Regardless of which language is your primary one, there is going to be an element of that language we call idioms. I would venture to say that idioms cause more problems of understanding than any other element of language.
Simply understood, an idiom is "an expression whose meaning is not predictable from the usual meanings of its constituent elements" or " a speech form or an expression of a given language that is peculiar to itself grammatically or cannot be understood from the individual meanings of its elements." Thus, to kick the bucket has nothing to do with kicking or buckets and being under the weather has nothing to do with weather. Since an idiom may also be "a regional speech or dialect; a specialized vocabulary used by a group of people; jargon," we add more layers of confusion to interpretation and understanding. "Stop bugging me," "He's bugging out," and "There's a bug in the program" are examples of such idiomatic speech.
Those who are learning a second language frequently run into problems precisely because of idioms. The idioms present in one language are usually not the same as those of another language. Trying to translate directly gives us some very peculiar sentences. Boy one speaks Spanish; boy two does not. Boy one is trying to teach boy two about how to be a good date. In English he tells boy two that when on a date throw flowers out the window at her. Boy two is very puzzled. "I should throw flowers at her?" he asks. So he goes out and buys a bunch of flowers and when the girl approaches his car to get in he opens the window and he pelts her with the roses. She turns around and goes back into her house, deciding that this boy is just not worth the time. Boy two comes back to boy one very ticked off. "Your throwing flowers bit got me nowhere!" Bad advice from boy one to boy two? No, idiom problems. Spanish has an idiom--"hechar las flores por la ventana" which translated word for word means to throw flowers out the window. But the correlated meaning of that idiom in English is to compliment someone, no flower throwing needed.
There are also phrases we use as part of living together as human beings that are idiomatic. Perhaps chief among those are the two questions "How are you?" and "How do you do?" Unless you are visiting with someone who is quite ill, the questions are not about how you are feeling or how you are getting along. In fact, they aren't questions at all--they are greetings. The answer to "How are you?" is not a long litany of your gastric problems. "Fine, thank you" is all that is required, whether true or not. In less formal parlance, "How's it going?" is also a greeting rather than a true question.
There was some discussion pre-Tisha Ba'Av about the use of "have an easy fast." Some people objected to the use of "easy" as not being truly indicative of what Tisha Ba'Av is about or should be about. A few people substituted "good" for easy. A few substituted "meaningful" for easy. Some thought that "positive" words such as good or easy were not what one should be wishing someone else for this fast. Their feeling seemed to be that the fast is about recognizing what you have done wrong and where you need to improve. Here's my take. "Have an easy fast," like "Have a good day" is idiomatic. It is the fast day substitute for "Hiya." It lets us greet someone without using "hello" or "hi" which we are not supposed to use that day. What I may mean by "have an easy fast" does not have to correlate to what you may mean by it; you can take that phrase any way you want to. But don't assume that the way you take it is how I meant it.
I am among those who are not "good" fasters. "Only" getting a headache and feeling nauseated would actually make it a "great" fast for me. My concern for people who are fasting has to do with their physical condition during the fast. When I say "have an easy fast" I'm talking about not becoming physically ill or debilitated. For me, "have an easy fast" is the equivalent of "stay well." If you want to, consider it as a "gashmius" greeting. As to the ruchnius, that's between you, yourself and God.
So yes, I hope you all had an easy fast yesterday. Just keep in mind that that is an idiomatic phrasing. It's not an opening to tell me all about your actual fasting and what you thought about and what you decided to do or not do. Like "how are you" and "fine, thanks," have an easy fast only requires "thank you, you too" as an answer.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Devil is in the Details
Some recent postings on Orthonomics have centered around the idea of establishing a budget, with an example given of one such budget suitable for those who are frum. Part of the commentary is centered around the idea of the details of the budget. Some people believe the budget is not detailed enough; others believe it is too detailed. I guess that where people will fall in the discussion is going to depend on whether they believe that "the devil is in the details."
Let's take a budget category that is going to apply to everyone: food. For some people this is enough of an indicator for what types of expenses are covered or should be covered in this category. I'm one of those detail people; "food" as a category would tell me absolutely nothing, particularly if I were trying to cut down expenses.
