Sunday, September 21, 2008

Just When I Think I've Heard It All

There seems to be no such thing as getting completely out of the shidduch redding business. I'm not actively looking for "new customers" but there are still some of my "old" ones I'm still keeping in mind. But two shidduch incidences that happened this week and weekend lead me to wonder yet again about why sane people volunteer to red shidduchim.

#1: A friend with whom I used to actively brainstorm for shidduchim called me up all excitedly because she found a man for a woman I've been working with for some time. He sounded absolutely perfect. He didn't care that she was in her 30s, he wasn't particularly makpid on "great" looks, he wasn't looking for a size 2. "All" he wanted was a woman who was going to want to live in Israel, who was educated and had a profession that would translate over to working in Israel, and who was sincere in her frumkeit, and he didn't spell that out in ten million words either. I quickly double checked that the woman was still available and gave my friend the go ahead to red the shidduch to the man. Sigh. My non-fussy man turned down the shidduch. Why? Because he didn't like the woman's name--he wanted a wife with a Hebrew first name, not a Yiddish name.

#2: Man who is in early 40s and woman in mid 30s. Shidduch is red through one of the shadchanim on one of the frum online sites. Man agrees to call the woman. His shidduch bio states he is 5'10" tall. Woman is 5'8" plus. During the first phone call he tells her "I'm 5'10" so don't wear high heels on the date." Sigh. Then the man, a resident of Brooklyn who is going to be taking the woman out in Brooklyn, basically tells her to plan the date and then let him know so he can say yes or no. The woman is not happy but she agrees to this date anyway. The date was supposed to be today, Sunday. Last night at 11:00 PM the man calls the woman and tells her "I've been giving it some thought and I don't think we should go out," cancels the date and hangs up.

Please, somebody, anybody, if you know of some people (okay, males in this case) whose objections and actions are similar to those mentioned above, could you be a good friend/neighbor/relative and tell them that it is not a dearth of "good" women that may be keeping them from getting married?

9 comments:

Anonymously said...

There's that saying about how there is no fool like an old fool. You'd think that after so many years of dating someone would learn something about the process. A guy in his 40s who can't plan a first date?

Mike S said...

However, this silliness isn't new, and it dosn't all go one way. How many women would refuse to date a shorter guy? I have heard it often. I recall one friend from college; I kept hearing the girls say things like "He'd be a great catch except he's only 5' 2".

Tzivi said...

I think we need a new reality tv show called "Frum Dating NY Style." They say that truth is stranger then fiction but I don't think the regular world is ready yet to accept just how much stranger truth is. And it's the men and women. My brother went out with a woman who took out a sanitizing wipe and wiped down the silverware in the restaurant before she would use it. When my brother ordered a salad with dinner she spent 15 minutes outlining for him all the bodily functions that some person working in the fields took care of on the veggies and she was sure that the restaurant was not disinfecting the salad either.

mlevin said...

I have a male cousin (37) who's been dating since he was 26. It seems he can't find anyone.

Well, a few weeks ago my husband and I were strolling along the bay as we often do on Friday night and here we see my cousin walking with a girl. We stopped to say hello, but since it was an obvious date we didn't tardy and went our separate ways.

A few days later, I managed to get in touch with this cousin and started asking him about the girl. If that was his first date and if he liked her and etc. Well, he told me the following story.

She's a nice girl and very perfect for him and all and every way, but they've been having a stupid fight and he's not sure if it will last. "Why are you fighting?", I asked since he's not the fighting type. Well, it seems that he forgot the date of their first date and she ended up waiting for him for nothing. For their second date he assumed that she'll meet him outside, but she was waiting for his phone call, so their second date started on a sour note. For a third date I'm not sure exactly what happened, but they ended up meeting half an hour late. Now, he doesn't know if she would see him again...

No wonder he's still single at his age.

Bas~Melech said...

The first one needs to get a grip. Maybe remind him that if he marries someone with a yiddish name, they can give their kids any Hebrew name he wants. ;-)

The second one doesn't sound so much like silliness to me as much as underlying psychological issues. He will not get married until he works out whatever's stopping him.

Wouldn't surprise me if the first one needs help, too.

Lion of Zion said...

i couldn't see myself using one for a child, but that's a ridiculous reason to reject a date.

regarding height (and looks in general), from listening to conversations with people who make shidduchim, it seems that 50% of the criteria involves looks, and it is the more important 50%. on the one hand it's ridiculous that someone would reject a date because a girl (boy) isn't what he's (she's) looking for looks-wise, but i can't blame them. no matter how much we claim otherwise, looks are going to be the basis for the very first impression of someone you've never met before (whether on a date, job interview, etc.). personally i think that this is one of the downsides of not letting singles mix, i.e., they don't get the opportunity to know someone and become interested for reasons other than looks. (although of course even those who do regularly mix with the opposite sex have problems finding mates)

Isaac said...

I know...seriously!

My dad won't let me date the daughter of his longest and most sincere talmid (who also happens to be a close personal family friend) just because he doesn't have the right "yichus".

Elitzur said...

Isaac, fight your father now or else he'll rule the rest of your life...

Anonymous said...

How about revising the story back to how things really happened?

T = True, F = False, MQ = Misquote, (….) = comment

Man who is in early 40s and woman in mid 30s. Shidduch is red through one of the shadchanim on one of the frum online sites. Man agrees to call the woman. His shidduch bio states he is 5'10" tall. (T, so far..) Woman is 5'8" plus. (Profile stated 5’9” 175cm to be exact) During the first phone call he tells her "I'm 5'10" so don't wear high heels on the date." (F, MQ. F, - this happened at end of SECOND call. MQ – Man never told her what to wear or not wear. Man made a joke - Woman responded jokingly in kind. Man couldn’t care less how high her heels were or weren’t) Sigh. Then the man, a resident of Brooklyn who is going to be taking the woman out in Brooklyn, basically tells her to plan the date and then let him know so he can say yes or no (F, pure fabrication. Man and Woman agreed on time & place. Man added that he would inform Woman “If” there would be future changes – the cordial norms of dating).
(F, Whereas:
Man explained that since Woman was not all familiar with Brooklyn and, Whereas:
Woman phoned and opted to change original meeting spot - where Man would actually be traveling - which was agreed upon in FIRST phone call and,
Whereas:
Woman claimed she would be attending a solemn function at specific time in late afternoon and,
Whereas:
Woman was traveling the distance:
Man therefore suggested that Woman choose time And place to fit her schedule and comfort)
......The woman is not happy but she agrees to this date anyway. (subjective: Au contraire: Woman was quite enthusiastic throughout both phone calls) The date was supposed to be today, Sunday (T). Last night at 11:00 PM the man calls the woman and tells her "I've been giving it some (MQ, a lot of) thought and I don't think we should go out," (MQ, “.. it’s a bad idea that we meet…) cancels the date (T) and hangs up (F, Man did not hang up, Woman responded “Okay…., it was nice talking to you” and Man “Same here, Good night”).

So far for the devil in the details

But here’s the catch….

ProfK was fed a story that neglects to point out a couple of major factors. The Woman made several denigrating remarks about the Man in a public forum calling him dumb and indecisive. Those remarks were already known to the Man several days prior to that canceled Sunday. Moreover, Man was aware of other personal issues Woman was dealing with but woman opted not to be forthcoming. Yet, Man had no qualms about meeting Woman until aforementioned expressed remarks.

I know, I was the Man