is going the MO route, and has gotten married as well.

I'm sure we all have stories of kids who, lulei demistafina, really went off the derech when a more modern (or at least moderate) lifestyle would have kept them in the fold.

While these may be isolated stories, it remains critical to offer people from such backgrounds an alternative when they look to "escape" the real or perceived restrictiveness of their upbringing.

This is something the "Torah Im Derech Eretz" crowd should be focused on in lieu of "attacking" Right Wing Yiddishkeit.

Tuvi said...

I once heard a speaker who was addressing this idea of what going off the derech means to lots of people. He took the approach that "all roads lead to Rome." No one can claim their road to be better or the best, but can only claim it is their road. He said we would all be better off if we took this term out of circulation since it no longer refers exclusively to someone who has abandoned frumkeit of any kind or yiddishkeit of any kind. I'd agree with him. I think the example in the posting shows that one persons off the derech is not necessarily another persons.

OTD said...

Everyone should go off the derech.

Ashkenazic Jew said...

Evidently my points weren't understood by all, as shown by the post of Ezriel, so I will elaborate some.

1) The post by Prof. K. mentioned people who considered others who davened nusach Ashkenaz 'off the derech'. I pointed out the absurdity of that, since that is the native/traditional nusach of Ashkenazic Jewry, for one thing. It is true that some people have deviated from it, but that was at a relatively late date, after many centuries of use. So for such people to turn around and claim that those who remained faithful to the old minhog are 'off the derech' is absurd.

2) Nusach Sfard is related to Sepharadim, even though it is not exactly the same as what true Sepharadim use. After all, there is a reason it is called 'nusach Sfard', and not nusach Hodu, nusach Paras, nusach China, or whatever, no?

Staying Afloat said...

I agree with CJ Srullowitz- Yiddishkeit doesn't fit every person the same way, and if we allowed for more flexibity, less people would completely break.

I wish this wasn't an isolated story. Every young person wants to make their own way in some way- it's tragic that they feel that it's "my way or the highway".

I do think it bears defining at which point of the continuum a person is considered off the derech. Do they have to drop everything? What about Conservative? Or Ultra-modern? Does it go back to the basic three of Shabbos, kashrus and taharas ha'mishpachah?

CJ Srullowitz said...

I would, lulei demistafina, contend that someone who keeps Shabbos/Kashrus/Taharas Hamishpachah to some degree can not be considered "off the derech."

Parents who rais kriyah because their kids stopped drinking Chalav Yisrael need a reality check.

Anonymous said...

ProfK:
Surely the most important thing is that the daughter is living a Jewish life and (presumably) a menschlich one as well?
Perhaps the real problem is that the is no 'the derech', but only one's own derech - an entirely subjective assessment of an appropriate Jewish lifestyle...
Anon613-London

Trudy said...

Off the derech isn't the only term that causes some confusion when people use it. Start first with the word frum. If you can't define that in a way that all people will accept then off the derech doesn't have any meaning.

About your story though I can give maybe one reason why the daughters being different religiously is causing the mother problems. Try making a shidduch for your child that is religious one way if there is another child in the family who is religious a different way. Not saying it's right but the crazy way that shidduchim are made today includes minute details about all the siblings. Maybe this mother ran into problems getting shidduchim for her other children because of the child who married differently from what these other kids want.

Joseph said...

I grew up quite MO, yet I did things like: Not only give up my seat on the bus to those who needed it, but would even get off the bus and walk the remaining blocks (if not too far) to avoid causing embarrassment. I would also hold money in my hand in Yerushalayim to avoid causing any extra embarrassment to a beggar by having to look for the money to give. If I went to a Mets game, I'd sit there worrying that I wouldn't get to see the end of the ga,e if Moshiach came in the middle. Etc.

My point is that one can grow just as close to Hashem, if not closer, by not living a Charedei lifestyle.

Anonymous said...

Hashem gives us free choice, and many of us have used this possibility to make lifestyle changes that we feel bring us closer to Him.

We can't take free choice away from our (grown) children, because Hashem has given it to them. Once we recognize that, we won't feel like personal failures if they choose a lifestyle other than the one we chose.