When I was little, playing with paper dolls was all the rage. Particularly popular were the books with blank body outlines and loads of body parts and accessories so you could customize your doll any way you wanted. You could also customize the doll and accessories using crayons. Not one of us had the exact same doll in our collections. You could also use your imagination and paste onto the doll anything you wanted. One friend made a hula skirt for her doll by painstakingly pasting on blades of grass. She also used foil and wire to give that same doll a space cadet hat. Another friend couldn't decide between blue or brown eyes so her doll had one eye of each color. Some of the dolls were imaginative as all get out.
Today, those starting out in the shidduch parshah, and even some already well entrenched in it, are playing a different version of paper dolls. Instead of crayons and bits of grass, these singles are building paper dolls using pens, words and paper. They spend even more time then I did as a child in creating the most detailed and perfect paper dolls that they can. There is no detail too small to include. They build elaborate histories for their paper dolls, going back many generations to establish the "right" families for their dolls. They know exactly how their paper dolls should think and act. And then these singles go out on a date.
And these doll makers are faced with a real dilemma: real people don't act and think like paper dolls do. They stare at their perfect paper dolls and then look at the breathing human being in front of them and shake their heads in dismay. And they say "next," hoping that the next date will be the perfect clone of their cherished paper dolls.
Here's where my generation differs greatly from today's generation: we knew that our paper dolls were playthings and nothing more than that. We had no expectations that our paper creations were suddenly going to appear in front of us in the flesh. We knew that the make believe worlds we created for our dolls were just that: make believe. And when we got ready for marriage we put our paper dolls away with our other "childish" pursuits and began dating. And we dated mostly without any paper in evidence.
And date by date we began to build a mental and emotional picture of what type of person might make us happy. We observed, we talked, we asked questions, we thought long and hard. And one day our eyes suddenly opened widely, our mouths dropped open and our hearts raced as we realized that standing in front of us was "HIM" or "HER," the "ONE!" We didn't follow exactly cut patterns to get to that point either. We let experience be our teacher and guide.
I dated in the chaotic 60's, and if ever a time period would have lent itself to making crazy decisions, that would have been it. And yet, my generation has far fewer divorces then the generations that followed mine. And maybe one reason for that is that my generation didn't play with paper dolls when it came to getting married. We dated first and decided on what would make us happy based on real life, not some pen and paper fiction. Dating was fun and full of possibilities, not something akin to getting a root canal without Novocaine.
Paper dolls. It's one of the reasons I don't do much by way of making shidduchim any more. Singles arrive with their perfect paper dolls in hand, put them in front of me and say "I want that." And yes, some of those singles get what they believe to be the living incarnation of their paper dolls. And for far too many of them marriage to those "living dolls" turns out to be like a staple saying of my childhood: those marriages are like pie crust promises--easily made and easily broken.
You want to get married? Then it's time to put childhood behind you along with the toys of childhood. Paper dolls should have no place in the adult world of dating, and certainly not in the adult world of marriage.
20 comments:
It's like shopping for any type of item. If you have a preconceived notion in your mind of exactly what the thing you are looking to buy should look like you aren't going to find anything to buy. Does the color of a can opener really have anything to do with how well it will open cans?
I think that's why you hear the words she settled so much--nothing ever matches the exact perfect picture that lots of singles have in their minds.
Fragile is right. My shidduch group has a growing section for young divorcees. And young doesn't mean 30 either.
It's not just singles. Parents also make those paper dolls. And shadchanim don't help because all those crazy questionaires you have to fill out are just another way of making paper dolls. All I really want to know is age, height and a general hashkafa description, but no shadchan will leave it at that.
With all due respect...
It is true that the singles of today have many issues that were perhaps not present in those of your generation, but who exactly raised this generation and who has been shaping their values?
(and please don't say the schools bec that only goes so far and is more of a recent development anyway)(yes, society in general plays a part in this; however, again a child does not decide where it will be raised)
Who has taken a negatively active role in the dating lives of their children than perhaps ever before?
Who has created those vehicles of pen/paper paper dolls?
There is plenty to go around, nobody is beyond reproach here. If you choose not to be active anymore for whatever reason that is well and fine, but please do lay it all at the feet of the dating public.
