On School Supplies

Stores all over our area have been busy touting the sale of school supplies already beginning in July. It matters not what type of store--they all get on the school supply bandwagon. Of course, what many of them think of as "incredible sales" and what I think of that way have no relationship. School supply selling is just one more item in the calendar of seasonal sales, and it's big business at that.

But with all the hoopla about this season's must have back pack or rollaway, with all the stress on having just the right pen or notebook or folder, we've lost sight of the most important item that needs to be "purchased" and "packed" for school--attitude.

It's not what shiny new items you bring with you to class that will determine your success in school; it's how you mentally and emotionally view school. View school as something that you have to do and if you just take a deep breath and plog on you will persevere until you can be freed again in June and you're going to have a self-fulfilling prophecy of a year--you'll be miserable for 9 months but then freedom will beckon. If that's the attitude then all the fancy crayons, all the multi-hued markers in the world are just thrown out money.

Where can you "buy" the right attitude? Sorry, it's not sold in the stores but is strictly home-made. For younger students and yes, even some older students, that attitude is a family project. When a family is planning a trip to somewhere, excited talk permeates the house. There is wondering about what will be seen/done on the trip. There is anticipation that the trip will be a great experience. Smiles break out at the thought of the treats to come. Now mention that school is starting in a few weeks and watch the faces fall all around the table. The same sense of excitement that a trip to Orlando and elsewhere generates is obviously absent.

For many, there is the attitude that school is a type of forced work. All that is required is to keep remembering that this, too, shall pass. Many a parent that has commiserated with his or her children about the onset of school. Many a parent who's approach is to say that school is something we have to do, are forced to do, so just go and try and find something good there. Something good there? As if school is some great garbage pile in which there might, just might be a buried treasure somewhere?

I seem to be an oddity--I love being in a classroom. Taking courses for me is all about possibility and delight. Even with the strangest of teachers and the most esoteric of subject matter, I always manage to find items that delight me, that catch my imagination, that get me thinking. Yes, even in the most boring of lectures I always manage to find at least one nugget of gold. But that may be because I expect that those nuggets will be there, and I go in like a prospector with a pick axe and determination. And yes, like a prospector, I dream that I might stumble upon a vein of exposed gold laying open before me, or a cache of diamonds strewn on the ground where I can easily pick them up. And like that same prospector I understand that those exposed veins and those diamonds just laying there are not the norm but the exception. Prospecting for gold or for rare gems takes work, a whole lot of sweat equity. And it also takes time.

I've tried to instill in my own children a love for the process of learning. School is not a prison--serve your time, slog through and they'll give you freedom at the end. School is that pristine mountain range just ripe for exploration and discovery. Those peaks are filled with treasures to discover. But I've also tried to teach the practical: it takes work and effort to bring those treasures to light. You know that old saw: Rome wasn't built in a day. Well, obtaining an education doesn't happen in one day either. It's a long process, sometimes hard, but the end results are more than worth it.

So please, while you are being busy with buying school supplies, take some time, a lot of time, in laying the foundation for success in school for your kids. Work on establishing the right attitude towards school. Sparkle and smile and wax poetic if need be about the possibilities that await your children in the new school year. Remind them, and yourself as well, that anything worth having is worth working/fighting for. And an education is definitely something worth having.

This year make sure that a positive attitude gets packed before you fill up your child's backpack with what are really non-essentials. It's not which pen goes into that pack that will determine how good a school year your child will have--it's all about the right attitude.

A Time Out

The blog will be on its own through next week as hubby and I fly the coop. I hope that you all stay healthy and happy during this time and that all the news is going to be good news.

Three Days...Heaven or Hell? You choose.

This year yom tov falls out so that it heads into Shabbos, giving us what we refer to as "three-day" yom tov. For some people, the groans have already started regarding this. There are a number of complaints of the "practical" variety, and a number that aren't.

In the practical vein, you might hear that shopping, preparing and storing the amount of food needed puts a strain on resources. You might hear that eating seven festive meals in three days strains our ability to provide something different at each meal. You'll hear that eating that many large meals in close order is not healthy and results in upset digestive systems, never mind weight gain. I've heard, when the calendar has come out like this, that we're going to run out of clothes before we run out of yom tov.

