Saturday, November 10, 2007

First Dates are not the end of the World--They only seem that way

I was reading on a different blog about someone's first date ever. Things apparently did not go particularly well and the young lady was very despondent. She commented that if this was what dating was she didn't want any part of it. I can sympathize with this young lady but still have to point out the obvious: every date is its own little world, it's own happening. And every one who has ever gone out has a "first date" story, even if that date was with person number 15.

I grew up out of town and in a different era. I started dating before my 16th birthday. In our community this was considered good practice. Boys and girls got to learn how to talk to each other and to see the varieties of personalities and outlooks that were out there. When we would be ready for marriage we would have enough experience to know if someone was really for us or not. That did not mean that there was no care taken in who you dated.

My first date was with our rabbi's son. The families knew each other and we sort of knew each other and this was the "ideal" first date according to everyone. I only wish. The boy arrived at my house, where his car promptly broke down. As we were supposed to be going to a program sponsored by a local Jewish organization time was of the essence. No problem. My uncle drove us to the program location. Not an auspicious start. Towards the end of the program my parents arrived--we would have no way home otherwise. My dad thought that a date should include refreshments of some sort so he drove us to a local ice cream parlor. There we were seated at two separate tables, separated by about one foot. We might as well have been sitting at one table, as we were conversing together anyway. And yes, when the check came my dad picked it up for all of us. My dad dropped my mom and I off at home and then took my date home. The next morning his dad was in my house having coffee with us as he arranged to have the car towed. And yes, there was my date's dad asking "So, did you have fun last night?" And yes, I distinctly remember telling my mother that if this was dating there had to be a better way.

By the time I was ready to think about marriage and to want to be married I had had enough experience to know that strange first dates are nothing out of the ordinary. I would have a few other "first date" stories besides the very first one. It's all part of the process. You need to roll with the punches when it comes to first dates. My mother cannot forget a phone call she got from me at a restaurant in Manhattan. I called to ask my dad to drive to the city to come pick me up, but could he meet me at the emergency room at NYU Hospital. I was driving my date, in his car, to the emergency room. He had gotten food poisoning on the date. My dad and I waited there until his parents could be located and could come to the hospital. Nope, we never went out again, the boy's choice. He was a bit off put at dating a girl again that he had thrown up all over.

Or the first date that was a first in many areas. The boy I was set up with, in his twenties, had just gotten his drivers licence. His first solo trip was going to be taking me from Far Rockaway to Manhattan on a Saturday night in December. Somewhere in lower Manhattan I had turned green literally. Something to do with the dozen or so near-death experiences he had given us. I asked him to pull over, took the keys and drove us the rest of the way to the restaurant, a restaurant where I really couldn't eat anything as I was still extremely nauseated. I then drove us back to Far Rockaway. There I gave him back the keys and told him to say Tefilas HaDerech. And yes, I said no to another date. Committing suicide is against halacha.

I think that all of us invest too much in the first date. We assume that some kind of lightening bolt has to strike us, that bells have to ring. A first date should be glorious, or at least uneventful. If the first date somehow goes wrong or turns out to be rather strange we assume that that is the death knell for further dating of that person. And a strange first date can sour us on the whole dating process.

A couple that I set up were both going out for the first time. She was nervous, so was he. He took her out for dinner. When parking the car he leaped out to make sure to open her car door--clearly his mother had had some input. But while he was getting the door open for her he was also just a touch nervous. He left the keys in the ignition with the motor running. He had closed his door while going to get hers open. He closed her door and then discovered that all the doors were now locked, and yes the car was going. Being a bit flustered, he called me, the shadchan. Not being so flustered I told him to call his father to bring an extra set of keys for the car. For 45 minutes until his dad arrived, he and his date leaned up against the car and conversed. They did eventually get to eat a meal together but the bloom was off the evening. And after the date the girl said no to another one. Her reason: she wanted someone more responsible. I could have argued the point but didn't bother. She was too inexperienced to know that even with the best of intentions, sometimes things go wrong on a date.