I started to respond.... it morphed into a post.
Thanks for the incentive.
ALN
I don't know. When I was single I had a pretty clear idea of what my ideal wife would be like. I have been madly in love with someone who doesn't match that description very well for over 3 decades now, and we are still quite happily married.
Perhaps the problem is not so much that people have their criteria. It is first that they expect to adjust people to their fantasy rather than the other way around, and that they insist on doing the comparison before even meeting. A generation ago people often met spontaneously and decided to date, even in what would come to be called the chareidi world. And a shidduch was redt when someone who knew them both thought to themselves, "gee, I think Yanky and Sarah would make a good couple." Not "I have compared lists of criteria and Yanky and Sarah meet each other's top 50 points."
Mike S: That's exactly what happened to us. More specifically, I was set up on a date by a mutual friend, and apparently, the guy returned home after our second date and said to his roommate, "I don't know why I'm going out with your bashert."
It took three years, but the guy was right... his roommate is now my roommate -- almost eleven years, and counting.
ALN
G,
There is plenty of blame to be placed all around. However, it is still only two people who go out on a date, no matter how much input from other people comes before or after said date. Unless datees are totally mindless and controlled by others, they should be looking at a date and at their pre-ordained criteria and wondering deeply when what is "out there" does not match what they have been told and/or decided is "right."
No, children do not choose what families to be born into, and yes, nurture has influence in how a person is formed. But nurture, the family, is only part of the equation. Nature, and in this is included schools and society as well as a person's own ideas, has taken an ever expanding role, particularly in shidduchim, and certainly for the current generation. We can't blame the parents solely for the present shidduch mess.
And G, let me add this--paper dolls are one reason why I gave up active shidduch making. Why? First, in the time I need to red a shidduch today, because of all the criteria that are presented, criteria that may or may not have any relationship to reality, I could have red 12-15 shidduchim in the "old" days easily. Second, since no human being can possibly match up to most of these criteria datees get upset and need "counciling," mothering and active hand holding on the part of a shadchan--and if I had wanted more children of my own I would have had them the good old fashioned way. Third, the level of animosity towards a shadchan who clearly has not delivered the "paper doll" requested has gone way, way up. In the "old" days if a date didn't work out I got a thank you for thinking of me and please call me again if you can think of someone else. Today it is quite likely that the failure of a date will come back to being my "fault." I've had boys complain bitterly to me that it's my fault that they ended up spending so much money for a restaurant meal and the girl wasn't really shayich. I've had girls complain that they bought a new outfit for the date and I caused them to spend money for nothing.
The Internet spawned the right term for some of what is involved in paper doll making--TMI--too much information. Add in not enough flexibility and you come to the crux of the problem.
I also grew up and met my wife in the 60's...1969 to be exact but I wasn't of the chreidi lifestyle and they always had arranged marriages. It really isn't different today. There were always blind dates regardless of ones level of observance. It's just that there has been some crossover in lifestyles (hashkafah) and a young person who is from a famlily that identifies as MO went to a day school with deeply committed teacher who conviced the young person that it "illegal" to speak to a member of the opposite sex. I ask you what happpend to the fun?
ProfK - Today's dates are not only two people. It's girl and a boy, and his parent(s) and her parent(s) and shadchan(im). And everything that is said over a date is being weighted and measured and analyzed...
Add to it the fact that these boys/girls never spoke to a member of an opposite sex, and add that they are not allowed to speak about anything personal...
It's a surprise so many people get married in the first place...
"In the "old" days if a date didn't work out I got a thank you for thinking of me and please call me again if you can think of someone else. Today it is quite likely that the failure of a date will come back to being my "fault." I've had boys complain bitterly to me that it's my fault that they ended up spending so much money for a restaurant meal and the girl wasn't really shayich. I've had girls complain that they bought a new outfit for the date and I caused them to spend money for nothing."
Be happy that you didn't get sued or taken to beis din. ;-)
Why didn't you get Shadchan's insurance ? ;-)
Bottom line though, its good to hear the thoughts of someone who tried. The saying 'no good deed goes unpunished' comes to mind. I would hope that the frum world would be better in that regard.