What gets covered in food? Anything edible, or that could be edible after preparation. Thus ready made frozen pizza goes under food, and so does flour and salt. Snack foods go under "food," as do bread and potatoes. For many people the ready made food they purchase from take out food stores or from a restaurant or pizza shop is also "food": cole slaw, potato salad etc. purchased from outside is eaten so it's "food."
There are some who consider that paper and plastic products used in food preparation and consumption also go under the category of "food." The reasoning is that they are only used with food so they belong in the food category.
Still others broaden the category: they talk about supermarket/grocery/food store purchases as one category. That being the case, items like cleansers of all types are included under this category. So are clothes washing products. So are air fresheners. So is that bottle of aspirin you bring home. So is your shampoo and tooth paste.
Those who argue against too much detail in a budget outline say that people with spending problems or those who have never created a budget before will be overwhelmed if there are too many categories or too many sub-categories. Those, like myself, who are arguing for more detailed budgets and more categories/sub-categories do so because many budget breakers are found precisely in these little sub-categories that hide in the corners of the broader categories and leach money out of the budget.
Someone whose food bills were heading way out of sight had to find a way to cut back. In the general category of food, meat and chicken seem to be obviously costly items. But cutting out these items did not make for a happy family. Sorry, but not everyone is cut out to be a vegetarian. But without a detailed listing of what else falls under "food" this family could not manage to make a real dent in their budget woes.
Here is what a detailed budget listing for food would have brought to light. Cole slaw from a take home food store, one pound per week, at $5-6 per pound, or $260-340 per year. Or one pound of potato kugel per week, at $6 per pound. Or assorted cold cuts once a week, averaging out at $10 per pound and higher. Or frozen pizza bagels at $5-6 per box, per week. Frozen blintzes at an average price of $6 per package.
Lumping items under grocery store purchases would have hidden these costs. Paper juice cups at $2.99 for 80 cups. Or name brand foil paper at $4 for 37.5 feet. Or detergent purchased not on sale for $6.49 per bottle. Or multiple toothbrushes purchased multiple times a year at $3 each. Or that "your hair will be the envy of the world" shampoo and conditioner, at $6 and up per small bottle.
Cutting down is made easier if you see all the details of what you are buying. Maybe, just maybe, you will identify a few smaller items that you really don't care all that much about that can be cut out and that could give you real savings. Maybe you could identify spending patterns that could be adjusted. Let me give you a personal example. I buy laundry detergent about twice a year, when it goes on a steep sale. No, I don't buy the store brand. I have a particular detergent I use that works the way I want it to work, so I wait until the sale and then buy in bulk. Yup, sometimes they limit the number of bottles per shopping trip per customer, so I go out to the car and then back into the store. Right now I have enough detergent to get me through until January or February. My savings for the year are about $70-80. Doesn't seem like all that much does it? But it is. Because that type of "detail" savings and shopping is repeated for a lot of the items that hide in the budget and eat away at it in small bites. I do the same for fabric softener. Now the savings are at $140-160 per year. We change toothbrushes 3-4 times per year. Just for arguments sake, a family of five doing so, at $3 and up per tooth brush, would be spending $60 a year just on toothbrushes. Now find a real bargain on good toothbrushes--6 in a package for 99 cents, and yes, sturdy, full bristles and NOT cheap--and your total for the year is $3.96 for almost 5 changes of brush, a savings of $56. Only three items and already a savings of $194-214 per year. Add in home made coleslaw, for a savings of $160 to $240 and up a year, and I've just cut down spending by $344-464 and more a year in a really "painless" fashion across only four items.
I know that there are people for whom this much detail is going to be frustrating; they aren't forest/trees people. But I also know a lot of people for whom general categories don't work either. Perhaps the best advice we can give is find a method that works for you, that you are willing to put a little time into, and then use it. Yes, you may have to experiment a bit to see what works for you.
Someone once told me that such a detailed way of looking at shopping was really nit picking. I laughed and answered: "So you would rather have lice?" It took a bit of explaining but she finally got it. If you don't pick nits, expect lice. If you don't look at the small details you may find your budget going seriously out of whack.
Let's take a budget category that is going to apply to everyone: food. For some people this is enough of an indicator for what types of expenses are covered or should be covered in this category. I'm one of those detail people; "food" as a category would tell me absolutely nothing, particularly if I were trying to cut down expenses.
