On Sexual Abuse and Denial in the Community

I have debated long and hard about this posting and whether it was ever going to see the light of day. But recent events, the Hikind/Twerski news, have lead me to overcome any fears about posting.

Today sexual abuse of minors by those in authority over those minors is a well known fact. It happens in the outside world and we know, without any doubts, that it happens in the frum community as well. The media of all types have alerted to this. There is no adult living in the US and elsewhere that has not heard of sexual abuse of a minor. Children are routinely warned not just to not talk to strangers but also about what is appropriate behavior on the part of adults around those kids. Children are taught to know that touching in the "bathing suit" areas is not acceptable.

But nothing has been done in the frum community to address this problem nor to bring those abusers to justice. The criminals are more choshuv to those in positions of authority then the young victims are. Handling the matter internally for these authority figures means shuffling the criminals from one school to a different school, from one city to another city. They sigh in relief when the problem goes NIMBY--not in my backyard. And they sternly warn the families and concerned other people that taking the police/court route is a no-no.

I'd like to vomit all over those who talk of bringing the problem into the open as being a "chillul Hashem." The real chillul Hashem is what these people are doing to our young, precious children. As a mother I can understand why Rabbi Dr. Twerski was scared for his family and resigned from Dov Hikind's commission. But we do have an option of how to deal with this problem since our leaders have shown they are not willing to do so.

I am not a violent person by nature, nor do I come from a violent family. I believe in the rule of law and justice. That being said, I also believe in "midoh k'neged midoh." I believe that there are times and situations where it is the fool who does not answer force with force.

When I was a child the shamas of our shul was a holocaust survivor. He and his wife were a bit older than my parents and were childless. They always seemed to dote on the children in the shul. He was also the candyman in shul so where he went the children would follow. One yom tov morning when I was 6 I went with two friends to play in the social hall in the basement of the shul. Mr. M was there and we ran over to ask for a piece of candy. It was something that every child in the shul had done before. Please keep in mind that when I was 6 no one but no one was discussing child abuse. No one was warning children about inappropriate sexual behavior on the part of adults towards children. You never saw or heard news of this in the media. Had you said "child abuse" to someone they would have asked you what that meant. So my friends got their piece of candy and then it was my turn. And this fiend cloaked in piety said that he had something even better for me then candy and if I was a "good girl" and did what he wanted that I would get two pieces of candy. And then he exposed himself to me. And my guardian angel prompted me to say no and to run and join my friends upstairs.

I cannot at this point in time recount exactly how I was feeling after this. I do know that it was unexpected and that my parents had never discussed this with me--no parents were discussing this back then. And I didn't run to my mom to tell her about it either. But it clearly must have been puzzling me. We were sleeping over at my aunt's house that night and after the seder was over I wasn't falling asleep all that readily. My mom came over to me to tell me to go to sleep already and out of nowhere I said to my mom "Mr. M showed me his____in shul today." My mom carefully asked if that was all he had done, just shown it to me. When I answered "yes," she tucked me in and that was the end of the discussion, at least as far as I was concerned. But in the dining room I could hear the angry voices of my parents and my aunt and uncle and I was concerned that they were having a fight. Little did I know.

There were no legal precedents to follow and no earnest community leaders to consult. My dad and my uncle took care of the problem like the horrified and enraged parents they were: they went to Mr. M's house and beat the crap out of him. They warned him that he had better find a new job. They told him they would be watching every breath he took. And when the shul moved that year Mr. M was no longer the shamas. Until the move he no longer had candy in his pocket and no longer was anywhere that the kids were.

I first found out what had transpired years later, when I was far more adult and when talking about these things perhaps came a little bit easier for my mom. I was one of the lucky ones--there were no lasting affects because of what Mr. M did. Society had not made this an everyday issue to scare kids with. But what did remain with me ad hayom is that my dad and my uncle were the best parent and uncle in the world, because whatever would happen to me they would protect me. I didn't have to fear monsters because they had my back.

Our leaders are impotent? They refuse to deal with the reality in front of them? They reply to those who would deal with this reality with threats? Then gentlemen what are you waiting for? Those are YOUR children these depraved pieces of dreck are abusing. They are all of our children. It's not the right way to handle things, it's not the frum way, it's not the halachic way you say? And is doing nothing while our children suffer any more frum or any more halachic? I have always said and fully believe that I would take a bullet in protecting my children. So what about you guys out there--would you throw a punch to protect your child?

And here is what else I bet will be the outcome if just one parent and his family or friends paid a "visit" to one of these monsters: the news would get out, even if whispered secretly in dark corners. And these monsters would know that their free reign of terror was going to be toppled. And our leaders just might have to finally do the right thing, to bring this out in the open and finally condemn these people for what they are.

My father never brought up this incident with me. It was not something a father would talk to his daughter about back then. My father is no longer living but I would still like to thank him now. I had a perfectly normal childhood and grew to be a perfectly healthy, normal adult because that one incident was just that: a one-time occurrence that did not haunt the rest of my life. He saw to that. Violent behavior? Is it violent to crush the serpent that strikes you, or to stomp out the vermin that threaten you? In this particular case and given that our leadership are sniveling cowards, then no, it's not violent: it's the only response that has been left to us.