Then there is the following: spending three days together with no chance for a respite has the makings of a stick of dynamite with a lit match next to it. As much as families may love each other, un-relieved proximity can be mentally/emotionally wearing. Maybe you might, perhaps, make it through Rosh Hashanah packed in together, but by the time you reach the last days of Sukkot there are some whose attitudes can best be described as desperate to get it all over with.

I have heard before how some people miss Shabbos when the calendar comes out like this. When it comes as the tag-end of yom tov, for some its specialness is lost.

And yet, I have also heard those who look forward to these three-day occurrences. They love the idea of being together with family for an extended time period. They love the idea of sitting down at the table together for many meals instead of only a few. They love the idea that Shabbos has company, two connected joyous celebrations.

What makes the attitudes so different when it comes to a three-day yom tov? I believe a lot of it is in how we prepare ourselves for those three days, practically and emotionally. Yes, having X number of people in one house for three days could lead to some friction--so what have you done to prepare for that contingency? How can you build in some "neutral corners" and some private or down time? As to the practical, what can you do now, ahead, so that you aren't extra frazzled in those few days before yom tov starts and on yom tov itself?

Then ask yourself this: is it really necessary to have seven different menus for those seven meals? Is it really necessary that all dishes at any given meal be different from those served at a different meal? Before you make up those yom tov menus ask yourself the really hard question: are you looking to impress someone or to feed someone?

How our families will get through yom tov will depend in large part on how the balabusta in the house sets things up. A little thinking now can avoid a lot of bad feelings later on. Do you really want the only statement you can make after all the holidays are over to be "I lived through it"? You want a heavenly holiday? What you do between now and then, the plans you make, any chores taken care of now, spending some time in thought, can truly make the difference between heaven and hell. Your choice.

On Being Fortunate Beyond Measure

Hashem has given my siblings and me an incredible gift: our mother is still with us, ken yirbu. I know myself to be oh so fortunate that every day I can pick up a phone and speak to her, business as usual.

Today is Ima's birthday, her 88th, and we look at this number with deep thanks to Hashem for having blessed us in this way. So many of our friends and family are yesomim, and they look at my mom's presence as the wonder it is.

What can you give an amazing woman who is used to giving, not taking, and who will tell you and mean it that she has everything she wants or needs when her family is around her? The simple words "I love you mommy" are worth more to her than the most priceless jewel ever found.

So Ima, the happiest of birthdays. May Hashem shower you with his blessings and keep you safe and whole, for your sake and yes, for ours. May you be zocheh to arichas yomim, and may we be deemed meritorious enough to keep you with us ad mayoh v'esrim.

Media Objectivity? In What World!

Yet again the media are showing that the words fair and objective cannot be applied to them. We now have the case of Elias Abuelazam, a serial killer, whom the media are identifying as Israeli. So, what comes to your mind immediately when you hear the word Israeli? That's right, Jew. And that connection isn't an accidental one on the part of the media. It's what they want you to think.

Only it happens that Abuelazam is an Arab Christian who just happens to live in Israel. That's not the picture the media want you getting. Amazing how they can spell the word Arab when it suits their purposes, particularly when they want to show those "poor" Arabs as the victims of Israeli/Jewish aggression. But let the shoe be shown to be on the other foot and suddenly they find that Israeli is just the right word to use. Do they truly believe that the whole world is that dumb?! Apparently they do.

For the Rebbetzin's Husband's take, go to

http://rechovot.blogspot.com/

The Known and the Unknown

We live in the information age--never before have so many known about so much. And yet, for those Jews who are descendants of Holocaust survivors, there is so much that we don't know. A whole lot of those who were the survivors of the chorbon in Europe did not talk about 1)their experiences during the war and 2)about life as it was lived before the war. For some families, there are huge gaps in their personal mesorah.

For many, the pain of what they had lost was simply too great, and talking about any of it, even the parts that were good before the war, exacerbated that pain. They were trying to forget, not remember. Many of the children of these survivors have minimal knowledge about what their parents' lives were like, if even a minimum. Clearly their grandchildren and great grandchildren may have even less knowledge. My in laws for the most part fell in this camp. As my husband mentioned recently, if it weren't for the fact that he knows that he was named for his parents' fathers, he wouldn't have known their names. His parents didn't give the kids a full genealogy of all the family, beyond the members who survived and were around. Any info about his parents' growing up years was really hit or miss. I remember one Pesach after dinner when my mil and my mom were at the table and my mom began asking my mil questions about what life was like for her growing up. Somehow that question and answer session lasted for hours, and my mil admitted that it was the first time that she had ever mentioned some of the things she was talking about.

