I say this as a parent--it's not easy letting children go. We spend years worrying about every aspect of these children's lives, being intimately involved with them and then BOOM! Suddenly those children are adults. They do adult things like get married and start raising families. And some parents can't seem to see that their role in their children's lives has changed. They can't let go.
Many of our friends and family have children who don't live in the same communities where they were brought up. In point of fact many have children living across the country, the continent and the world. No, it's not easy for them as parents and grandparents. They'd love to see the kids more often, but every get together requires a trip, not just a scooting around the corner. But the kids made the decisions to live where they do, and the parents stepped back.
The kids are living in these far flung corners for a lot of reasons. For some, the school they are attending or the yeshiva they are learning in is there. For others, the in laws may live in this place. For still others a job opportunity may have presented itself. There are some who are drawn to a particular community because it appeals to something they value, even if not necessarily what their parents value. And for yet others there has been the realization that they cannot afford to live where their parents live. There are things they would like to do and to own and they won't be able to have their own dreams come true if they stay in their parents' community.
Is there a parent reading this who does not hope that his/her child will someday be able to own a house of their own? Call home ownership a luxury if you must but it's a luxury that virtually all of us want, and which our parents want for us as well. It's an attainable luxury for lots of people, but sometimes you have to shift your focus to attain it. Sometimes you are going to have to look at the size and scale of the house you want and reduce that size. Sometimes you are going to have to look at what things cost in a particular neighborhood and honestly recognize that you can't afford that neighborhood, so you are going to have to relocate that dream house to someplace other than where you'd love it to be.
On my husband's side we have 6 married nieces and nephews. Their parents live in Midwood/Flatbush. Only one of the 6 lives in Brooklyn altogether, and he is first in the midst of buying a house now (and no, not right in the middle of all the action either) after many years of marriage. The others are spread out across NY and NJ, and no, not in Bergen County either. One niece married a Jersey boy and he didn't want to leave Jersey so there they are. But not in BC, where his parents resided. They looked at their finances, they looked at the neighborhoods available and they bought where they could afford to buy. I'm not saying this was easy on the parents, but they recognized something that other parents need to also recognize: money makes the world go round. Wanting something is not the same as getting it.
Someone over yom tov marvelled that another friend would "allow" her kids to move half way across the country. It's really more than time to remove that word "allow" from a parent's vocabulary as applied to married children. In a perfect world nothing would cost more than we could afford, and we could afford everything we want. We don't have that perfect world. Instead of encouraging our children to beggar themselves because they have to live where we live and live the lifestyle we live, we ought to be looking at reality and saying "It hurts, but my kids have to go where they can afford to live BY THEIR OWN EFFORTS." In short parents, it's time we were part of the solution, not the problem.
Just a thought: and if communities are worried about their future viability, they might give some thought to just what community practices are pricing young couples out of that community, things like yeshiva tuition and lifestyle expectations.
9 comments:
"Someone over yom tov marvelled that another friend would "allow" her kids to move half way across the country."
like i've said before, the tuition crisis is the mothers-in-law's fault.
"if communities are worried about their future viability, they might give some thought to just what community practices are pricing young couples out of that community"
apparently communities can't do much to reign in tuition. and the other major expense, housing, is itself somewhat relative to the stabiility and vitality of the community. so anything to make the community more stable and vital (and hence desirable) will drive up prices further.
i had to think where to place that plural apostrophe. did i get it right?
LoZ: seems to me that you got it just right, although (nitpick alert!) I think you meant "possessive apostrophe," not "plural apostrophe:" "mothers-in-law" is the plural, and irregular plurals take an apostrophe-s at the end for possessive forms (e.g., "The People's Court).
Is there a parent reading this who does not hope that his/her child will someday be able to own a house of their own?
*Raises hand.* I'm probably the extreme exception, but as a third-generation renter, I've never felt the need to own a home.
I'm a few years away from having the children leave the home (our 4-year-old bechor is quite advanced, but not quite that advanced), but I've long since taken to heart Stephen Sondheim's aphorism from Into the Woods: "Children can only go from something you love to something you lose," as well as Gen. 2:24.
For me, this idea resonates even more strongly as each passing week increases the odds against our Aliyah dreams: my dream for my children is that they grow to be b'nei torah and ba'alei mitzvot, and that, if they fall in love with eretz yisrael, they go there and never leave.
The apostrophe looks just fine LoZ but I think you got the person to blame wrong or at least 50% wrong. It's the fathers-in-law who are responsible for the tuition crisis or at least equally as responsible as their wives. They are the ones who are shelling out the dough to keep the kids living close by instead of saying "don't count on me, do it yourself." You think it's only mothers who can't let go and who hang on? Behind almost all of those mothers is a father egging her on or cheering "you tell 'em!"
EFFREX:
yes, i meant possessive (of plural)
i checked my chicago manual. it prefers using genetive "of" in problmetic plural compounds such of mothers-in-law. i.e., i should have written, "the fault of mothers-in-law"
TRUDY:
the situation you describe is not the worst one. as least in that case the in-laws are helping out and contributing to the ability of the kids to remain nearby. (whether this is the best decision is the in-laws' business). there is no impending "crisis" there (unless this impacts paying for tuition for younger kids, etc.). the bigger problem are in-laws who expect their kids to remain close but are unable to or don't make this viable.
(EFFREX: from the father of a 5-year-old to the father of a 4-year-old, i hate to break it to you, but the dream doesn't become more realistic as the bechor goes from 4to 5)
You're correct that some parents just cannot let go of their adult kids. I'm sure we all know parents like that. But could we be a little fair? Parents are not the only ones with influence on their children. Sometimes I wonder if we are really even the main influence any more. Yeshivas have to share some of the blame.
Know many yeshivas that would encourage students to live on what they can make, where they can make it if that would mean leaving the immediate vicinity of the yeshiva? Go ahead and name me one yeshiva that has ever told its students that responsible use of money comes before living where you can send your kids to their yeshiva. Yeshivas are interested in keeping any future donations right in their own pockets, not in the pockets of some other place. And don't discount just how much influence those schools have over the kids as they are considering getting married and getting married.
Wait... we're blaming the yeshivos now? For this? Seriously?
Go ahead and name me one yeshiva that has ever told its students that responsible use of money comes before living where you can send your kids to their yeshiva. Yeshivas are interested in keeping any future donations right in their own pockets, not in the pockets of some other place.
I would expect a yeshiva to be extremely interested in keeping future donations in their own pockets. What are your expectations, that a yeshiva should say "no thank you, we're fine, but why don't you spread your money around to someone else?" A couple chooses to live and to stay in a neighborhood that they can not afford. The yeshiva doesn't demand that they move out since they can't afford the neighborhood (somehow, the yeshiva is the best judge of what the family can afford) and therefore, the yeshiva is at fault.
What is going on these days with the blame game? How can this be the yeshiva's fault? What about the responsibility of the couple? Don't they have to take ownership of their own lives?
*shaking my head sadly*
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