What gets covered in food? Anything edible, or that could be edible after preparation. Thus ready made frozen pizza goes under food, and so does flour and salt. Snack foods go under "food," as do bread and potatoes. For many people the ready made food they purchase from take out food stores or from a restaurant or pizza shop is also "food": cole slaw, potato salad etc. purchased from outside is eaten so it's "food."
There are some who consider that paper and plastic products used in food preparation and consumption also go under the category of "food." The reasoning is that they are only used with food so they belong in the food category.
Still others broaden the category: they talk about supermarket/grocery/food store purchases as one category. That being the case, items like cleansers of all types are included under this category. So are clothes washing products. So are air fresheners. So is that bottle of aspirin you bring home. So is your shampoo and tooth paste.
Those who argue against too much detail in a budget outline say that people with spending problems or those who have never created a budget before will be overwhelmed if there are too many categories or too many sub-categories. Those, like myself, who are arguing for more detailed budgets and more categories/sub-categories do so because many budget breakers are found precisely in these little sub-categories that hide in the corners of the broader categories and leach money out of the budget.
Someone whose food bills were heading way out of sight had to find a way to cut back. In the general category of food, meat and chicken seem to be obviously costly items. But cutting out these items did not make for a happy family. Sorry, but not everyone is cut out to be a vegetarian. But without a detailed listing of what else falls under "food" this family could not manage to make a real dent in their budget woes.
Here is what a detailed budget listing for food would have brought to light. Cole slaw from a take home food store, one pound per week, at $5-6 per pound, or $260-340 per year. Or one pound of potato kugel per week, at $6 per pound. Or assorted cold cuts once a week, averaging out at $10 per pound and higher. Or frozen pizza bagels at $5-6 per box, per week. Frozen blintzes at an average price of $6 per package.
Lumping items under grocery store purchases would have hidden these costs. Paper juice cups at $2.99 for 80 cups. Or name brand foil paper at $4 for 37.5 feet. Or detergent purchased not on sale for $6.49 per bottle. Or multiple toothbrushes purchased multiple times a year at $3 each. Or that "your hair will be the envy of the world" shampoo and conditioner, at $6 and up per small bottle.
Cutting down is made easier if you see all the details of what you are buying. Maybe, just maybe, you will identify a few smaller items that you really don't care all that much about that can be cut out and that could give you real savings. Maybe you could identify spending patterns that could be adjusted. Let me give you a personal example. I buy laundry detergent about twice a year, when it goes on a steep sale. No, I don't buy the store brand. I have a particular detergent I use that works the way I want it to work, so I wait until the sale and then buy in bulk. Yup, sometimes they limit the number of bottles per shopping trip per customer, so I go out to the car and then back into the store. Right now I have enough detergent to get me through until January or February. My savings for the year are about $70-80. Doesn't seem like all that much does it? But it is. Because that type of "detail" savings and shopping is repeated for a lot of the items that hide in the budget and eat away at it in small bites. I do the same for fabric softener. Now the savings are at $140-160 per year. We change toothbrushes 3-4 times per year. Just for arguments sake, a family of five doing so, at $3 and up per tooth brush, would be spending $60 a year just on toothbrushes. Now find a real bargain on good toothbrushes--6 in a package for 99 cents, and yes, sturdy, full bristles and NOT cheap--and your total for the year is $3.96 for almost 5 changes of brush, a savings of $56. Only three items and already a savings of $194-214 per year. Add in home made coleslaw, for a savings of $160 to $240 and up a year, and I've just cut down spending by $344-464 and more a year in a really "painless" fashion across only four items.
I know that there are people for whom this much detail is going to be frustrating; they aren't forest/trees people. But I also know a lot of people for whom general categories don't work either. Perhaps the best advice we can give is find a method that works for you, that you are willing to put a little time into, and then use it. Yes, you may have to experiment a bit to see what works for you.
Someone once told me that such a detailed way of looking at shopping was really nit picking. I laughed and answered: "So you would rather have lice?" It took a bit of explaining but she finally got it. If you don't pick nits, expect lice. If you don't look at the small details you may find your budget going seriously out of whack.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Being Blue in New Jersey
Once upon a time all states in the US had what are referred to as Sunday Blue Laws. Businesses were forbidden to be open on Sunday, because it was the "Sabbath." I remember when there was no shopping available on a Sunday, except for a few Jewish stores here in NY, and those stores got hassled plenty. Eventually NY bowed to the practical and got rid of its Blue Laws. Only some of New Jersey got rid of its blue laws, or part of them.
