Conversations Klal-Style--Secrecy and Shidduchim

Psst, are you sure you weren't followed here? Check and make sure. Is your hat pulled down over your eyes and shadowing your face? Can't be too careful you know. Someone might find out you are reading about shidduchim. Even worse, someone might--gasp!--find out that you are dating. Quell horror! Quick, duck behind your desk; I hear footsteps.

Shidduch making is supposed to be top secret, at least that is what they tell me. What patent nonsense! No, they tell me, you don't understand. No one is supposed to know someone else's business, especially shidduch business. It's a matter of utmost urgency that all shidduch information be encoded and that steps are taken that no one without proper clearance has access to information about active participants.

So are conversations supposed to go like the following?

Shadchan 1: This is S1XQ2305BW calling about a ffb male I believe you are representing.
Shadchan 2: Who gave you my number?
Shadchan 1: ES23-467NR gave it to me.
Shadchan 2: What's the password?
Shadchan 1: Password? I didn't get any password.
Shadchan 2: Information on shidduch participants is classified and only given out to those with clearance. You'll need to get the password.

One Day Later

Shadchan 1: This is S1XQ2305BW calling. Password "gevalt."
Shadchan 2: Okay, have you signed the non-disclosure agreement yet?
Shadchan 1: The what?
Shadchan 2: Look, all information in my possession is considered proprietary and can only be disclosed to those who sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Shadchan 1: I see. But how do I give information to the person I am representing if I can't disclose anything you are telling me?
Shadchan 2: They can only be told the information after they also sign a non-disclosure agreement.

Three Days Later.

Shadchan 1: This is S1XQ2305BW calling. Password "gevalt."
Shadchan 2: Go ahead.
Shadchan 1: My side is prepared to sign preliminary non-disclosure agreements. However, we need to see signed and notarized copies of your party's signed agreement to the same.
Shadchan 2: Give me a few days and call back.

Four Days Later.

Shadchan 1: This is S1XQ2305BW calling. Password "gevalt." So did they agree to agree?
Shadchan 2: They would like a change to the procedure of verification. They want a neutral third party, acceptable by both sides, to view the agreements and testify that both parties signed said agreements.
Shadchan 1: Who are they suggesting as a third party?
Shadchan 2: Rabbi Menachem Lanu.
Shadchan 1: I'll get back to you on that.

Two Days Later

Shadchan 1: This is S1XQ2305BW calling. Password "gevalt." Rabbi Lanu is acceptable here but we will need a notarized statement that he has read both non-disclosure agreements and agrees himself to disclose nothing.
Shadchan 2: I'm not sure he will agree to these terms.
Shadchan 1: Unless he does so we will not disclose any information, as covered in the Federal Guidelines to Copyrighted Material, Shidduch Participant Information, Section 14, Article 117.
Shadchan 2: Hmm, let me see what I can do. No one wants to get into FGCM trouble.

Two Days Later:

Shadchan 2: This is ZRL23-9043G. Password "Oy." Rabbi Lanu has agreed to your terms and a certified copy of his agreement is being faxed to you right now.
Shadchan 1: Okay, I'll check the copy and file with The Homeland Shidduch Security Agency on the 22-BN provisions.

One Week Later

Shadchan 1: This is S1XQ2305BW calling. Password "gevalt." Good news, we're all clear on the court filings. Okay, can we talk about that ffb yeshiva bochur, initials P.U. now?
Shadchan 2: Gosh I'm sorry, but that bochur is getting engaged tonight. Can I interest you in someone else?
Shadchan 1: Not in this lifetime!

Yup, secrecy is definitely the way to make a shidduch. While we are at it, why not keep it a secret from the boy and the girl too. Far less chance of a security leak that way. And maybe we should avoid letting the parents know as well. Why not just stop making shidduchim altogether? After all, secrecy uber alles!