And then there were those who did talk about life in Europe. Even here there were two camps: those who spoke of life only pre-War and those who would also share their war experiences. As we were growing up, my mom and her sister told us all myriad stories about their growing up years. They shared memories of what life was like day to day. They talked about what Shabbos and yom tov were like. They told us about the neighbors, about the friends, about communal life in their town. They told us about school. In short, they tried as best they could to give us some connection to a time and place that we would never experience ourselves. They were particularly good at making the family members come alive.

They did not, however, talk about their camp experiences during the war, beyond perhaps mentioning the names of camps that they were interred in and when. It was only when I was much older that my mom opened up to me about those experiences. I have some 12 hours of tapes of my mom speaking about all the particulars. My dad, on the other hand, would gladly talk about his life before the war and never once mentioned anything about his war-time experiences.

That Holocaust generation has become a tiny one now. So many of the personal experiences of that generation are going to remain unknown to us, their descendants, unless we act quickly, and act now. Don't wait to be told--ask now! Distance has given some of these survivors the ability to speak in a freer fashion than was the case many decades ago, but someone has to be willing to listen. You want to know about where you came from? It's not just a matter of genetics but also one of upbringing, of experiences. Jewish history is not just what is written about in a textbook somewhere. Each of us, and those who came before us, are part of that fabric. If we want to keep that fabric strong and resilient, we need to have all the threads woven in. And for those who are lucky enough to have had family members who were willing to talk to them, don't count on your memories alone to pass down your family mesorah--put it in writing, so that future generations will have the knowledge of who they are descended from, and not just the names.

In English we have the statement "The saddest words are 'It might have been.'" Don't let that apply to you. If you still have family members living with knowledge of that long ago Europe and the events of the times, both personal and historical, NOW is the time to gather together and find out all about where you came from.

Children and Money

Many parents have debated the idea of allowances for their children.

First, they question the whole idea of giving children money that is unearned or not for a special occasion such as a birthday. The key argument parents use against allowances in this instance is that the children will get used to having all their needs met without any input of their own, of relying on handouts rather than their own efforts.

Second, there are parents who tie the giving of an allowance to the doing of household chores. In short, the kids are being paid to do these chores. Those who are against allowances based this way point out that children are just as much a part of a family as parents are, and that all parts of a family have to work--without payment--for the benefit of the whole family. Nobody pays dad to mow the lawn or pays mom to cook dinner so why should dad pay junior to mow the lawn or mom pay him to cook dinner? Those who do believe in tying allowances to the doing of chores believe that it is good practice for when the children are grown up; they will understand that money comes to them only when they make an effort, only when they earn it.

Some parents recognize that there are expenses, albeit small ones, that even small children could incur. Those expenses might occur weekly or only occasionally. It may be more convenient for all concerned to have that money given on a regular basis so that both parents and children can plan for it.

I'm one of those parents who is in favor of allowances, and we gave them to our children until they reached the point of being able to provide some/most/all of the money needed on their own. We considered it as chinuch for the kids of a positive sort. They received X amount of money and they needed to cover Y with that money. It was a perfect time to discuss budgeting, savings, delayed gratification and planning for the future. (See my previous posting on home checking accounts.)

And yes, the kids "earned" their allowances. Not for making their beds--that was a requirement. Not for clearing off their individual dishes after a meal--again a requirement. We had a list up on the fridge of "extra" jobs that could earn stars, which translated into "earning" their allowances. What kinds of jobs were they? Jobs that benefited the entire family. Setting the table and bringing all food items to it. Clearing off all dishes and food items from a family meal. Loading all dishes into the dishwasher or unloading and putting away the clean dishes.Gathering together the whole family's dirty laundry and taking it down to the laundry room. Folding everyone's socks. Vacuuming the living/dining room. Watering the plants in the living room. For somewhat older children, mowing the lawn or raking leaves. Yes, even polishing certain pieces of silver. And yes, even a five year old can use a scrub brush and clean out the toilet.

What any individual set of parents might be willing to pay an allowance for is up to them. For those who are inclined to give children an allowance, based on whatever they choose to base it, that allowance allows for an early discussion on finances and how money can/should be apportioned. It takes some of the "magic" out of the appearance of money in their hands. The discussion of money--how to use it/save it wisely--should start young if we want good habits to take hold.