Yes, now in Bergen County you can buy food on Sunday, so ShopRite is open. But my daughter reported to me a strange incident that happened today at a ShopRite in Bergen County. She went to do her weekly shopping. On her list was getting a new mop, which was on sale at ShopRite. She put the mop into her wagon and then a friendly store clerk told her not to bother. They wouldn't check out the mop at the checkout counter. Apparently mops are not an item they are allowed to sell on Sunday, being still covered under the Blue Laws. She could buy her groceries. Had she wanted to she could have purchased beer. She was allowed to buy Febreze air freshener. But mops? Verboten.
You've got to love a County where drinking beer is apparently less of a "Sabbath breaker" than mopping is. It also makes me wonder this: do any of our legislators, on the city, state and federal level, ever really read the laws they are voting for? Do they read the fine print? At some point a group of people who are supposed to be intelligent gave us no mops on Sundays. Now, do you understand why governmental edicts seem so out of whack with reality?
And to segue from mops to medicine, the new Health plan that some in Congress are so desperate to pass and pass now--the bill runs over 1000 pages. What are the chances that everyone who has to vote on that bill has read every line of it, word by word? Want to take a bet that if the bill passes we are going to see an awful lot of "no mops sold on Sunday" provisions come to light?
Yes, now in Bergen County you can buy food on Sunday, so ShopRite is open. But my daughter reported to me a strange incident that happened today at a ShopRite in Bergen County. She went to do her weekly shopping. On her list was getting a new mop, which was on sale at ShopRite. She put the mop into her wagon and then a friendly store clerk told her not to bother. They wouldn't check out the mop at the checkout counter. Apparently mops are not an item they are allowed to sell on Sunday, being still covered under the Blue Laws. She could buy her groceries. Had she wanted to she could have purchased beer. She was allowed to buy Febreze air freshener. But mops? Verboten.
You've got to love a County where drinking beer is apparently less of a "Sabbath breaker" than mopping is. It also makes me wonder this: do any of our legislators, on the city, state and federal level, ever really read the laws they are voting for? Do they read the fine print? At some point a group of people who are supposed to be intelligent gave us no mops on Sundays. Now, do you understand why governmental edicts seem so out of whack with reality?
And to segue from mops to medicine, the new Health plan that some in Congress are so desperate to pass and pass now--the bill runs over 1000 pages. What are the chances that everyone who has to vote on that bill has read every line of it, word by word? Want to take a bet that if the bill passes we are going to see an awful lot of "no mops sold on Sunday" provisions come to light?
A "Singles" Event That's a Little Bit Different
I received the following notice via email and it struck me as being the type of program that a lot of people who would otherwise not consider a weekend for "singles" might consider, particularly since it's not exclusively for singles. Some of the topics sound fascinating.
49th Annual AOJS Summer Convention
Shabbos Nachamu Weekend
July 31st-August 2nd, 2009
The Heritage Resort & Spa
Southbury, CT
Only 90 minutes from NYC!