But let me end on a positive note. My nephew took a girl out on a first date to Manhattan. Not being awfully familiar with the parking regulations in the city, he found an empty spot and parked the car, without checking all the parking signs. When he and his date came out of the restaurant his car was gone. He had to call his father to come and get him and take he and his date to the impound lot to retrieve the car. And yes, the girl had a sense of humor, and yes, she looked at the boy not the events, and yes, they are B"H married for quite some time. Hey, if it weren't for strange first date stories what would you have to tell your children about how mommy met daddy?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

At least these first dates showed up. My first date story is about the guy who forgot that he had a date and never showed up. When the shadchan called him kind of upset he asked her what the day was. Then he asked her if she was sure that he had made the date for this day because it didn't sound familiar at all. When the shadchan told him that he had for sure made the date for this day he answered that okay, I guess we will have to reschedule. He wished!

Anonymous said...

You know it's not just guys who screw up a first date. I went out with a girl the first time who couldn't get my name right. She kept calling me Yaakov and I kept correcting her. She finally said to me that I just reminded her of someone who should be called Yaakov so would I mind if she just called me that. yes I minded. No I didn't take her out again.

Anonymous said...

I'm married now and can laugh about it but that "first date" disaster was not funny at the time. A boy asked me out to a cncert given by one of the Jewish singers popular then. I said yes. The concert turned out was separate seating. The boy, and three of his friends who also bought tickets to take dates to the concert, sat in one section and had a great time with each other. Us four dates sat together in another section. I'm still friendly with one of those women but I never went out with the boy again. Except for taking me to the concert--about a ten minute ride, and bringing me home we didn't talk or interact with each other at all. I kind of figured that he wasn't really interested in me at all.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't seem very kind to be making fun of a first date that may have made someone feel upset or depressed. Not everyone sees shidduchim as something to joke about. Some people take this seriously. Some people feel pain when a date goes very badly. They need our support and our telling them that it was not their fault and they should just go forward. Laughing about the date just makes it seem like the date wasn't important and that the person is not important.

ProfK said...

Rachmono l'tzlan, what half-baked lies have we been feeding our young people that a first date should bring on depression and sadness, that a strange first date should be looked at as a calamity, that a first date should bring about self-worth doubts? We are not talking here a broken engagement or a divorce. We are not talking about a life threatening illness or a threatening natural calamity. We are talking about meeting someone for the first time and going on a date for a few hours. What stupidity is being spewed forth that a first date has come to have such significance? Do these same people who feel such pain on a first date with someone also come home and cry after every job interview? Do they cry if their lottery tickets were not winners? Did they obsess over every grade in school that was less then 100%?

Here is a plain fact of life--sometimes things go well and sometimes they don't. Sometimes, despite all of our efforts, things don't turn out as we want them to. The old adage applies here--the one about "not crying over spilt milk."

Frankly, IMHO, if a young lady--probably read 18 or 19-- takes the dating issue so much to heart that she can be saddened and depressed by a first date gone awry, then she is not yet ready to be in the shidduch parsha. Dating is not for the faint of heart.

Anonymous said...

Fraid I have to agree with profk here--way too much emphasis being placed on a first date. People get so frantic to make sure that absolutely nothing will go wrong that it absolutely does go wrong. And what is wrong with that? Never read a book that everyone was raving about that you didn't like? Never saw a movie that was supposed to be so great and you didn't like it? So a date turned out to be weird, big deal. Just say next.

Anonymous said...

Does it count if your bad first date was actually the third date? I somehow put my wallet into my coat pocket and then I left my coat in the car. When I had to pay for dinner I couldn't. Luckily the girl was a good sport and luckily she had a credit card with her. And lucky for me she didn't think I was dumb or any other negative thing and we kept on dating. And every time we are in the car together for the almost two years we have been married she asks if I have my wallet with me. We both laugh about it now. That is one of the things I love about her, she is not a kvetch and she is a good sport.

Anonymous said...

Laughing til the tears run. I'm inclined to give dates the benefit of the doubt about mess ups. They always happen at the worst times, no matter how responsible you usually are. And worst case scenario - you have a good dating story to tell.

Anonymous said...

I missed a few weeks of reading the blog and am sure glad I came back for this post. I think I had a top candidate for best worst first date. A boy took me to a restaurant in Flatbush. We had to park a few blocks away. At the end of dinner it was raining really hard and the boy said he would go get the car and pick me up. It was almost half hour before he showed back up. He was all the way to Boro park before he remembered he had left me at the restaurant. It was bad enough that he forgot me but then he told me? And on the boys side the shadchan really couldn't understand why I wouldn't go out again.

ProfK said...

Justlooking,

You have definitely made my day--I didn't realize just how much I needed a good laugh until I read your story. And they are going to let this young man reproduce?