Stuck in a Rut--The Shidduch Time Warp

I'm teaching resume writing and interviewing techniques to my students this week and next. I make it a point to tell them that under work experience they are to put only those jobs held since after high school. And school honors refer only to college honors, not to high school. Some of the boys balk at this. "I was valedictorian" one tells me. "I received honors in math and science" another tells me. I fail to be impressed. These students are all seniors in college. It is long past the time to put high school behind them.

It's not just my students though. A number of people in Klal seem to be stuck in the same time warp the students are. You are a girl and you come back from seminary. Within the year these girls usually are well into the shidduch parsha. Boys get an extra year or two before they are thrown into the lion's den. They're newbies to the scene and the questions asked are mostly about what "was" rather than what "is." "What camps did he/she go to?" "What elementary school did he/she attend?" "What high school did he/she attend?" "What seminary did she attend?" "What yeshiva in Israel did he go to?"

Now fast forward 5 or 6 years. What questions are being asked about singles? I'll save the typing time--just read the questions in the paragraph above. These singles, adults all of them, are still being "investigated" using information that is years old. Just what possible significance is the camp you went to when you were 12 when it comes to shidduchim at this stage? What does what you did in high school have to do with the person you are today, in the present?

Now fast forward a few more years. And yes, you guessed it, people are still asking the camp/high school/seminary/yeshiva questions. "It's important" I am told. Okay, so tell me why? Teenagers are a sub-species all on their own. Saying "teenager" and "adult" in the same breath is a linguistic solecism. In your mid to late twenties you are considered by virtually everyone to be fully adult. Everyone, it seems, but those who are involved in shidduchim--parents, shadchanim, interested other singles and anyone who has an interest in seeing that shidduchim are made. They still treat adults like teenagers.

I've tried to figure out why these questions persist despite the time gap from when the activities being asked about took place to now. The reasons I keep coming up with aren't very positive ones. People are too lazy to think of anything else to ask that might be more cogent to the single's present condition. People have no idea what questions they should be asking about singles who aren't brand new to the parsha any longer. People don't give singles any credit for growing and changing, for evolving to fit their adult status. People like to live in the past, where they see things as having been "simpler." People may, themselves, not care about the answers to these questions, but they know that others will and they need to know the answers to red a shidduch.

Frankly, a number of the frum communities in Klal have no idea what to do with the adult singles in their midst. They don't/didn't expect them to be there. These communities have one "tried and true" shidduch methodology and they apply it to everyone. "It's got to work at some point," they reason. Wrong. There is an infantalizing of many of the adult singles. The restrictions placed on them are more appropriate for 18-year-olds with brand new driver's licences then they are to responsible working adults in their 20's. But, these communities reason, if the restrictions don't remain in place "it will hurt for shidduchim." What hooey. For far too many in these communities adult singles are as Shakespeare said: "Neither fish, nor fowl, nor good red meat."

Some of these adult singles still live at home; it would not be considered seemly for them to be living on their own. It doesn't fit the image these communities want to project. Others live with roommates or on their own. And oh the head shaking that goes on about this. Age is whispered about as if there were some sin in growing older. Are only married people allowed to grow older, grow wiser, change?

I'll give these communities credit for sincerely wanting single adults to get married. That is about all the credit I can give them. They have no real, practical idea about how to handle the single adults in their midsts, and it shows.

The more modern of the frum communities have tried to address this issue with varying degrees of success. At least those communities recognize that they have adults in their midst. Shuls actively promote acceptable social events at which singles can meet each other, or at least be in the same location together. Singles in these communities are more proactive on their own behalf. They, too, promote occasions for meeting other singles. I have never had one of these more "modern" frum singles every ask me about what camp a prospective date went to. None of them ask me about the names of seminaries. These singles want to know what a date is involved in now. They are living in the present.

Nor is it only the communities as general entities that are at fault. Many adult singles in the frummer communities help promulgate the actions of the outer community. They don't want to think of themselves as fully adult but unmarried. They look at this as some kind of failure on their part. And many are too afraid to rock the boat because they, too, believe "it will hurt for a shidduch."

What's the answer? There is no easy answer. The frummer communities are going to have to bite the bullet and admit that the methods they use for 19 year olds aren't successful with adult singles. They will have to concede that their approach is not working for these adult singles. They will need to--gasp--provide socialization venues for these adult singles, mixed socialization venues.

I received two interesting notices of lectures that were being given. Actually it was the same lecture that was being given, but being given twice, on dating advice if you are over 21. One was for male young adults; the other was for female young adults. A neighbor's daughter attended the one for females. She reported back to me that all the people there were in their mid to late 20s and into their 30s. A student told me that the male lecture had the same age range. I asked a rebbetzin I am acquainted with, who deals in mostly yeshivish shidduchim, why these two lectures could not be combined. "We are worried about inappropriate behavior," she answered. I was puzzled. "What kind of inappropriate behavior could there be at a lecture?" I asked. "The boys might look too much at the girls," she answered. "We wanted them to be able to concentrate on the content of the lecture rather then on the audience members."

Let me see if I have this straight. You provide a lecture with advice on how to get a date so that you can find a spouse. Presumably the two people are who are going to be doing the dating are going to look at each other. In the privacy of a date. Looking a lot. But they can't look at each other in public with hundreds of other people around. Why? I guess because to gain the privilege of looking you first have to ask "What camp did he/she go to?" or "What yeshiva/seminary did he/she go to?"