Presentations include:
Topic: Genesis & the Blueprints of Creation: From Cosmic Bigness to Quantum Smallness
Speaker: Stuart Weinberg, MD
Topic: Reish Lakish: The Value and Perspective of an O'ker Harim
Speaker: Rabbi Nachman Cohen, PhD; Chairman, Board of Governors, AOJS
Topic: Darwinian Thought in Non-biological Sciences
Speaker: Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg, PhD
Topic: Speed Reading: Using the Myers-Briggs Technique to Know Yourself & Others
Speaker: Naomi Mark, LCSW
Topic: Resolving Conflicts between Science and Religion
Speaker: Jared Plitt, DDS
Topic: Medical Ethical & Halachic Aspects of Advanced Directives
Speaker: Robert Schulman , MD
Topic: Tisha B'Av, Energy Medicine & the Epigenome
Speaker: Heshie Klein, MD
Topic: Enhancing Communications & Relationships at Home & at Work
Speakers: Marcy Schaffer , PhD & Sylvan Schaffer, JD, PhD
Topic: The Truth about the Vaccine Autism Controversy
Speaker: Susan Schulman, MD
Topic: Nachamu, Nachamu, Tell Me a Story: Stories of Wisdom that Build Relationships
Speaker: Chana-Chaya Klein, MSEd
Topic: Good Relationships: Searching for Support & Comfort in Hard Times
Speaker: Rabbi Tsvi Blanchard, PhD
Topic: Pay or Pray: Ethics of Organ Transplant Compensation
Speaker: Allen J. Bennett, MD
Topic: Was Birchas HaChamah Recited on the Right Day? Rambam on Astronomy & the Luach
Speaker: Jeremy Wertheimer, PhD
Topic: Logic Bubble & Objective Truth Seeker: How to Analyze Beliefs
Speaker: Zev Greenblatt, BS
Symposium: A Torah-Informed Evaluation of Darwin's Theory of Evolution
Topic: Theology of Randomness: A Torah Perspective on the Theory of Evolution
Speaker: Rav Moshe Tendler, PhD
Topic: An Evolving Theory: From Darwin to the Present
Speaker: Avi Rosenberg, PhD
Topic: Computing Phylogenetic Trees from Sequence Similarities
Speaker: Jeremy Wertheimer, PhD
Topic: Evolution of Man's Psychology
Speaker: Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, PhD
Panel Discussion:
Avi Rosenberg, PhD
Moshe D. Tendler, PhD
Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, PhD
Jeremy Wertheimer, PhD
Moderator: Nisan Hershkowitz, DDS
Special Singles' Program directed by Naomi Mark, LCSW & Aryela Rosenberg, DDS
You need not be a scientist to attend!
Double Occupancy: $375/person ALL TAXES & GRATUITIES INCLUDED!
Single Occupancy: $550/ person ALL TAXES & GRATUITIES INCLUDED!
KIDS UNDER 5 ARE FREE!
Register now! Limited availability! Over 80% of rooms already sold!
Contact: (718) 969-3669 or nachamu@aojs.org
AOJS National Office:
Rabbi Yossi Bennett, Executive Director
1011 Moss Place, Lawrence, NY 11559
__._,_.___
Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) Start
49th Annual AOJS Summer Convention
Shabbos Nachamu Weekend
July 31st-August 2nd, 2009
The Heritage Resort & Spa
Southbury, CT
Only 90 minutes from NYC!
Presentations include:
Topic: Genesis & the Blueprints of Creation: From Cosmic Bigness to Quantum Smallness
Speaker: Stuart Weinberg, MD
Topic: Reish Lakish: The Value and Perspective of an O'ker Harim
Speaker: Rabbi Nachman Cohen, PhD; Chairman, Board of Governors, AOJS
Topic: Darwinian Thought in Non-biological Sciences
Speaker: Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg, PhD
Topic: Speed Reading: Using the Myers-Briggs Technique to Know Yourself & Others
Speaker: Naomi Mark, LCSW
Topic: Resolving Conflicts between Science and Religion
Speaker: Jared Plitt, DDS
Topic: Medical Ethical & Halachic Aspects of Advanced Directives
Speaker: Robert Schulman , MD
Topic: Tisha B'Av, Energy Medicine & the Epigenome
Speaker: Heshie Klein, MD
Topic: Enhancing Communications & Relationships at Home & at Work
Speakers: Marcy Schaffer , PhD & Sylvan Schaffer, JD, PhD
Topic: The Truth about the Vaccine Autism Controversy
Speaker: Susan Schulman, MD
Topic: Nachamu, Nachamu, Tell Me a Story: Stories of Wisdom that Build Relationships
Speaker: Chana-Chaya Klein, MSEd
Topic: Good Relationships: Searching for Support & Comfort in Hard Times
Speaker: Rabbi Tsvi Blanchard, PhD
Topic: Pay or Pray: Ethics of Organ Transplant Compensation
Speaker: Allen J. Bennett, MD
Topic: Was Birchas HaChamah Recited on the Right Day? Rambam on Astronomy & the Luach
Speaker: Jeremy Wertheimer, PhD
Topic: Logic Bubble & Objective Truth Seeker: How to Analyze Beliefs
Speaker: Zev Greenblatt, BS
Symposium: A Torah-Informed Evaluation of Darwin's Theory of Evolution
Topic: Theology of Randomness: A Torah Perspective on the Theory of Evolution
Speaker: Rav Moshe Tendler, PhD
Topic: An Evolving Theory: From Darwin to the Present
Speaker: Avi Rosenberg, PhD
Topic: Computing Phylogenetic Trees from Sequence Similarities
Speaker: Jeremy Wertheimer, PhD
Topic: Evolution of Man's Psychology
Speaker: Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, PhD
Panel Discussion:
Avi Rosenberg, PhD
Moshe D. Tendler, PhD
Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, PhD
Jeremy Wertheimer, PhD
Moderator: Nisan Hershkowitz, DDS
Special Singles' Program directed by Naomi Mark, LCSW & Aryela Rosenberg, DDS
You need not be a scientist to attend!
