A Shadchan is not a Navi and Other Tales of Woe
Shadchanim get asked some weird questions--it goes with the territory. People who call up to ask someone to red them a shidduch are excited, nervous and not quite sure what to expect. Some have been told by well meaning friends that they have to cover all the bases when speaking to a shadchan, and by the time they get to question #188 I am anesthetized enough to have root canal without Novocaine. Others have no idea what to ask me and I have to guide them through a very lengthy process.
And sometimes I am asked questions that would have taxed any one of the Neviim.
"Do you know where he will take her out on the date?" I am not the boy's mother. Some things the young man will just have to decide on his own. Perhaps the girl could wait and actually talk to the boy. Who knows, he just might tell her where they are going.
"Is he smart about money?" How smart can he be if he is playing the shidduch game New York-style? On the other hand, if he got his parents to cover his dating expenses then he is plenty smart. I don't give boys a financial acuity test.
"Are my friends going to like her and get along with her? That's important to me." Mostly I have never met this young man's friends and am having enough just dealing with him. I have no idea whether or not his friends will like her. But if one of his friends likes her well enough, it is the friend who is going to get the mazel tov, not him.
From a parent: "Would you take this girl for your own son?" You know, shidduchim are not supposed to be "one size fits all." My son is not her son. If I answer "no" the shidduch is off. If I say "yes" the next question is "Do you have a son? If yes, why didn't you red this girl for him?" This is called a lose-lose question.
And my personal favorite is "What's he/she like out on a date?" Please, parents and singles, I don't test drive the people I "red"--no shadchan does. For one thing, I would object strenuously to having to do this. Frankly I'm getting a little too old for cokes at the Liberty Science Center. And for sure my husband would object.
Those who are volunteer shadchanim put in the effort because they are trying to do a mitzvah. They aren't professional mind readers. If it is a Navi that you want, try and catch Eliyahu when he makes his rounds on Pesach.
4 comments:
People really ask those questions??
halfshared,
These and thousands more just like them, some of which I would have had to censor to put on a blog with "family values." I've been asked if a girl/boy ever wore braces on their teeth. I've been asked by a boy's mother whether the girl's mother ever miscarried while pregnant. I've been asked whether a boy resents being the middle child in his family. I've been asked if a boy can "prove" he would be generous to his wife--without a wife how is he supposed to prove this? I have also been asked if I can verify that a person's mother went to mikvah before conceiving him. And then there was the girl's mother who asked if the boy was a fussy eater.
There is not enough room on all the blogs presently in existence for all the off the wall questions that shadchanim get asked.
Laughing out loud here! I used to say that I don't want to marry someone who asks about dumb things like plastic tablecloths, but then I heard some of the weird questions my own parents have asked...
Sometimes I wonder what we're supposed to talk about on the first date, since we already know everything about each other.
bad4shidduchim,
I'm so glad you asked about what to talk about on the first date because that is definitely a topic for a future posting.
I'll just say this in advance--I feel like I have gone on the first date for the couple because of all the information I have to gather and give the parents in advance. Back in the olden days we spent our first date getting a lot of that information ourselves, and we got comfortable enough to be able to pay attention to other things on the second date, which should be so much more important than the first.
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