I think that we have a (relatively) spoiled generation in some respects and also the fact that some of the involved parties are young and lacking in maturity and life experience at times contributed to the problem.
Today it is quite likely that the failure of a date will come back to being my "fault."
ProfK - Doesn't that echo spoiled Millennial's approach of walking out on an employer who isn't giving him the "respect" he "deserves"?!?
Fits right in with the attitude: "This workplace [read: shadchanit] just doesn't live up to my high standards," instead of the other way round, as it should be: respecting the boss/matchmaker, and taking responsibility for his own faults and errors.
No wonder you stopped. Who knows how many people you might have been able to help, if only they had the wisdom and respect to let you...
Their loss.
ALN
ALN
And a shidduch was redt when someone who knew them both thought to themselves, "gee, I think Yanky and Sarah would make a good couple." Not "I have compared lists of criteria and Yanky and Sarah meet each other's top 50 points."
Mike S -- Sounds like you're describing a situation of missing the forest for the trees. Taking the holistic view will always give us a more accurate picture of a person (if there is such a thing) than a list of individual attributes ever could. People are not cars, and even very young children have personality traits that are beyond our ability to describe in a list.
The issue of spending -- on restaurants, outfits, whatever -- as related to issues of community status and reputations, and their blinding influence on shidduchim, is worth additional discussion.
ALN
I also grew up and met my wife in the 60's...1969 to be exact but I wasn't of the chreidi lifestyle and they always had arranged marriages. It really isn't different today. There were always blind dates regardless of ones level of observance. It's just that there has been some crossover in lifestyles (hashkafah) and a young person who is from a family that identifies as MO went to a day school with deeply committed teacher who convinced the young person that it "illegal" to speak to a member of the opposite sex. I ask you what happened to the fun?
I hate to say it but I will anyway.
The people who have done this (i.e. those who have taken modern orthodoxy in the direction of chassidism, but without the full commitment to that lifestyle) deserve pretty much everything they are getting. See, a generation or two ago, it was acceptable for a boy to talk to a girl, and many boys and girls went to school together (even in public school where many of the MO kids went in the 50's), spent the summers together, and worked together in many cases. Today it is not acceptable and the boys and girls hardly meet, and suddenly everyone needs shadchanim along with all the baggage of yichus, entitlement, worth, fault, appropriateness, frumness, etc. If the MO want to separate the boys and girls, and rely on shiduchim, they need to go whole-hog (well, best expression I can think of right now) and start arranging marriages (like the Chassidim do) which avoids, or at least formalizes, some of that baggage. Sorry, apparently you can't have it all three ways (super frum + no boy/girl contact + normal dating).
Mark
Just look at the back pages of NY Magazine at all the ads for professional upscale matchmakers. this has nothing to do with faith of any type
Jay - So you're saying it's definitely a status thing. The whole trend sounds like a nouveau riche attitude: Now that I have money, I can buy anything I want, just to prove I have money. Maybe it's also because of the BT/FFB conflict phenomenon, whereby FFB families with yichus try to hold on to their "pedigrees," while BT families try to "prove" their "worth" by demanding shidduchim with a list of top-notch qualities.
The people who have...taken modern orthodoxy in the direction of chassidism, but without the full commitment to that lifestyle) deserve pretty much everything they are getting...
Mark - Intriguing idea, but can you explain a bit more specifically what you mean by that (especially the word "deserve")?
My family is originally from Brooklyn, and we are completely unaware of all these new "required guidelines." I would like a mentsch. I tell people that. They gush, "Of course he has middos!" then I find myself on a nightmarish date with an insensitive cad.
Needless to say I now have trust issues.
I can at least assure you that there does exist, out there, someone who avoids "paper doll patterns." And this was my philosophy from the beginning.
There is a black uppper class in this country consisting of professionals & business people. You can bet they that their kids do not fraternize with hip hoppers with their underpants sticking out over their jeans. They also have annual social debutants parties where proper introductions are ochrestrated
Amazing post! I love your paper doll analogy. This is so well written and so true..
Princess Lea - I hope you find your mensch soon.
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