Double Occupancy: $375/person ALL TAXES & GRATUITIES INCLUDED!
Single Occupancy: $550/ person ALL TAXES & GRATUITIES INCLUDED!
KIDS UNDER 5 ARE FREE!
Register now! Limited availability! Over 80% of rooms already sold!
Contact: (718) 969-3669 or nachamu@aojs.org
AOJS National Office:
Rabbi Yossi Bennett, Executive Director
1011 Moss Place, Lawrence, NY 11559
__._,_.___
Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) Start
Just What is Off the Derech
I'm a realist in most things. I recognize that even with the best of intentions, even with the best of education and chizuk to keep our kids "on the derech," things can go wrong. Sometimes you can pinpoint why a particular person decides that being frum is no longer for them; many times you cannot. But just what is it that we mean when we talk about going off the derech?
Let me illustrate why I'm not sure what that means when others use the term. An acquaintance and I found ourselves together recently. For a few moments we did the "polite" thing and caught up generally on our families. She decided to unload and I guess I was handy. One of her daughters went off the derech, her term. She is bitter, to say the least. She is taking the whole thing very personally. She is upset by what this is doing to her other children. She cannot stand the looks she knows she is getting from others in her community. People cannot seem to look her straight in the face. Not just bitter, but angry too. And then she gets weepy. How will she ever have this couple in her home for a Shabbos or Yom Tov or for a simcha? She will never be able to go to her daughter on these occasions either. Fortunately, as she put it, the daughter is living in California now so at least she isn't flaunting herself here in NY.
I excused myself as soon as was humanly possible because the negative vibes were really making me uncomfortable. While leaving the room I ran into another acquaintance who told me that she noticed I was talking to person X. Then she told me to take anything she told me with a grain of salt. Yup, I was puzzled. And even though I really, really didn't want or need to know any of this I got cornered and told the "real" story. Yes, the daughter went off the derech, if by derech is meant the road her parents were traveling on. That road was the black hat road, the college only if it's Touro and even better would be one of the diploma mills road. That road was the no Internet road, no secular books road. That road was the stockings/tights at all times and black skirt road. We've seen that road before; some of you may even travel on it at times.
So which road did the daughter move onto? She is traveling what some would identify as the MO Turnpike. She has ditched the uniform, although she doesn't wear pants or sleeveless. She goes to movies now or watches them on cable. She has the Internet. She's attending a college in California for a graduate degree as a Physician's Assistant. Her hubby doesn't wear the black hat lavush. He wears jeans. He wears a srugie. His tzitzit are tucked inside his pants. He davens nusach ashkenaz. He went to a day school, not a yeshiva.
Driving home I think to myself that things have really gotten screwed up in Klal if this is what is considered going off the derech, if this is what has some parents wailing and almost to the point of tearing kriah. No, I imagine it might not be comfortable for family members of wide diversity to find a neutral ground for some occasions. But just how is any of this going off the derech? We really must find another term to use if our children are different in their religious observance than we are. If we don't, I can see how telling a child who is different religiously over and over that he/she is off the derech just might actually push them off that derech on to a derech we might like even less.
