Let's Use Drugs

The following was sent to me via email. Sorry, I don't know who to credit as author, but I thank them heartily. Note: update--author information in the comments below.

FDA approves new drug for the annoyingly religious

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK - The first ever prescription heretic drug hit the shelves today. Approved by the FDA last month, Apikorex is intended as a treatment for the approximately one million Jews who are insufferably religious. Tests prove that the drug is effective at reducing a range of symptoms, from having a heart attack when discovering a woman within a five mile radius is wearing stockings whose thickness is insufficient and shouting
"You'll burn in Gehenom for that," to excessive demands of glatt kosher meals after being imprisoned for molesting children.

Dr. Yeruchem Genukshoyn calls the drug a huge step forward in the battle against uber-religiousness. "If you're in a religious mood every so often," he says, "that's good, that's normal. This is for those who have a persistent makpid-checking outlook on life."

Chava Frumstein of Kiryas Joel began participating in a clinical trial of Apikorex six weeks ago. "I was always telling people to cover their ankles," she says, "Telling them their wrists were exposed. And that was just the men." Chava says she never knew how her annoyingly religious attitude was affecting those around her. "Over and over I'd ask my husband to check and check, recheck, and rerecheck the vegetables for bugs, no matter how many times he said no," says Chava. "She was always going on about those damn bugs," says her henpecked husband, Molech, "I didn't know if there was anything I could do to help her." "I used to think," Chava prattles on, "why am I the only one who cares how far away the water was that was used to bake matzah? Now I realize I was sick, I needed treatment."

Chava says the drug may have saved her marriage. "Now," whines Chava, "Molech and I can sit on the couch and not talk to each other, just because it's wonderful to be able to do that." Dr. Genukshoyn adds, "We have to erase the stigma attached with getting help to psychotically religious Jews. Real medical help. You know what it's like to be around these people? It's pretty [expletive] annoying."

Doctors estimate that Apikorex could reduce by about 40% the amount of money funneled from fathers-in-law to children who refuse to work because Moshiach is coming and we need to be prepared with as much Torah as possible.