That's English for You

Thanks to my sister for calling this to my attention. I decided to save it for after yom tov was over. Most of these are just too good to miss. A few are just that bit over the line, but I'll let you be your own censors.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.

7. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.

10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid
ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.