Only the Nearest and Dearest

When I was a kid, very large frum families were not the norm. Actually, three children was considered a fairly large family. Five was a huge family. A large number of the parents of these children were Holocaust survivors. In most instances whole families did not survive the war, and the parents did not have a large number of siblings or cousins still living. Cousins, who might actually be second, third and down the line cousins, got close to each other because they were all that was left of the much larger families. When it came to simchas these cousins were invited along with a whole load of friends because that was all that you had.


Fast forward to today. Today five children is not considered a big family but merely an average or small-average family among the frum. Having eight to ten children doesn't raise any eyebrows. Families with considerably more than 10 children are not unusual. I have a friend that I went to college with who had 18 children. And one of my students was one of 22 children. B"H, Klal is growing larger. But that growth is one of the reasons why simcha giving has grown to be so unmanageable.


Let's follow a hypothetical family through a chasoneh. The mother and father of the kallah each have two siblings: 4 sets of aunts and uncles to be invited. The choson's parents have 5 siblings between them. These nine aunts and uncles have 48 children among them. That's 48 first cousins of the choson and kallah. Let's say half of those first cousins are married; that's 72 people that are first degree relatives. So, aunts and uncles and first cousins equal 90 people to be invited to a simcha.

The kallah is one of seven children; the choson is one of six. Let's say they are the youngest in the family and the last to get married. Their siblings and spouses total 22 people to invite. But each of the siblings has children. Let's be conservative and say there are "only" 33 nieces and nephews at this point. This makes another 55 people to invite to the simcha.


Let's give the choson and kallah four sets of grandparents. Then let's add in a few brothers and sisters of these grandparents. Let's say there are 12 more people to invite to the wedding.

Have I mentioned muchatonim yet? There are 11 sets of muchatonim for the married siblings. This is another 22 people to invite. (Note: just try not inviting your muchatonim to a simcha and watch the fireworks.)

The parents of the choson and kallah also have first cousins. Let's only give them 9 apiece. All are married. That is another 36 people to invite.

We are up to 215 people who "must" be invited to the wedding before we get to anyone who is not a direct first-degree relative.

Do the parents have close friends? Have they lived in one community for a long time and been invited to other's simchas? What about those who are not first-degree relatives but with whom you have been close your whole life? A large number of these people are part of a couple, so double the number.

How about the friends of the choson and the kallah? The younger the couple the more likely that they are still in contact with all or most of their high school graduating classes. Then there are the friends from the year in Israel. And let's not forget camp friends. If a boy is in Beis Medrash that's a whole lot of bochrim to consider. How about those you work with?


Can you count to 200+ in the blink of an eye? Can you count to 300+ in the same blink? Now add in the 215 "must invites" and you begin to see the problem.

I don't know of many, perhaps any, people getting married who would agree that none of their friends should be invited to their wedding. I don't know of many families that could survive the family machlokes if the first cousins--those of the parents and those of the choson and kallah--were not invited. Where to draw the line on who is invited and who is not makes world diplomacy look like a walk in the park.

Each generation in Klal has larger families than the generation before. How are we going to deal with this fact when it comes to making simchas? I posted a while ago the wedding takanos given out by Satmar. They included the fact that Bar Mitzvahs are limited to 40 couples maximum. Satmar families, as are most chassidic families, are very large. If each parent is one of ten, and they have ten children, and some of their children are already married and themselves are far on the road to having 10 children, then how do they possibly limit a Bar Mitzvah to 80 people? And that's with only one side to consider; at a wedding there are two sides.

So what's the solution? Is there one? How do we rein in the cost of gargantuan weddings without splitting up families? Don't look at me for an answer. No matter which way I add things up, the numbers are huge.