Let me illustrate why I'm not sure what that means when others use the term. An acquaintance and I found ourselves together recently. For a few moments we did the "polite" thing and caught up generally on our families. She decided to unload and I guess I was handy. One of her daughters went off the derech, her term. She is bitter, to say the least. She is taking the whole thing very personally. She is upset by what this is doing to her other children. She cannot stand the looks she knows she is getting from others in her community. People cannot seem to look her straight in the face. Not just bitter, but angry too. And then she gets weepy. How will she ever have this couple in her home for a Shabbos or Yom Tov or for a simcha? She will never be able to go to her daughter on these occasions either. Fortunately, as she put it, the daughter is living in California now so at least she isn't flaunting herself here in NY.
I excused myself as soon as was humanly possible because the negative vibes were really making me uncomfortable. While leaving the room I ran into another acquaintance who told me that she noticed I was talking to person X. Then she told me to take anything she told me with a grain of salt. Yup, I was puzzled. And even though I really, really didn't want or need to know any of this I got cornered and told the "real" story. Yes, the daughter went off the derech, if by derech is meant the road her parents were traveling on. That road was the black hat road, the college only if it's Touro and even better would be one of the diploma mills road. That road was the no Internet road, no secular books road. That road was the stockings/tights at all times and black skirt road. We've seen that road before; some of you may even travel on it at times.
So which road did the daughter move onto? She is traveling what some would identify as the MO Turnpike. She has ditched the uniform, although she doesn't wear pants or sleeveless. She goes to movies now or watches them on cable. She has the Internet. She's attending a college in California for a graduate degree as a Physician's Assistant. Her hubby doesn't wear the black hat lavush. He wears jeans. He wears a srugie. His tzitzit are tucked inside his pants. He davens nusach ashkenaz. He went to a day school, not a yeshiva.
Driving home I think to myself that things have really gotten screwed up in Klal if this is what is considered going off the derech, if this is what has some parents wailing and almost to the point of tearing kriah. No, I imagine it might not be comfortable for family members of wide diversity to find a neutral ground for some occasions. But just how is any of this going off the derech? We really must find another term to use if our children are different in their religious observance than we are. If we don't, I can see how telling a child who is different religiously over and over that he/she is off the derech just might actually push them off that derech on to a derech we might like even less.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Things to be Thankful for on Thursday
I am both grateful and thankful that all my kids are legally adults. I'm particularly thankful today that they no longer attend day camp. My friend's daughter and her grandchildren arrived to her home last night with one of those "joys" of childhood: they had won 4 goldfish in a camp game. Of course, their Babi being the authority on all things swimming, they brought the fish to her. She dutifully searched around to find a container for them and got them settled in. Having no fish food around any longer, she put in a few bread crumbs. And yes, her grandchildren decided to leave the fish with Babi so she would have company. And yes, this morning when my friend checked on the gold fish, one was floating belly up in the water.
Where is my friend now? Heading out to get the proper food and equipment to house the fish. She is determined, however, that the fish are going to go live with her daughter's family. As she put it: "Every mother needs to become adept at performing goldfish funerals. It's a rite of passage."
What we'd both like to understand is why schools and camps think that giving out live goldfish is something positive. The fish never come with instructions for care. They don't come with food. There is an assumption that every house will have just the right container to house the fish. Those goldfish engender discussions about life and death that the moms/kids just may not be ready for yet. I put my foot down and said "no more!" when one such fish, while my kids were eating breakfast not 3 feet away from it, leaped out of its bowl and fell between the dishwasher and the cabinet, where I could not get to it. Watching that fish commit suicide was not on my agenda of "what to talk to the kids about."
Couldn't the kids just be given stickers as prizes?!!!
Where is my friend now? Heading out to get the proper food and equipment to house the fish. She is determined, however, that the fish are going to go live with her daughter's family. As she put it: "Every mother needs to become adept at performing goldfish funerals. It's a rite of passage."
What we'd both like to understand is why schools and camps think that giving out live goldfish is something positive. The fish never come with instructions for care. They don't come with food. There is an assumption that every house will have just the right container to house the fish. Those goldfish engender discussions about life and death that the moms/kids just may not be ready for yet. I put my foot down and said "no more!" when one such fish, while my kids were eating breakfast not 3 feet away from it, leaped out of its bowl and fell between the dishwasher and the cabinet, where I could not get to it. Watching that fish commit suicide was not on my agenda of "what to talk to the kids about."
Couldn't the kids just be given stickers as prizes?!!!
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